Working on stuff-

32 weeks today!

Things looked pretty good at our appointment yesterday, besides gaining a lot more weight than I should have in 2 weeks. I blame all the cake... delicious, yummy, cake. Mmm. We're waiting on my thyroid results to make sure my dose is still good, I also bit the bullet and got the flu shot (for the first time ever). I talked to my OB about the abdominal pain I started having two days ago, really intense stabbing/bruised feeling near my belly button- she thinks it's probably just round ligament pains, and suggested I take it easy over the weekend and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I can give them a call back Monday. I've been really lazy since then, and it hasn't been bothering me as much... so let's hope it stays that way.

I've been working on a blanket for Nombie for months now. Since I'm taking it easy, I finished it up last night. I think it turned out alright, it looks nicer in real life than in the photos... I really need to learn how to take better crochet photos haha.

This blanket is the first/only one I've actually made specifically for Nombie. I made other blankets for my "someday child" out of hope. While they are special in their own way, this one is even more meaningful for me because I actually made it just for him. No matter what happens, this blanket will always be his. I don't know how to articulate just how scary and amazing that is.

You can kind of see the nursery in the background... it's a real mess right now. I kind of just threw everything in there for now. We'll start setting it up later this month after we get a dresser for in there. But for now= chaos.

Randomness:

- I never did update about my cat Ishi. If you remember, I swore he has some mental defect and he thought my husband was the anti-christ. SIL1 felt like I should get rid of him because he might freak the baby out... yeah, even though I bottle fed this cat, have had him for 5 years, and he only likes me... yeah, umm, no? Ishi is special. This cat thinks the best things in life are, in this order: me, cat treats, dog food, and his tail. Anyway, we thought getting him fixed might help with some of his 'specialness', so we booked him an appointment and got it over with.

The change in him is remarkable. He's still scared of my husband to an extent, but he's so different now. He comes out and plays while my husband is home, he'll even play with my husband if I'm on the couch with him. This hasn't happened since Ishi was a kitten. He loves playing now, all the time. I mean he used to play when I was home alone, but it's like all that anxiety/testosterone got rerouted into play time all the time. His tail is the best toy EVER. It's super long, so it always surprises him when he sees it out of the corner of his eyes... I did say he was special, right?

But he still loves the cuddles, although I'm starting to think we've created a monster. He used to only follow me around meowing when I was home alone... now I get no peace. If he was a human, I'd have a restraining order against him- he's that obsessed with me. Every cat I've ever bottle fed has been obsessed with me, but never quite like this. It does make me smile, he always looks like he's so happy he could explode: I'm his whole world. I saved him, bottle fed him, have loved him, and he still thinks I'm the momma. He's not aggressive about it, or possessive, he doesn't get mad about me petting other cats or anything (just confused as to where his loving is)- he just waits for his chance. We spend most of the night together on the couch.

Oh, but the best part? He stopped spraying.

He does still get a bit freaked out when we rearrange furniture, or bring in new stuff, but it's not as bad. And he gets over it fairly quickly now, so that is definitely good. He doesn't get much more freaked out than everyone else, I'd say it's definitely more normal. I mean, all of them got freaked out when we brought in the hand-me-downs from my cousin, and the stuff from the baby shower, but they all dealt with it and calmed down in their own time. No matter what I do, I know that if Nombie comes home it'll freak them out. They'll probably all hide for awhile, but they'll adjust. Even Ishi.

- Nombie seems to be positioned weird. My right side is sticking out more than my left, and I've been having sharp pains over there where I've felt some movement. I've felt movement all over today, so I'm really not sure how he's positioned... but it's sharp. I told A- last night that I think I'm making a pointy baby. It's a really really sharp/stabby pain, up a little and to the right of my belly button. I'm hoping it's just him being positioned weird... and that he'll move so it hurts less. It's really hurts.

- I think I've started experiencing braxton hicks contractions in the past couple of days. I feel an uncomfortableness every now and then, and my abdomen gets tighter. Never having had BH contractions, I really can't say for sure if this is what it is. But given that I'm almost 32 weeks, I imagine it must be? It's not painful, just uncomfortable. I really can't discern when they start/stop or a pattern, so that's probably good right? I don't know. This is all new territory to me.

- I seem to have hit the point of pregnancy where everything hurts. I feel whiny and I'm trying not to complain because I am so thankful for every single day I get with Nombie. But I hurt all over, all the time, and I'm soooo tired. I can't get comfortable at night, my sides/hips hurt, I wake up so many times because I either need to flip sides or I need to pee, my head hurts, and my abdomen is just so sore all the time. I know it'll be worth it though, really, just so long as Nombie comes home alive. Until then, just taking things one day at a time and taking pleasure in knowing I'm almost there... less than 60 days now until our EDD.

