Friday, October 21, 2011

Run down-

I feel so run down lately. Like I've been super exhausted, I'm having trouble sleeping, then work made that worse since it's graveyard shift, and now I've got some ear/jaw pain going on, besides being sore EVERYWHERE... I think I either have an ear infection or a cavity issue; I'll call on Monday if it's still this bad or worse. Just super unpleasant for now.

Also, I can't seem to form coherent thoughts anymore. So, I guess I'll do this post in bullets.

- I can't wait to be done with work. I was so anxious to go back because we need the money, and while we still need the money... physically, it's getting more and more draining the farther along I get. My last day should be 36wks, so I keep telling myself there's only another month. But man, that's going to be such a long month. I just need to make it through Thanksgiving...

- This Saturday we'll be 31 weeks. Which is unbelievable.

- The 22nd is also when my second baby would have been due... (s)he'd have turned 2 this year. That was the one I conceived from my birthday ovulation; I'd hoped that it would be the best birthday present ever. I'd thought that EDD was sort of neat, since I have a nephew who was born on the 25th, and a niece on the 28th- so close to my EDD. But then I lost it, and it was terrible. I'm glad that over time the memory of what I went through has faded, the vividness has dulled... but I still remember the screaming, 6 hours of hell, and the horrible empty feeling the next morning as if I'd been carved hollow and raw from the inside out. I don't think that will ever fade.

- Our first baby was due a little over a week after Nombie. It's weird being due within the same time frame again, of course this time my entire view of everything has changed. It's like living a parallel timeline for what should have been, except everything is different now. It's amazing how different we are after three years- but I can see her (the old me) and that baby we lost, and where we would have been.

- The last four years A- has asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I'd tell him I wanted a baby. And then I'd cry because that's really all I wanted, the one thing we couldn't seem to have. The holidays have been exceedingly difficult as we continued to experience more losses and medical setbacks while A-'s younger siblings continued having children. I really hope this Christmas is different for us.

- It's getting colder here, we've had the windows closed in the house and the heat on. And for some reason, that is already making me excited for winter decorating. I hate winter/cold/snow... but I love getting out the holiday decorations. My favorite family tradition is putting up our tree together. I love the way it looks and the warm feeling I get from looking at it. I love the garlands, candles, hot cocoa, holiday music, colored lights... I soak it all up. Still another month before all that though!

- Being due on a holiday is surreal, it serves as a constant reminder of our EDD. I've never been this hyper aware of how many days until Christmas before. When I see the Christmas stuff in the store I freak out a little. It's still two months away, and that seems like forever. Then I think, it's only two months away and that seems like no time at all. Mostly I settle on "plenty of time" and stop thinking about it... mostly.

- I wish Nombie would move more. I still don't feel much movement, and that bothers me. I know that with the anterior placenta this can be normal, but my OB makes it out like I should be feeling him more than I am. I don't know, it just makes me nervous sometimes. I just really don't feel like I should be going all day without feeling him when I'm this far along. My OB said for kick counts to try and feel 5 movements in an hour... but some days I'm lucky if I feel 5 instances of movement in 24 hours. But he always seems fine, and I find him on the doppler without too much hassle (most of the time) so I guess it's just normal for him. Yeah, that doesn't make me less uneasy though.

8 comments:

Celia said...

Boo, it could be TMJ. I had that with Peter and thought it was a cavity or infection. Try loosening your jaw and try not eating hard to chew food, like steak or nuts or stuff for a couple days. I could never do kick counts with Peter either, it was annoying/scary because everyone would be all "Do A Kick Count blah blah" and it was impossible. I actually loved being in the hospital for monitoring because it showed me how much Peter ACTUALLY moved as compared to what I felt.

Try and conserve your strength. Make your husband do as many errands as possible and just rest so you have the energy to give to work if that is what you need.

I am hoping with all my heart that this is Your Best Christmas EVER!

Crystal said...

I hardly ever felt my son move. I can recall 4 times in the entire pregnancy, from the first movement (about 7 months) until the end of the pregnancy. Some babies just don't move as much, or as obviously. Or it's just because of how Nombie is positioned/the AP/et cetera. Don't let the doctor freak you out. I'd base it upon how Nombie has been thus far, since -you- know Nombie better than anyone else. Plus, he could be flipping any time now. You might get more movement then! I think the worry is normal, especially in your case. I know I worried constantly, and I hadn't had any issues (because, what if?).

I hope everything is beautiful and smooth from here on out.

claire said...

maybe his back is on the outside closest to the placenta?

Best of luck dear.

Don't forget to have your carseat checked by a certified technician. you can find some people in your area on car-seat.org.

Kristin said...

It's always so very hard to relax when you've been through loss after loss. I am so thrilled for you but I wish it was less stressful for you.

Rebecca said...

It must be so exciting to know that the birth is getting close. From what I've been told the third trimester is similar to the first for sleep needs until the last month where you get hardly any sleep at all.

Try using a neti pot on your sinuses. I've been using one for 10 months and its really cut back on the number of sinus infections I get. I have chronic sinusitis.

Good Luck!

Jay said...

I totally understand why loss after previous loss changes your outlook, your fear levels, everything. But when you have gotten this far and everything is ok, the odds overwhelmingly are it will be ok.

You are so close to finish line- after you get past it,along with the joy it brings in itself, I hope it provides some little balm for what you have been through in the past.

Groves said...

No wonder you feel worn out. Grief makes for heavy carrying.

You have not had the luxury of one day in this pregnancy when you were able to be "flippantly relaxed" like people can who haven't lived through what you have.

There's the aching for that moment when your baby is here, in your arms, alive and well (please, God!). There's always wondering if you'll ever get to enjoy that day. And then there's all the grief - even when the baby is here - from what you've survived before.

I'm not saying it's all grief all the time. I'm just saying there's no separating the grief from the happiness from the hope from the pain from life. You know this all too well. And it's pretty exhausting sometimes.

Oh, Nombie...grow and grow and be safe and well.

You sound normal to me,

Cathy in Missouri

iamstacey said...

The kick count thing never worked for me, either! It just made me more nervous and anxious! And I didn't feel baby girl move much, either. I hated that. :(
I'm glad you and Nombie are doing so great! Two months is no time at all! :)