Monday, March 12, 2012

Three years ago today-

Three years ago today I lost my second pregnancy. Well, I'd lost it before then; my body just refused to let it go. Three years ago today I finally went through the horror of passing the pregnancy, of taking Cytotec to induce my miscarriage. That began one of the worst nights of my life.

I used to say that it was six hours of "mini-labor" or contractions, and then I'd make a disclaimer that I didn't know what contractions felt like so I could be mistaken. I knew it was awful, I was in more pain than I'd ever been in before, but I thought labor was surely harder. I take all that back. It was labor, it wasn't less-than-contractions... it was full blown contractions, and I know that now.

The reason I knew I was in labor with V, was because I'd felt those same contractions before. I screamed, I cried; I'd felt that ripping pain already. Three years ago I went through six hours of hell, and just two months ago I went through nine hours of the same... but with a happy ending.

The reason I was able to labor so long without an epidural was because I knew I could; I'd done it before. I kept holding that in my heart the entire time I labored. It wasn't anything I hadn't felt before, so it became no big deal. I survived it when I lost my second pregnancy, I knew I could survive it to deliver my son.

Of course, then he became stuck, things didn't progress, my contractions started to come without a break, V's heart kept decelerating... and I needed a c-section. And that's fine. It was for the best, and I'm at peace with that. It was the labor experience I'd wanted, even if it didn't end quite the way I intended it to.

But the whole time I labored, I thought of her. I thought of my son, V. I thought of all the ones who passed before him. I thought of how far I've came, how much we've struggled, and who I've become. I knew I could handle anything, and I did.

And today, I think of her again. I miss her, and everything she might have been. It's gotten easier, but I'm still the mother to children who went before me. That will never change.


Lollipop Goldstein said...

Holding you in my heart tonight.

Kristin said...

Such a beautiful post about such a tough subject. Abiding with you my friend.

PS...check your email

Rebecca said...

Losing a pregnancy is always such a hard thing to discuss. I'm glad that you felt able to do so here.

Lissie said...

Thinking about you and all of you kiddos. Hugs!

loribeth said...

So beautifully said. Thinking of you & your babies. (((hugs)))