Long weekend ahead-

My friend and her baby stayed for a few days this week and left yesterday, so things were a little hectic here! Whew.

Cycle day one came right on schedule. I have a baseline set up for Monday, bright and early. Hopefully things will look clear and we can forge ahead.

I spent most of the day doing things around the house, none of which included my jog. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow? Yes. TOMORROW. Note to self: no excuses. Ahem, anyway... I put a coat of wax on the table I was refinishing, I sewed some more on My Star Trek skirt of geekness, I finished the baby blanket last night for my brother, I made carrot cake and cream cheese icing from scratch (to take to my mother's tomorrow)... I am exhausted. Still gotta get the laundry together so we'll all have something to wear tomorrow...

Then tomorrow, after my mom's I have another carrot cake to make for my mother-in-laws on Sunday. I offered to make them both, so I have only myself to blame... but I was craving carrot cake, and would rather take it for a crowd, than crowd it all in my tummy.

Mmmm, carrot cake.

So, Sunday we're supposed to go to my mother-in-laws for her Easter. Later, I'm scheduled to jog. Which is probably a good thing considering the cake, hmm?

Then Monday, the baseline- bright and early.

We had V's check-up the other day, and the pediatrician was a bit concerned over V's development- especially his speech. We talked about our options and opted to reassess at the 18 month appointment. If he's still not doing better by then, his pediatrician wants to refer him to a speech therapist. I think he was jumping the gun a bit, I mean I realize that V is a little behind in some areas but don't think he's that far behind the curve. We're going to try and work with him more in the meantime- if anyone has any resources, or suggestions, hit me up in the comments of email me. Thanks.

And yup, this post was all over the place. That's how I feel this weekend. There is just not enough of me, or energy, to go around. (*sigh*)

This isn't a real post-

14dpo, and no surprise- still negative. There was a temp drop this morning, so I expect my next cycle to start within the next couple days. Hopefully it will work out for a baseline on Monday.

Eh.

Negativity-

It's 12dpo today. I tested last night and it was negative. I busted out my trusted brand of test today (my last one) and... negative. I'll test again on Thursday but given the sensitivity of the test I used, I'm calling it.

So, the first round of Clomid was a bust. It shouldn't come as a shock. I kept telling my husband it wouldn't work, but he is always so optimistic. I'm sure it hit him harder than me. I'll be honest here: I feel like if anything is going to work, it will be next year, when we move on to injections again. I still want to try oral medications first, I want to do something productive in what little time we have this year, with what little finances we have available, but at the same time I feel very negative about it. It's not that I'm completely hopeless- I still hope, even when it's unreasonable- but I'm trying to be realistic here.

I feel like I'm slowly re-entering that head space from 2010. When I did all those cycles, I managed to ovulate 7-8 times that year, and yet... nothing. I didn't get pregnant once, even with IUIs and perfect timing. I had 2 follicles almost every cycle, and still nothing. I never ovulated that much in a year before. I got pregnant a lot easier in the past, 1 out of every 2 cycles almost. So why not then? And why not now?

It's only been two months, and I'm not harping on that. Pfft. Two months is a drop of water in the ocean; I've went over a year between pregnancies. But see, it's the Clomid/Femara cycles in 2010 that keep replaying in my mind. It's the unanswered why? It's the what changed? Are we missing something?

I wonder about the ovarian diathermy, and if that was really the best decision. I helped me respond great, don't get me wrong. It did exactly what it was supposed to. And I'm still glad we did it, because I think it's part of the reason I responded so well to the inject cycle with V. But did it do something else too? There is an increased risk of diminished ovarian reserve... and while my AMH came back good, is that the whole picture here?

The cycle we conceived V. after all those oral med cycles, was with a whopping 7 follicles. Too risky for most women, but with my history we decided it was worth the risk- and it paid off. But, YE GADS, 7 FOLLICLES?! 7 follicles and I was lucky enough to get 1 baby? One perfect embryo? I always go back and forth about this; on one hand, I'm lucky I didn't end up with high order multiples, but then again maybe I'm just lucky I got one. Is it both? I don't know.

In the end, I always go back to wondering about my egg quality. I've been reassured that with my age, I should have good eggs. My FSH has always been great (maybe I should get it retested now that I'm 28), my AMH was good this year... and yet, I wonder. Women with PCOS don't usually have the best eggs, and while fertility treatments are supposed to help offset that it's no guarantee.

Maybe nothing changed. Maybe it's all just been dumb luck, and I'm worrying over nothing. I don't know.

