Monday, February 7, 2011

Sinking-

I've been pretty depressed lately, I think the new year, my job, my birthday, my cycle (or lack thereof) and a lot of other things kind of factored into it. But I've been in a funk.

I haven't felt like doing anything; not really wanting to clean the house, or work on any of my hobbies... I've been moping, I won't lie. It's easier to sit and stare at the wall than it is to focus on a movie or game. There's a lot of things I've been thinking about, but by the time I can sit down and write about them... I don't feel like it anymore. I pretty much logged off my life for a few days there.

I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, can't find a job I want, husband's job situation is worrisome at times, can't save the money we need for embryo adoption or anything else at the moment, issues with my family (gah), my husband's family (agh), my weight, my husband's health, my health, dealing with some issues from the past, some issues from the present, and a whole hell lotta issues from where we're going.

I recognize that things could be so much worse, and I don't take what we have for granted. I just can't stop being depressed, I can't stop feeling helpless and hopeless. Almost 4 years ago we started down this path, and I just want to reach the end already. I want things to go the way I want them to, just once. I know there are some things I can change, some things I can work on, that aren't really as hopeless as they seem. And I own that, and I am trying to change them. It's just really hard sometimes, and I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I look at the mountain ahead of me, instead of the ground beneath my feet, and it's so ominous.

*deep breathes*

I made a goal to lose weight while we're saving money. While I haven't gained any, thanks to the change in my Metformin dosage, I haven't really lost any. Maybe two pounds, but nothing noticeable. I haven't really made any effort to do anything about it either, I've just been in a huge funk.

So, I decided tonight that I am tired of being in this funk. I'm tired of being this size. I'm going to hold myself accountable and get back into the swing of things. So I've made a plan, and I'm hoping to start implementing it tomorrow. It might be a very rough week, but I am putting it out here so that it's public, so I have a reason to hold myself accountable. Screw PCOS and all this weight, I know I can lose it. It might be really really hard, but I can do it. I need to.

I've ordered some Myo Inositol to see if it helps with my PCOS. I've read other women's successes with Myo Inositol/DCI, and saw some studies done on Pubmed.gov. Small studies, but some have had interesting results. I opted to try Myo Inositol because it's cheaper, and it's the kind used in some of the more promising studies. DCI is basically the same, but from what I understand it's what Myo Inositol is processed into and many women say it's better for PCOS than the other. I'm going to try this for now though, and see how that goes.

Tomorrow I'm starting yoga again. I loved yoga. I don't really know why I stopped, because I felt it was a hassle? Because no one was holding me accountable, least of all myself? I don't know, but I do love yoga. Unlike most exercises, yoga feels good to me. I may alternate between yoga and an exercise ball, or do them the same day. Those activities should help me tone muscle, and they're a little cardio so that's good.

Every other day I'm going to try to walk 30-40 minutes, 1 mile, at minimum. That should be toning and cardio. I can't run really, if I even jog I have an asthma attack. Not cool. So for now starting there. Maybe my lungs will get a bit better as I continue working out, but for now- no running/jogging/strenuous activity.

Also going to have to start watching my calories again. I know I can get them down, I've down this before. My cravings are way less than they were since I upped my Metformin, so I'm hoping that will make the transition a little easier. For now the goal is less than 1,800 calories a day. Later, I'm probably going to aim closer to 1,500. But for now, this is good. The goal is to lose 43lbs by October. More would be awesome, but 43lbs is a start in the right direction. That would put me 22lbs below how much I weighed when I first started trying to conceive.

I'm considering going on birth control pills while I'm working on the weight loss. It would ensure I'm having a cycle, give my body a break from it's own hormone misproduction, and prevent cysts. I just don't know yet. Still deciding on that.

Hopefully these changes do their thing- I'm ready for a change.

7 comments:

Journey of My Life said...

I am also sailing through the same phase.Whatever you have mentioned, the same thing is rolling like anything in my mind. I feel like completely failed as a woman. But hoping that everything will be fine very soon. I got inspiration from you and have to start the yoga again. Lets do it!!!

Celia said...