Run down-

I feel so run down lately. Like I've been super exhausted, I'm having trouble sleeping, then work made that worse since it's graveyard shift, and now I've got some ear/jaw pain going on, besides being sore EVERYWHERE... I think I either have an ear infection or a cavity issue; I'll call on Monday if it's still this bad or worse. Just super unpleasant for now.

Also, I can't seem to form coherent thoughts anymore. So, I guess I'll do this post in bullets.

- I can't wait to be done with work. I was so anxious to go back because we need the money, and while we still need the money... physically, it's getting more and more draining the farther along I get. My last day should be 36wks, so I keep telling myself there's only another month. But man, that's going to be such a long month. I just need to make it through Thanksgiving...

- This Saturday we'll be 31 weeks. Which is unbelievable.

- The 22nd is also when my second baby would have been due... (s)he'd have turned 2 this year. That was the one I conceived from my birthday ovulation; I'd hoped that it would be the best birthday present ever. I'd thought that EDD was sort of neat, since I have a nephew who was born on the 25th, and a niece on the 28th- so close to my EDD. But then I lost it, and it was terrible. I'm glad that over time the memory of what I went through has faded, the vividness has dulled... but I still remember the screaming, 6 hours of hell, and the horrible empty feeling the next morning as if I'd been carved hollow and raw from the inside out. I don't think that will ever fade.

- Our first baby was due a little over a week after Nombie. It's weird being due within the same time frame again, of course this time my entire view of everything has changed. It's like living a parallel timeline for what should have been, except everything is different now. It's amazing how different we are after three years- but I can see her (the old me) and that baby we lost, and where we would have been.

- The last four years A- has asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I'd tell him I wanted a baby. And then I'd cry because that's really all I wanted, the one thing we couldn't seem to have. The holidays have been exceedingly difficult as we continued to experience more losses and medical setbacks while A-'s younger siblings continued having children. I really hope this Christmas is different for us.

- It's getting colder here, we've had the windows closed in the house and the heat on. And for some reason, that is already making me excited for winter decorating. I hate winter/cold/snow... but I love getting out the holiday decorations. My favorite family tradition is putting up our tree together. I love the way it looks and the warm feeling I get from looking at it. I love the garlands, candles, hot cocoa, holiday music, colored lights... I soak it all up. Still another month before all that though!

- Being due on a holiday is surreal, it serves as a constant reminder of our EDD. I've never been this hyper aware of how many days until Christmas before. When I see the Christmas stuff in the store I freak out a little. It's still two months away, and that seems like forever. Then I think, it's only two months away and that seems like no time at all. Mostly I settle on "plenty of time" and stop thinking about it... mostly.

- I wish Nombie would move more. I still don't feel much movement, and that bothers me. I know that with the anterior placenta this can be normal, but my OB makes it out like I should be feeling him more than I am. I don't know, it just makes me nervous sometimes. I just really don't feel like I should be going all day without feeling him when I'm this far along. My OB said for kick counts to try and feel 5 movements in an hour... but some days I'm lucky if I feel 5 instances of movement in 24 hours. But he always seems fine, and I find him on the doppler without too much hassle (most of the time) so I guess it's just normal for him. Yeah, that doesn't make me less uneasy though.

The Baby Shower-

Here's me from today, 30wks + 1day. We'd just gotten home from the baby shower, so I still had my button on.

The shower went alright, it was very... awkward. It could have been worse though, so I'm not going to complain too much.

My mother had a few moments where she couldn't understand what was going on, and we got her set right before it turned into a blowout and she got too disoriented. I was hoping I was the only one that noticed, but A- and my best friend commented on it. A- knew where it was heading, and my friend knew enough about my mother to know too... the rest of the guests had no idea the near melt-down/tantrum that was averted.

Less than half the invitees showed up, which again was expected.

However, it was weird. The shower was for my baby, but most of the time people talked amongst themselves... like, I really didn't do much talking at all. Heck, most people didn't ask about Nombie, or talk about our pregnancy. It made the whole issue of "awkward conversation" null and void, since there really wasn't that much conversation with me at all? Which, as I said, strikes me as odd to begin with... but it's over now.

