Friday, March 2, 2012

Working through life-

It's been over two months now since I had V. We had his well baby check-up the other day, and he's weighing in at 13lbs and 11oz already. He's grown another inch too. His size 3 month clothing is getting snug already. Yikes.

He has a blocked tear duct that's been causing issues, but hopefully he'll grow out of that. He favors laying on his head one way, so it's created a bit of a flat spot there, so that's another thing to keep an eye on.

Watching V grow is wonderful but it's hard too. He's getting so big so fast, and on one hand I love all the little milestones and I can't wait for him to get older so we can do so much more. I can't wait to take him places, to show him things, to let him see the wonders this world has to offer. But then, I want it to slow down because he's never going to be this small again, and I might never have someone so small and beautiful again. I got lucky, but I know that we might not be so fortunate next time. Not knowing if we'll ever have more children weighs on me a lot. I can't help it. I feel like a broken record, but this is something I'm dealing with and trying to process. Infertility didn't magically vanish, it just burrowed into another part of me.

Speaking of things I'm dealing with... My mother has been very trying. As I've mentioned, she is mentally ill. We don't know what she has, since she admits to being on disability for mental illness but then will change her story in the same breath. I wish her social worker could talk to us, I'd really like to know what her diagnosis really is. So, she comes over and visits V a lot now, forgets things, and rambles on like normal. She swears V likes things that I tell her he doesn't, but she thinks she knows better. Yeah, the woman that comes over for an hour once a week knows better than me, the woman who's only been away from him for 2 hours total since the day he was born... right. Anyway, the other day she was holding him, he started crying because of the way she was holding him, and she said that she knows he likes it and kept holding his weird. Which made him cry more. When I said, "Here, give him to me." and held my arms out to take him back, she jerked him away from me.

I almost went off on her, I really did.

I love her, but sometimes it's hard to be around her. Now, with V being here, she's around a lot more often so things get tense more often. With every passing year, her behavior gets worse. She gets frustrated because she doesn't understand things, so she starts getting angry, she gives up and fumes about it for awhile. It can be something as big as political issues, or as simple as buying something. I remember when I was pregnant, she got mad at a drive thru window person because my mom didn't understand that "two separate orders" meant the same thing as "a separate order" and she ended up screaming about the drive thru operator being a stupid bitch, yelling at the poor girl, and then driving off. Because she couldn't understand that it was the same thing, even though I tried to explain it to her. Then she yelled about it for awhile, about how dumb that girl was and so forth. It was bad. I mean, really really bad.

I don't know how things are going to play out in the next couple of years. I know that she thinks she's going to get V for sleep overs, and I can tell you that won't ever happen. She hasn't said anything about it, and I haven't either, nor do I plan to unless she brings it up. But I'm under the impression that she thinks I'm going to hand him over like my brother does with his kids. I just can't do that in good conscience. Just, no.

I know, not really my normal blog content, but something that's been weighing on my mind a lot. Sorry.

I'm just trying to navigate these new waters. I'm a stay at home mom now, no more worrying about work and everything. I love it, really. But it is not without it's challenges, such as seeing my mother more often, or needing more adult interaction (and getting my mother instead ha).

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a family get together, which is going to be awkward because of strained family relations. So cheers to that. Then Saturday we plan on getting a new family portrait done. I actually am excited about that. Then we're going shopping for V. The makings of a super busy weekend... hopefully the good will outweigh the bad.

17 comments:

aryanhwy said...

He's SO CUTE! Thanks for sharing a picture.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Hopefully the get-together will go alright. I can totally understand your concerns with your mother. I would be worried too.

And yes, I hear you on needing adult interaction!

mommy someday said...

I can completely empathize to your relationship with your mother. Thankfully mine lives across the country and when we finally have a baby I doubt she would make any effort to fly out here, but I suspect my mother is suffering from a mental illness, but she refuses to get treatment. I haven't seen her in three years because it's just so hard to watch in that state. My mother was a vibrant, fabulous woman and now...
I hope your family get together goes well and that you have a great weekend! :-)

JEN said...

I am so glad you are enjoying your little one! Parenting after infertility is strange - NOW you really know what you had been missing.

Is your mother medicated? I can't believe she watches children. A frank talk with your brother may be in order!

unaffected said...

First, and most importantly, V is such a cutie!!!! I wouldn't want to give him back to you if I was holding him either!

Ok, jokes aside... I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom is so tough. I'm not sure how well I would deal with that, honestly. So kudos to you for handling it so well, even though you might feel that sometimes you don't handle it well.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Lissie said...

I struggled for a long time with the idea of leaving my (as yet unborn) child with my mom. She has some fairly minor mental issues that until recently were made so much worse by unacknowledged drug use. Thankfully she has since cleaned up (two years without contact with your kids and almost not being invided to my wedding seemed to have the desired effect). But I'm still not sure if I'm okay with her keeping him overnight. And to make matters even more fun, my mother-in-law is now married to a guy who was creepily interested in the fact that I'm pregnant, until he found out its a boy. So no little girls will be staying over there either.

So basically I understand the dread of that conversation.

Groves said...

Funny (but not funny)...I was just writing another friend about these very issues.

My husband grew up with a mother like you're dealing with. Things limped along in our relationship to her - until the kids came along. Then there was "property" she considered hers, and she WANTED IT.