Either way, I'm done rambling out loud now. I have a house guest coming soon, so I'm going to enjoy my BFN-consolation-moch-frappucinno in the quiet of my home while I quiet my mind.

We'll see what happens Thursday, but I fully anticipate the start of a new cycle this weekend. Maybe next month things will go better.

Killing time-

I've been killing time as best I can. Which isn't hard around here. Sometimes I wish I had more time to kill.

V is growing like a weed. He'll be 15 months next week. He has been walking and running, climbing, bypassing gates, hitting, biting, throwing tantrums... toddlerhood, we have arrived. I still call him my baby, but then I hold him... and nope, not a baby. About 27lbs of awesome right there. He's tall, with short legs. He's not chubby but he's solid.

We struggle a lot on some things. He still doesn't talk much. He doesn't call me momma or A dadda. He knows that A is dadda, because I'll say, "Where's dadda?" and he'll look for him. He did say dadda earlier while looking for A (who was at work)... he definitely loves his dadda! He doesn't say bye-bye, but he will say "Hi" and "Hey." He runs around with his toys yelling, "Aaaa riii!" (translation: All right!) and "Ohhh breee!" (translation: Oh boy!). His first words were either "Hi dadda!" or "All right!" depending on how you want to count it. He said 'bubbles' last night. Once. He just doesn't seem interested in talking right now.

Just like clapping- no interest whatsoever.

He still chases the cats, proceeds to tackle them, and lick them. Some cats let him. Ugh. I intercept them all the time. So. weird.

He's very orally fixated... when it comes to inanimate objects. Food, not so much. We still struggle with solids- he would eat pureed food forever if he got his way. He does put away lasagna though. He loves lasagna and spaghetti! Mmmm. I'll have to start making it more often, ha! He does not like jelly... among other things. Like most veggies. And fruit. And meat.

Aside from V keeping me on my toes, I got a sewing machine for my birthday (yay!) and I've been trying my hand at that. I haven't taken a home economics class in... umm... a long time. Maybe 14-18 years? I learned basic sewing in middle school and high school, but I only remember how to thread the machine and to make it go. Still, I have great ambitions. I've started on Halloween Costumes this year (We're all going Doctor Who themed! I hope. If things work out.) and I got some retro Star Trek fabric that I'm turning into a skirt. You read that right. I am a dork, and I know it. I can't sew a straight hem to save my life though... can we just pretend that it gives my work character?

No? Ah man.

I'm crocheting a baby blanket for my brother's baby that's due in July. They found out it's a boy. Some of my brother's posts on FB about that are hard because he likes to brag and make jokes about how fertile he is. Without thinking about his sisters who all went through fertility issues of one sort (me, one with a still birth, and the other with 5 years infertility that resolved with adoption). I know he doesn't think about it, and he's allowed to brag and be happy, I'm just saying that it's hard sometimes.

I'm 7dpo and I had the trigger 8 days ago. It should be out of my system by now, but I'm going to test later tonight to see.

On today's agenda: sticking to my diet (big issue of the day, ugh), jogging, crocheting some more, and finally watching The Hobbit!

As a matter of fact, V's napping now so I better go get that jog in while I can. Cheers!

Cycle update-

We did the trigger on Wednesday. That was amusing; it's been over two years since A had to give me a shot. He was all fine with doing it, but then he saw the needle and said, "That's a really big needle." I reminded him that it was intramuscular, and he shook his head. Poor guy is still a little squeamish about needles, but he's come a long way! I remember when he couldn't watch me do my injections or get blood drawn. It kind of sucks that we both had to get over our needle phobia, but it is what it is. Needles? Pfft. No biggie. He was injecting it really slow and I had to remind him it wasn't as viscous as PIO and to just plunge that crap. Good times.

Thursday I had a ton of abdominal discomfort and bloat, so I'm pretty sure that's when I ovulated. I had to post-pone my jog until Saturday because of how uncomfortable I was. It wasn't as bad as the cycle with V (where I had 7 follicles, if you remember) but I'm hoping that's a sign that all 3 matured enough and released. It was iffy whether the 13 would catch up. If not, at least the other two should have been good.

I was supposed to start the progesterone Friday, but I didn't get a temp rise until Saturday morning so I waited until then. So, on Crinone again. Yay. Sort of. I hate the residue and clumpy crap it leaves behind. It builds up too. I don't know if everyone has this problem, or just me, but I sort of prefer PIO. Yeah, it hurt and left lumps, but it didn't leave a packing of gunk behind. Ugh. Yuck.