While I was opening gifts most of them were busy fawning over the new nephew and talking loudly about him. This pissed my best friend off, since the shower was for our baby. I have a kind of "meh" attitude about it; at least it took the focus off of me... I hate being the center of attention. But I also feel a little cheated, since this was supposed to be about celebrating Nombie. And since no one talked about him, or paid much attention during the gift opening, it makes me wonder what exactly we were doing there?

Why yes, I am a little conflicted... and not quite done processing what just happened.

I'm thankful they made the effort, that nothing disastrous happened, and for the company/gifts. The cake was nice (and yummy); Nombie was happy about that too. Very happy.

And... yeah. So I guess it was, umm, nice?
I think I'm just going to continue processing this.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today my heart goes out to those parents that have lost their children, whether it in the early stages of pregnancy, late term, or after birth. A loss is a loss.

I like to take today as a way to remember and raise awareness. People know that pregnancy loss happens, that infants pass away- but what they don't always realize is how often this happens. Every single person out there knows someone that has lost a child, even if they don't always know it. We're not alone in this; those who have lost might not always talk about them, but you are never alone.

If you are one of the many grieving and have come to my blog today, let me say it again: You are not alone.

Often this grief is isolating, it feels heavier by the silence. Whether we speak about it or not, we're often met with a brick wall- people neither know what to say, or how to react, when we tell them "I lost my baby." Often a simple, "I'm sorry," would suffice, a shoulder to cry on, letting us talk about our children. What we don't want are platitudes. We don't want to hear how it could have been worse, or how we're lucky we can try again, or any other bull shit. Our babies died, and they aren't ever coming back. What we need is to grieve.

I get tired of being told to move on, that it's okay now... because it's not okay, I should have an almost three year old, I should have a child turning two, I should have a one year old... but I don't. Yes, I am pregnant now- and I am thankful for every single day that this child is still alive inside me. But he is not a replacement for his brothers and sisters, he is his own precious being. We wanted them all. We still miss them. Their existence changed our lives forever.

My niece would have turned 13 this year. Instead, we remember that 13 years ago she lived inside my sister's womb. She was born, but she was born silent. My nephews know their sister existed; they came later, never met her, but they love her just the same. Her ashes rest with them, her memory with all of the lives she touched.

And today, my heart goes out to all of you who have lost, whether it was your own child, a family member's, a friend's (because our losses are never just our own). My heart broke so many times this year, and years past, when my friends have lost. So many fellow bloggers, women from my support groups, my friends... it's unfathomable sometimes. And I stand with you today to remember. I stand here to let others remember too- we are not alone.

At 7pm I will be lighting a candle for the three pregnancies I have lost, the children I will never meet. I will be lighting this candle for my niece. For my friend's children. For all the children lost. I invite you to join me, wherever you are, to remember.

Positives-

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. I really needed to vent that out, I'm really hoping things go smoothly on Sunday... but A- and I both have our doubts. I'm going to have A- and my best friend as support/backup so hopefully that'll give me the strength to get through this. I'm scared though.

There have been some positive things lately though, so I thought I'd share those!

We'll be 30wks on Saturday. That's exciting! Every week Nombie's still with us is absolutely amazing.

A couple days before the ultrasound, I was feeling my abdomen and noticed that there was a lump on the left side. I commented to A- that I thought it was Nombie's head. I kept feeling it leading up to the ultrasound. We had the ultrasound and confirmed it was indeed his head poking out there. So. freaking. weird. He's moved since the ultrasound, I'm not sure where his head is now. I think he might be head up again, or maybe laying sideways from the right now. Really not sure.

I keep going back and looking at the 3d ultrasound photos. It's just so surreal knowing that he's in there, and he's so stinking cute. There are some sequential shots where he puckers his face up, sticks his tongue out, then starts sucking his thumb. Like, for serious, there's a baby in there. That always hits me after every ultrasound, and I'm always amazed by it. Like, I know there's a baby in there, but after I see him again it really just hits me anew without fail. It never gets old.

Nombie was really active the days following the ultrasound. It was nice feeling some strong solid movement, and not just a handful of movement a day. I mean, he was going at it! I get so worried since I really don't feel him very often. Since he's moved from my left, I haven't been feeling him as much again. It was nice while it lasted.

A couple days ago, A- finally felt Nombie move from the outside. I've been feeling Nombie on the outside for weeks, but my hands always just happen to be on my belly when he moves. Movement is so unpredictable, and the only way to catch it is when it's up top. A- hasn't felt any big kicks/punches, it was just some squirming. I feel a lot of squirming where Nombie's head is, he likes to jam it against my uterine wall/placenta at the top. So when he turns it's this weird twisting feeling. Sometimes it can be felt from the outside. Of course, the next day A- was doubting he felt anything, saying it felt like a twitch and he wasn't sure. But it was. And he felt squirming again the next day. But, no solid hard kicks/punches.

