I haven't felt like doing anything; not really wanting to clean the house, or work on any of my hobbies... I've been moping, I won't lie. It's easier to sit and stare at the wall than it is to focus on a movie or game. There's a lot of things I've been thinking about, but by the time I can sit down and write about them... I don't feel like it anymore. I pretty much logged off my life for a few days there.
I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, can't find a job I want, husband's job situation is worrisome at times, can't save the money we need for embryo adoption or anything else at the moment, issues with my family (gah), my husband's family (agh), my weight, my husband's health, my health, dealing with some issues from the past, some issues from the present, and a whole hell lotta issues from where we're going.
I recognize that things could be so much worse, and I don't take what we have for granted. I just can't stop being depressed, I can't stop feeling helpless and hopeless. Almost 4 years ago we started down this path, and I just want to reach the end already. I want things to go the way I want them to, just once. I know there are some things I can change, some things I can work on, that aren't really as hopeless as they seem. And I own that, and I am trying to change them. It's just really hard sometimes, and I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I look at the mountain ahead of me, instead of the ground beneath my feet, and it's so ominous.
I made a goal to lose weight while we're saving money. While I haven't gained any, thanks to the change in my Metformin dosage, I haven't really lost any. Maybe two pounds, but nothing noticeable. I haven't really made any effort to do anything about it either, I've just been in a huge funk.
So, I decided tonight that I am tired of being in this funk. I'm tired of being this size. I'm going to hold myself accountable and get back into the swing of things. So I've made a plan, and I'm hoping to start implementing it tomorrow. It might be a very rough week, but I am putting it out here so that it's public, so I have a reason to hold myself accountable. Screw PCOS and all this weight, I know I can lose it. It might be really really hard, but I can do it. I need to.
I've ordered some Myo Inositol to see if it helps with my PCOS. I've read other women's successes with Myo Inositol/DCI, and saw some studies done on Pubmed.gov. Small studies, but some have had interesting results. I opted to try Myo Inositol because it's cheaper, and it's the kind used in some of the more promising studies. DCI is basically the same, but from what I understand it's what Myo Inositol is processed into and many women say it's better for PCOS than the other. I'm going to try this for now though, and see how that goes.
Tomorrow I'm starting yoga again. I loved yoga. I don't really know why I stopped, because I felt it was a hassle? Because no one was holding me accountable, least of all myself? I don't know, but I do love yoga. Unlike most exercises, yoga feels good to me. I may alternate between yoga and an exercise ball, or do them the same day. Those activities should help me tone muscle, and they're a little cardio so that's good.
Every other day I'm going to
try to walk 30-40 minutes, 1 mile, at minimum. That should be toning and cardio. I can't run really, if I even jog I have an asthma attack. Not cool. So for now starting there. Maybe my lungs will get a bit better as I continue working out, but for now- no running/jogging/strenuous activity.
Also going to have to start watching my calories again. I know I can get them down, I've down this before. My cravings are way less than they were since I upped my Metformin, so I'm hoping that will make the transition a little easier. For now the goal is less than 1,800 calories a day. Later, I'm probably going to aim closer to 1,500. But for now, this is good. The goal is to lose 43lbs by October. More would be awesome, but 43lbs is a start in the right direction. That would put me 22lbs below how much I weighed when I first started trying to conceive.
I'm considering going on birth control pills while I'm working on the weight loss. It would ensure I'm having a cycle, give my body a break from it's own hormone misproduction, and prevent cysts. I just don't know yet. Still deciding on that.
Hopefully these changes do their thing- I'm ready for a change.