So, based on my trigger I'm 4dpo today. Not sure when I'll test. The trigger has always been out by 9dpo, so I guess at 8-9dpo I'll use one of my cheapie pregnancy tests to make sure that's out. After that... I don't know. I might wait until 13-14dpo this time, since I only have one first response early response test. If I have spotting before then, I'll check earlier though. My last two pregnancies I had spotting at 11dpo and tested positive, I also had low progesterone last time, and I suspect that was the case with the third miscarriage (and that might have contributed to the implantation failure).

So, the TWW is under way. More updates to come, I'm sure. There really isn't much to say though- we've done everything we can, and now the rest if out of our hands. Come whatever may. I'll probably post to pass the time, if nothing else.

Weigh-in: one year later

Well, there isn't much to tell at this weigh-in, but I'll go for it! It's been a year since I re-started my weight loss after having V- twelve solid months of working out and getting healthy. I started at 227 lbs, and today I weighed in at 174.4 lbs- that gives me a total weight loss of 52.6 lbs in that time. Which isn't bad! It could have been better, but I'll take it. I'm still in the "obese" range of the BMI (5.4 lbs to go until I'm "overweight"), but I feel so much better overall.

I still jog 3x a week (with post-run yoga), and I try to walk 3-4 times a week. I haven't doing as well with getting the walks in, but I'm doing what I can. When the weather gets nicer, we'll be able to get out more and take walks during the day. I think my biggest issue with exercise right now is boredom. I read on my Kindle while I walk, but it still gets tedious at times. Jogging, well I try to do intervals when it gets too boring but even then... some days I just don't want to. I make myself, but it's hard to get my butt in gear sometimes.

My biggest downfall is my diet. Sadly, I'm still not following it very well. I fell off hardcore during the holidays, and I'll admit that I still haven't recovered. Some days I do great, but most days... not so much. I know why I'm not doing well, but I can't seem to shake myself into shape. I'm stressed and dealing with fertility treatments again. I'm exhausted and find myself snacking while I tackle V all day. Ever since I restarted my Synthroid, I've been starving all the time. And I guess with my workouts I want to eat more. I'd cut back on those, but if I did that I'd have to eat less, which would be sort of counter productive. I am maintaining my weight, but barely.

I'm making excuses left and right, and when I started out I told myself, "No more excuses." That was my motto! I feel like I'm letting myself down at times, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm healthier- and that was really the ultimate goal here. Did I want to reach a healthy BMI this year? Of course! But if I don't, I need to remember that I am healthier and that is far more important than some number.

I did lose the extra inch, and another, off my hips. I regained a half inch on my waist though. However, I've been dealing with a lot of bloating and such, so I don't know how accurate that is on any given day. My clothes feel like they're looser some days, and sometimes I feel lighter... then some days I feel like I'm going to bust through everything, and just I don't know- yucky? That kind of correlates to my bad eating days, when I get food bloat and calorie hangover. Calorie hangover is the worst- that should really be incentive enough to NOT overindulge.



Here's the breakdown-
Since March 17, 2012:
Weight lost: 52.6 lbs
Inches off hips: 11.5
Inches off waist: 11

Total since January of 2011-
75.6 lbs lost
I've went from a size 24 to a size 16.

A life once lost-

Yesterday weighed on my mind in fleeting moments. Four years ago yesterday, I finally lost the second pregnancy. I can still remember it vividly, my body still aches, and my heart still mourns. It feels wrong not to mention it, and yet I don't want to dwell.

I think the largest part of it was that I didn't want to make others uncomfortable.

Whenever I mention my losses, it happens. People tell me to move on, remind me how lucky I am, or they ignore my mention, or worse- they get silent as if to say, "You're not over that yet?"

No. I'm not over that yet.
I don't think I could ever "get over it," if you want to know the truth.

Four years have passed, and that baby is still gone. How do you get over that?

In some ways that one was the hardest. I was the furthest along. Physically it was very traumatic, as I crouched on the floor wracked with contractions. Emotionally, staring down the gestational sac in person, not on the ultrasound machine, and wondering what I should do with it... was hard. Is still hard. I shouldn't have to know what a gestational sac looks like in full material form outside my body. My first experience with contractions should have been with the birth of my child, not a loss.

Many things were taken away from me that day.

I have my son now. That's true. And he makes my life amazing, and everything we went through worth enduring. But he doesn't replace the others. I've said it before, but while he helps mend my broken heart, it's not his job to take what's broken and make it whole again. No matter how we put the pieces back together, it will never be the same. There will always be fine lines, cracks, memories of what happened.

And you know what? That's okay.