The other day we were at a store, and there was a really good sale going on this crib they had. I was planning on waiting until the end of this month to buy a crib, but A- really wanted to get this crib since the deal was really good (and of course, the sale expired the next day). So... we bought a crib. Yeah. We haven't opened it yet, it's sitting in the nursery in it's box waiting. We should probably open it and make sure it doesn't have any missing parts/scratches... but I don't know if I want to just yet. Buying it was scary enough!
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We have a busy weekend ahead of us:

Friday we have another appointment with my OB so we'll see how that goes.

Saturday, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We'll be taking a pause and lighting our candle at 7pm in honor of all the babies we've lost, as well as for anyone else who has lost a child. Sadly, many members of the ALI community that I follow or am friends with have lost children this year, and my heart goes out to them. I'll be posting about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on my FB and on here too, like I do every year.

Then Sunday is the baby shower. I'll be sure to post about that; but I might need to process things first, so the post might take a few days for me to spit it out. It's only two hours... that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe less if we're lucky.

Le stress-

The baby shower is this Sunday. I'm hoping for the strength to survive it. Not from just the obvious reasons, like still feeling uncomfortable talking about the pregnancy... but, well, my mother is supposed to be hosting it.

I don't talk about her a lot on here, because I try to limit what I say about certain family members. My mother is mentally ill (certified by the gov't). Most people don't know how seriously ill she is, won't admit how much worse she's gotten, or don't believe me when I say that she's mentally ill. She has no verbal filter, she thinks everything is about her, that she's got it worse than everyone else, and that she's going to die. She forgets things, like conversations we just had or recipes she made for the holidays every year since I was a child- and she gets worse every year. She functions in society, her social worker hasn't put restrictions on her- she can go where she wants, drive, live on her own, she's just off.

She lives on her own in an efficiency apartment for the disabled. She tells people that she's on disability for physical reasons, and maybe by now she is too on top of the mental... I don't know. She does have physical issues, but she also exaggerates drastically (she's lied about cancer before- yes, we know with certainty she lied about it). She says she can't breathe, she's even got oxygen at home (which she refuses to use) oh, and she's also a chain smoker.

I love my mother, but she's extremely challenging. When I can, I limit my visits with her to less than an hour. Because honestly, I end up wanting to bang my head into a wall and pull my hair out before that hour is even up.

She's been trying to help us out, and I appreciate it. I think her heart is in the right place. But it's very trying. She only wants to come during certain times of the day: 2pm is okay but 3pm is too late because it might start getting dark. In case you're wondering, yeah sunset is 8pm here, and she lives about 20 minutes away... so I'm still confused on how 3pm is too late? And don't get me started about if it's raining (even sprinkles are dangerous).

- She was getting hand-me-downs from my cousin's house for us. I told her repeatedly I did not want some of the stuff because of safety reasons (Heck, the crib she wanted me to take was probably 10 years old, missing it's hardware, and deplorable!) So, what does my mother do? She brings it all over anyway. And rather than leave the stuff I don't want in her car and drop it off at the thrift store (which was on her way home, and they would have unloaded it for her) she just left it at my house and stormed off. Apparently I offended her because I told her I didn't want that stuff (which I told her before she picked it up)... oh, and because I asked her not to smoke around me in my own house again. I think that was the clincher.

Okay, I know she doesn't understand. I'm all for hand-me-downs but we still haven't had our shower yet, plus we had planned to buy certain things new (like the crib)... and you know if this baby survives it will be our first, and possibly our only, living child. I think I'm entitled to have some things that I want for my child; I mean, we've waited 4 years for this.

- Back to the smoking... yeah, all the stuff she brings over from her home for the baby reeks of smoke. I used to be a smoker, but my stuff never smelled this bad according to A-, who has never been a smoker. She chain smokes, and she doesn't think twice about lighting up with me in her apartment (with windows closed), or in her car, or in my own house. She will proudly tell you that she smoked through all of her pregnancies, and her 4 children turned out fine (besides the awful asthma). I don't give a fuck if she thinks smoking didn't hurt her babies, what's done is done... but damn it, this is my baby. I stopped smoking for my health and my future children's health. She can stop smoking for 1 hour in my presence.