I am giant too. When I look at myself in the mirror it is really awful. My doctor won't let me have met yet.

As far as the black cloud, it is hard not to be depressed but the big thing is to keep trying. Depression is just a terrible circle. I used to eat mini candy bars for breakfast and not even comb my hair and then watch that I Would Do Anything video and cry.
Try thinking about yourself in the third person. If you were trying to make someone feel better, what would you do for them? Then do that for yourself. I am thinking of you.

Connie's Confessions said...

Hey Sweet Girl,

First let me just say that I know exactly how you are feeling. Depression is such a downward spiral that is hard to pull out of if you do not pull yourself out of it soon enough. I so admire that you are taking this emotion by the horns. I was there a while ago.

Second, Yoga is wonderful for your MIND, SOUL AND BODY. Try to keep that in your daily routine. Find inspiring music. Make exercising your dialy routine as well. I know it is hard. It's so hard for me too. But I force myself to do it.

The trick is to mix things up. A friend of mine found some Sweating to the Oldies VCR tapes at a Thrift store. She pulled out her old VCR player, dusted it off and mixes that in her weekly working out. It is such a great idea, I plan on Thrift shopping for work out tapes myself! :)

Also, try to eat more vegetarian. Vegetables are soooooo low fat. As far as myself, I love portabella mushrooms, peppers and squashes. So I have been looking up different recipes and have mostly roasted and grilled vegetables on my plate with just a tiny bit of the dinner I prepare for my family. I have Special K for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch and a healthy dinner. Also I try to fit in a healthy fruit snack in between meals.

Oh, and Dr. Oz had a program a few weeks ago saying that if you drink a glass of ice cold water every morning when you wake up, it kick starts your metabolism due to your body trying to warm up cold liquids that was once warm from sleeping. Then after eating breakfast, work out. Mornings is so much better than evenings because your body continually burns calories throughout the day. I have been forcing myself to do this because I am sooo not a water drinking and working out early person, but it has gotten easy now! LOL

So far with Metformin, eating more vegetables and MAKING MYSELF work out at least 20 minutes a day, I have so far lost 12 pounds. I still have some ways to go but this is a start for me.

My specialist told me that extra weight has a great affect on fertility. I knew this going in to see him that I was going to be reprimanded for my weight. (I fell into a depression too after the loss of my last pregnancy and must have gained an extra 20 pounds)

Anyway, some ideas. It is always easier to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, but depression only adds to your infertility. It is always better to pull yourself out of it, (like you are doing), and heal your mind and body.

Good luck with your weight loss. I am right there with ya girl! *hugs*

Mrs Bishop said...

Good luck, I know how hard it is to lose the weight! I'm right there with ya!

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm sorry that things have been rough lately. All of those stresses- job, IF, money, etc are always worse in the wintertime, with the cold and lack of sun. It sounds like you have formulated a great plan.

I love yoga too, and I don't know why I stopped either. During one of the best periods of my life, I was going to yoga classes 4 to 5 times a week (2 mornings before work, at 6am, and 2 to 3 evenings or weekend classes). I didn't lose a lot of weight, but boy did I feel stronger and better about myself and just happier and less depressed in general. And this was when I worked a crappy job for very little money, had broken up with S and afraid I would never find my One, and had to move back in with my parents because of the crappy job/no money thing. Somehow, yoga helped me deal with the depression I was in then, and I remember leaving yoga classes feeling like I had just had a massage and therapy session combined.

Then I moved away from my yoga studio and never found a class here. I don't really have the discipline to do it at home, and I miss the spiritual benefits of being guided by a great instructor. I need to find a class to take here. Thank you for inspiring me, and good luck with all the changes you are making.

Celia said...

I am just checking in on you.

AuntAudi21 said...

Hi there- I have been struggling with what seems to be the same thing you have posted. You sound like me! I have been very depressed lately and decided to start blogging to maybe have some support from others who deal with some or all of the things I deal with or have dealt with. I am glad I came across your blog! If you would like please follow me as well. I just started it tonight!
www.grievingthechildidreamof.blogspot.com