And the scan says:

I have two on the right, and one on the left. Lefty was hiding as usual, but we managed to see the follicle... barely. It looks like the biggest is a 16 and the smallest is a 13. Which isn't bad for CD11.

It's too early to trigger though. We discussed options and she agreed that we could trigger Wednesday, without another ultrasound (which saves us $175), and that it should give them time to mature up a bit more. I feel pretty comfortable with that plan, especially when I consider my previous history/response to oral meds. I'll be doing OPKs tonight and tomorrow, and if I do get a surge before Wednesday I'll trigger immediately- but I don't see that being a problem.

We're still trying to ferret out how much I'll be paying for progesterone supplements. My insurance will not cover any of the kind I need without authorization, and they aren't going to authorize crap unless I'm pregnant... so, we're scouting OOP costs for now. In the meantime, my clinic hooked me up with enough Crinone samples to get me through my current TWW again (SCORE!). They are so sweet. I should start that Friday then.

A surprisingly good appointment overall! But, we'll see how this all goes. It looks like testing will be sometime around the 24th-27th.

Uncertainty-

Monitoring appointments were always a bit of a trauma for me. I literally never knew what would happen. My body has always been unpredictable and volatile- one moment doing what you want, the next burrowing down and hibernating. I went into many appointments getting good news, or so-so news, but I feel like I went into many more being told that my body just wasn't doing what it's meant to.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I mean, I have hopes that I'll respond- I took measures to ensure my best chances. I've taken the highest dose, I've taken the Dexamethasone, I used BCPs all year to prepare my body, I've lost weight, I had ovarian drilling in 2010 (which doesn't necessarily mean anything now, but who knows)- but all that isn't a guarantee of response. It's just an assurance that I gave this the best shot possible- I've done what I can.

I don't have a lot of symptoms or side effects from Clomid. I did get hit with the CloMood Weepies the other day, but that could just be my nerves. I've had some bloating and twinging near righty, but again... phantom symptoms much? No hot flashes or anything yet. I did have some headaches, but those have passed.

As much as I hate paying for monitoring, I really do appreciate it. I like knowing what's going on (or not, as the case may be). It takes the suspense out of things. I don't have to worry for weeks and weeks with no temperature rise, I'll know instantly whether I'm responding or not. I can move on to another dose or cycle that much faster. Which is good, especially now, since I'm only doing this for 3 more months this year- in October we'll jump back, but I don't know about the monitoring and everything. I think that if we get to that point, I'd rather start saving for injects in March of 2014. But that's all later- this is now.

Hopefully I'll have good news tomorrow.

Echos-

The room they led me to today is the one they almost always put me in. It's the same room where I first saw V and heard his heartbeat. It's also the room where I had bad news and bad luck taken in turns. It felt weird being back in there.

It felt like I was waiting forever, but I know it was only 10 minutes. I kept fiddling with my phone and wondering over and over what I'm getting myself into. Solitaire really doesn't help with nerves.

I forgot how cold it is in there. I should have went with the sweater this morning.

Dr. M came in wearing a fleece pull over (smart woman) and it was all very quick. She's shorter than Dr. J so I couldn't see the screen from my angle, but I'm told it was all clear.

We discussed some of my insurance issues with progesterone, and my favorite nurse said she'd look into it for me. So hopefully we'll figure something out. I didn't hear back from them today, but maybe tomorrow.

I got my scripts and started them tonight- so 200mg Clomid and 2mg Dexamethasone here we go.

I go back Monday for a CD11 scan. I think it's a little early, but the nurse said they didn't want to wait too long since they could miss triggering. Which makes sense, but I don't know how I feel about it just the same. At least the appointment will be with Dr. M though so I can express any concerns I have and other issues.

It really is weird being back there. A lot has changed in two years. And having a new doctor... it's just different. The protocol is essentially the same, but it's not the same. I think my scans and everything have been adjusted to fit Dr. M's schedule (since she's only there on Mondays) rather than what's best for me. I could be over-thinking it and nitpicking. I feel old. Like I'm an old lady shaking my cane (or in this case a bag of fertility drugs) shouting over how it was back in my day. Two years isn't that long, but a lot can change in two years: employee turnover, medical practices can change, attitudes, billing, coding.

It's a lot to take in.

What am I doing?

I just realized it's been, umm, almost two years since I've had a vaginal ultrasound. Not that I've ever looked forward to this, but I'm really not looking forward to this. Not just the discomfort, the digging for lefty, but the emotional aspect is... well... heavier than I remember. Those little rooms are filled with years of emotional trauma; let downs, failure, and not yet's. I've failed to respond, and failed to respond, and failed. I've had hopes risen, then crashed as they gave way to jaded apathy.