- So the shower... she offered to do our shower, and I had to accept even though I had doubts about this. If I had turned her down, she would have thrown a tantrum and a major woe-is-me campaign. But she's causing me serious stress about this. She's already complained about money (which meant she was trying to get us to help foot the bill- this isn't the first time she's done this). She wouldn't let my MIL help with it at all initially, saying "there isn't much to do for a shower." My mom likes to do things alone, so she was being very controlling about this. Yet she kept trying to make me fill out the invites and envelopes for the shower? Which I explained several times was bad etiquette, and she kept arguing with me about it. I had decided on telling her to cancel and have someone else throw it, but she'd already sent the invites out.

She told me she got the invites at the dollar store, which would have been fine if they were decent quality. But they were so cheaply made that my friend's was coming out of the envelope due to how thin the envelopes were! So now I'm just hoping the invites didn't get lost in the mail from escaping the envelopes... ugh. She mailed them out a week later than we agreed on, so guests have limited notice of the shower as well (if they even got their invites). I had to call her again the other night because MIL was really really really wanting to help. My mom started blowing this off again, but we kept talking and she started telling me "well, this still needs done," and "I didn't really finish this," and after I finally got her to spill it... I found out that EVERYTHING she told me was "already done", was in fact not done AT ALL. At the end of the conversation, I got her to agree to call MIL directly and see what she can get done.

It then took them another week to make contact because my mom was worried I gave her the wrong number (even after checking with me multiple times and confirming it was the correct number), and then she refused to call it again or text it because she just didn't think it was the right number. Ugh. MIL got ahold of her in the end... a week before the shower.

To be fair... I know that I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to let her do this. I knew how she was. But I also knew how she'd react if I turned her down. I thought I was choosing the lesser of two evils. She'd blindsided me and asked to do it very early on, before anyone else could offer. If someone else had, turning her down would have been easier. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny bitch, but my MIL or my best friend would love to be have thrown me a shower. They even offered to do a separate shower, but I didn't see the point in doing that because honestly there aren't that many people to invite; it's going to be a very small shower to begin with. I would much rather have had my best friend do the shower though, my stress meter would be so much lower right now.

It's too late now, the invites are out. The shower is set. I was dreading this shower because of people acting like this is my first pregnancy and saying asinine things... but honestly, my mom worries me more.

That's totally not the only thing stressing me about my mom, but if I wrote everything down it'd be a novel (well more of a novel than it already is!) I really am thankful that she's trying, that we're even getting a shower, and I am grateful for the hand-me-downs I got (I did get a lot of very nice/useful stuff!)... but there's just some stuff I could do without.

I will have a much more positive post tomorrow or the next day, but for now... I just needed to unload. She pulled some crap last week that had me really frazzled (not going into it, that's an even longer story)... but I'm just at my wits end.

I wish I had a "normal" crazy mom; you know the type where you say your mom is crazy, but she's not really crazy? I always fall into the trap of trying to help her, or going to her when I have stuff going on in my life because, well, she's my mother. But the truth is, she stopped being my mother a long time ago. We go through the motions, and I love her... but as her mental illness got worse, she checked out on life and being a mother. I can remember so many good memories of her from when I was little, but by the time I was 11 I started noticing things changing, my mother was there... but she wasn't there.

I wonder if my heart will ever realize what my mind did all those years ago.

Progression-

SIL2 is healing well, very exhausted though. She did end up with 2 blood transfusions directly after her c-section, then 2 more transfusions the next morning. Baby is doing great too.

We went over to see them the other day, he was so cute. Nombie started moving, or kicking, at the nephew as I held him; now that felt weird! Holding a baby while your own kicked it from inside you... haha, yeah. I couldn't help but think, "I might actually have one of these in a few months." That felt surreal. I might actually have a baby.

Tomorrow is 29 weeks. Yeah, that's pretty AMAZING. We went ahead and had an elective 3d/4d ultrasound because honestly, this is probably our first/last chance, and damn it I WANTED one. I know I'd regret not getting it done: even if things went perfectly, but especially if something goes wrong. Nombie was uncooperative, to say the least. He is breech, with his face mashed up against the lovely anterior placenta, and he was totally folded in half. He kept putting his feet in his mouth, like "Toes... YUM." It was cute, but it made getting good face shots really difficult. After we got him to move his feet, he decided he needed to suck his thumb. And then he put his feet back in his face. Hahahaha... nice.


You can see his face and feet/toes on the right in this one, and his arm up under his chin.

My husband's response: while he thought some of it was cute, he refers to 3d/4d ultrasounds as "the melting baby pictures." I think they creep him out a little... and some of them, yeah, can't say I blame him! But the good shots are so cute.

This one is just a better face shot :) He's got the chubbiest little cheeks. So in love.