Three years ago today I lost my second pregnancy. Well, I'd lost it before then; my body just refused to let it go. Three years ago today I finally went through the horror of passing the pregnancy, of taking Cytotec to induce my miscarriage. That began one of the worst nights of my life.
I used to say that it was six hours of "mini-labor" or contractions, and then I'd make a disclaimer that I didn't know what contractions felt like so I could be mistaken. I knew it was awful, I was in more pain than I'd ever been in before, but I thought labor was surely harder. I take all that back. It was labor, it wasn't less-than-contractions... it was full blown contractions, and I know that now.
The reason I knew I was in labor with V, was because I'd felt those same contractions before. I screamed, I cried; I'd felt that ripping pain already. Three years ago I went through six hours of hell, and just two months ago I went through nine hours of the same... but with a happy ending.
The reason I was able to labor so long without an epidural was because I knew I could; I'd done it before. I kept holding that in my heart the entire time I labored. It wasn't anything I hadn't felt before, so it became no big deal. I survived it when I lost my second pregnancy, I knew I could survive it to deliver my son.
Of course, then he became stuck, things didn't progress, my contractions started to come without a break, V's heart kept decelerating... and I needed a c-section. And that's fine. It was for the best, and I'm at peace with that. It was the labor experience I'd wanted, even if it didn't end quite the way I intended it to.
But the whole time I labored, I thought of her. I thought of my son, V. I thought of all the ones who passed before him. I thought of how far I've came, how much we've struggled, and who I've become. I knew I could handle anything, and I did.
And today, I think of her again. I miss her, and everything she might have been. It's gotten easier, but I'm still the mother to children who went before me. That will never change.