Yes, good things happened in there. I had so many ripe follicles the last time, we got one perfect baby last time, and depsite coming in prepared to hear "I'm sorry," we came back and heard his heart beat over and over. Some of the best moments of our lives happened in those little rooms!

And yet, that doesn't erase two years of bad news, heart break, and dejection.

What will tomorrow bring?

I don't know. Another set back? The first step back onto the path to treatments? Emotionally I don't know what to make of this place I'm in. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not excited. I'm not overly pessimistic. I'm not optimistic either though. I'm not lamenting that this is what it's came to. I'm... I don't know... accepting?

I feel really jaded. I wish that infertility didn't exist, but it does. I don't see the point in arguing about the fairness in the world anymore. I don't see the point in wondering "why me" or "why us?" It didn't make a lick of difference last time. This is just how our world moves. This is how babies are made (and sometimes unmade) in the world we've came to know.

Sometimes I still feel the bitterness rise up, don't get me wrong. I am a very bitter person in some regards. I'm not immune to jealousy, to hating that I'll never have that pregnancy experience that others get. Having a baby will never be a natural part of my life- it will never come without medication, without a lot of prep-work, and great expense. Most importantly- it will never come with a guarantee. I'll never have that illusion.

This time around I do have something I didn't have the first time- the knowledge that it's possible. I know that's no guarantee, no one could ever give me that, but I've been clinging to it. I keep trying to loosen my grip on it, but my mind won't let it go. 

I survived this, once.

It's a false hope, but it may very well be the only one I have.

Back to the grind of things-

Cycle day one today- I have a baseline scheduled for Monday with Dr. M. Hopefully my baseline will be clear and cyst free.

If it is, we may be doing Clomid CD5-9... I've only ever done CD3-7. I worry that this will delay my response, since I'm taking it later. My body usually has a delayed response anyway. I don't know. Taking it CD5-9 is supposed to have it boost your body more, and well... my body doesn't usually have anything to boost. I do have some luck after stopping birth control pills, but as the months wear on that luck runs out. Pretty quickly. I really don't want to pay for 3-4 ultrasounds out of pocket this cycle because of delayed response; they're $175 a pop. Assuming we don't have blood work done too.

A simple Clomid cycle with monitoring really adds up. I mean, it's cheaper than doing one injectable cycle, yes. But, with two ultrasounds, it's still going to be about $450 (without IUI). We could do 4-7 Clomid cycles for the price of one inject cycle... which gives us more chances. If I respond to those Clomid cycles. And I've proven to be pretty Clomid resistant in the past. I'm hoping that the BCP use, the previous ovarian drilling, hormones as under control as we can get, the weight loss, will all help me respond better. But even laying all the cards on the table in the past hasn't spelled success. It's a gamble. It always is.

I could have tried to get in on Sunday to attempt a CD3 start, but it would have been with the one RE in the practice I didn't really care for (he did our NT scan with V). Going in Monday gives me a chance to talk to Dr. M in person too, so I can talk to her about my insurance issues regarding the progesterone and about when we can start Clomid (maybe we can go ahead and start on CD4, shouldn't be a big deal), and about other stuff, and the appointment is later so no waking at 6am to get there on time... so I think it's for the best. I hope. Eh.

In other news, I've been back on my diet this week and I feel a lot better. Also back to jogging. The scale said 174.6 the other day, but it's back at 176 this morning... I'm pretty bloated and icky though, so eh. It fluctuates a lot these days. I'm still a bit congested, but I'm definitely on the mend there. I have to get some work done on my car this weekend, we have the appointment Monday, and back to the dentist on Tuesday for another cavity filling (yay). So we'll be pretty busy in the next few days... which could be a good thing.

V is walking so much now, and climbing onto things, and trying to jump off them... he's really a toddler. He throws massive tantrums all the time. He hates not getting his way. He bites, he screams, he hits his head on the floor, he throws himself backward in a fit of hysterics... fun times. It's really not that bad; I don't mind the tantrums. It's his thing right now though. I'm hoping that when it gets warmer and we can start going out more that he'll chill out. I think we're all getting a bit of cabin fever here. We do go shopping and browsing in stores on the weekends, but he wants to walk/run around and he can't really do that in a store right now... so he gets frustrated. Which is completely understandable to me. But, it's March. We're getting closer to "spring" (we've been known to get snow storms in April, but I'm being optimistic here). As soon as we get a snap of warmer weather again, outside we'll go! I can't wait.