The trouble is, she treats our kids the same way she treated her own kids. And we can't go for that.

I totally understand why you won't do the sleep-overs. That seems like healthy boundaries, no matter what she calls it.

I'm just sorry you have to deal with this...on top of everything.

I hear you,

Cathy in Missouri

P.S. Most important: What A Beautiful Little Boy!!!!! He is so sweet. :)

AnotherDreamer said...

JEN, my brother doesn't believe me. Or he's in denial since he keeps asking her to lend him money or cars (he's very stable financially). I hate to think that he might know she's unstable and using her, but I'm starting to really wonder.

I think she's medicated, but I can't be sure. If she is, it isn't working though. She has a social worker that comes to see her at least once a month though, so there's that at least.

AnotherDreamer said...

Thanks for the comments and support everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone, but I sure wish that so many people didn't have these kind of relationships. It's hard.

blueeyedtawni said...

he is so precious! :)
hugs !

Celia said...

As you know, my Mom is also a big barrel of crazy. I am fortunate that she loves Peter and he loves her. Hopefully he will be able to enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with her. She sent me an email tonight saying she wished she was here to keep me company and I was so thankful it was an email. mom being here would push me over the edge. I would never leave Peter with her longer than it takes to pee. She is forever trying to pick him up and she is not allowed. Cane + baby= NO. Sit on the couch dammit. I would also never leave Peter with my MIL. Because she is a batshit crazy hoarder who told me there is no such thing as SIDS and that people whose babies die from SIDS were really killed. And I was like... YOU ARE NEVER WATCHING MY CHILD EVER. EVER. Her rational is that she had six kids and none of THEM died, therefore there is no SIDS. Because she is crazy.

Celia said...

As you know, my Mom is also a big barrel of crazy. I am fortunate that she loves Peter and he loves her. Hopefully he will be able to enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with her. She sent me an email tonight saying she wished she was here to keep me company and I was so thankful it was an email. mom being here would push me over the edge. I would never leave Peter with her longer than it takes to pee. She is forever trying to pick him up and she is not allowed. Cane + baby= NO. Sit on the couch dammit. I would also never leave Peter with my MIL. Because she is a batshit crazy hoarder who told me there is no such thing as SIDS and that people whose babies die from SIDS were really killed. And I was like... YOU ARE NEVER WATCHING MY CHILD EVER. EVER. Her rational is that she had six kids and none of THEM died, therefore there is no SIDS. Because she is crazy.

MrsSpock said...

My dad has schizophrenia that he will not acknowledge, and we are all in cahoots to keep his drama away from the kids. My dad practically threw my son at me when he was 8 weeks old. He is not allowed to hold a grandchild without someone being within 12 inches of him. He is never allowed to be alone with one of my children (he was known for leaving us at random places while we were kids, and tried to leave my 2 yo sister at Kings Island once).

Since he had bedbugs, we've cut off physical contact, except for brief public interactions with my sister and I. I felt terrible, but I had to make the decision not to invite him to my daughter's first birthday, as last time I saw him, he had bedbugs crawling on him. We all kept it a secret. I'll have to do the same for my son's birthday.

Her social worker would be able to talk to you if your mother signed a release. With my dad, he is happy if I try and help, so he is happy to sign releases. Growing up poor with a schizo mother, it is a big deal to him to have someone look out for him, and he likes to brag on his daughter doing so. Would your mom let you sit with her when the social worker comes? Maybe if you put it this way: they need to be able to contact you in case of an emergency?

AnotherDreamer said...

Mrs. Spock: I doubt she would. She tries her best to pretend that the only issues she has are physical. She accidentally slips about how her disability is for mental reasons, she'd rather the world believe she's physically ill than mentally. And then if you bring it up she gets defensive or denies it. She already put me down on all paperwork to be notified in case something happens, so I assume she's talked to her social worker about it too. I think if I asked to meet her social worker my mom would get paranoid and suspicious. She has been reading to much into things lately and overreacting, she thinks everyone's against her so it would probably just fuel her fire, so to speak.

Celia said...

I feel for you so much. You are not alone in dealing with this, though sometimes it might feel like it. I feel like the biggest a-hole ever when I won't allow Peter in his grandparents hoarded house. But his pediatrician supports me, and in fact I was hoping they would tell me I was overreacting but they said if it is how I describe it that by the time his immune system could handle it there would be too many choking and falling hazards. Which is true. And my MIL just snipes that he will have an undeveloped immune system. Right. He licks the floor at the library. I think we have that covered. My inlaws are forever sending passive aggressive notes addressed to Peter with Secret Messages of Guilt for me. I told them we could meet at another family members house, the mall, a restaurant, the park ETC but no. I am the bad guy. So be it. My responsibility to keep them happy ends where my responsibility to keep Peter safe begins. And that includes sheltering him from their manipulations. And that is true for you too Boo. It doesn't really get easier though.

Rebecca said...

V is getting to be a big baby and fast. As for your mom, sounds like she is getting to be a bit problematic. I fully support you not giving your son to her for any length of time.

AnotherDreamer said...

Thanks Celia and Rebecca.

Celia, I know you can relate from the stories you've told about your own mother. You're right, it's about what's best for him, and it definitely doesn't get any easier.