Wednesday, September 1, 2010


This cycle is officially underway. I got cleared on ultrasound and blood work, and I started my Femara yesterday. We'll see how that goes. Since my ovarian drilling I have ovulated 5 cycles in a row with the aide of fertility treatments... not bad. However, my ovulation to pregnancy rate has been decimated. I had previously gotten pregnant on literally every other ovulatory cycle... no such luck anymore. It worries me on one hand, on the other I do have less follicles and I realize that this can be "normal"... but seriously, it does concern me. Like, what, is something else wrong now?

Maybe it really is a blessing in disguise, because I can't have another miscarriage if I don't get pregnant- and that is all I'm asking for these days, really. I just don't want to have another miscarriage, and I want to be a mother someday somehow. You wouldn't think I would be asking for that much, for a normal person that's a simple enough demand- but what a tall order that is for me.

I'm still making plans for adoption- we're still plotting our course. I'm more excited about adoption than I am about getting pregnant, I can tell you that much. That's probably saying something at this point.

Our mid-cycle is scheduled for the 10th, which happens to be my husband's birthday party. His birthday is on the 14th, but we're celebrating on the weekend. I get to go get probed, then run home and try to assemble his cake. I am seeing a major cake wreck in my future. I bought back up cakes though, so if nothing else I will just make him a regular sheet cake. I am not a cake designer, and have no intention of it, I am not very handy in the kitchen- I just want to make something he'll like. We'll see how that goes.

Back the the mid-cycle... not holding too much hope in that. First cycle of Femara we triggered on cycle day 13. Second cycle, I believe we triggered on cycle day 16. So the 10th is cycle day 13. Not sure if we'll be ready by then, or not- or if I'll just not respond at all. That would happen to me after all. If it's not big enough, but definitely trying to get there, we'll come back for another ultrasound, likely around the 13th.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reflecting lately. A lot of things still bother me- festering under my skin. The second miscarriage, and how very awful it was- and how even the people closest to me don't know what I really went through with that. They don't know about the gestational sac, the 6 hours of contractions HELL. No one was there for me, the two weeks I was on bedrest before we confirmed it was over. No one was there for me the week after, when I was on pain meds and still in so much pain emotionally and physically. And still, most of them don't know what really happened. Some days I want to just scream it out loud, type it out to them and fuck how they feel about it, I want to tell my story- the REAL story- and I realize that I want to do this, because I don't think know they don't get it. They don't realize what happened, they don't understand what "miscarriage" really means. And I know that even putting it in their faces, they still wouldn't get it- you can't, unless you've really been there. My other miscarriages were bad, terribly sad- but nothing in comparison to what I went through with that second one. It was so unfair too- my betas were rising, tripling, perfectly. Everything was looking so good. And then... it was just over. So suddenly. But of course, we had to wait weeks to confirm that...

Maybe I just need to have a good rant, write it out, write out how I feel about it, what I went through- I don't know.

I don't know where I was going or what I was saying now... maybe I can reassemble my thoughts and return to them later.

7 comments: said...

I didn't O on Femara until cycle day 21 both times I took it. I loved that my RE said I might not be responding because I wasn't ready to trigger on day 13. bah.

I hope your Dh has a lovely birthday and the cake works out :)

Seriously, unless you've been in that throbbing fucked up pain of going through a miscarriage I don't think you can truly understand it. I think about writing it out for my IL's who just think I can't get over "it" but then I know they just won't understand how fucking terrible it was/is.

WindDrop said...

AcMoore/Michaels have Wilton cake decorating stuff. Me and DH are taking the basic decorating class. You can buy the booklet for $5 and it gives you a couple of pages for tips on how to bake, flip, let it sit, and ice a cake.
DH and I have been doing it wrong this whole time. You should take a quick peek.

Kristin said...

I had one miscarriage that was that physically horrible. I didn't have the other stuff but the contractions, the gawd awful pain, and the puking. It wasn't pretty. You have my {{{hugs}}} and sympathy.

Good luck with this cycle.

Camel said...

I have had 5 miscarriages, each one more traumatizing than the last. Watching what you want so badly moving and living, only to lose them the next day, is something that nobody gets unless it's happened to them. I always read your blog and you struck me today because you are thinking some things that I was thinking. I was having all these ovulatory cycles after my miscarriage, finally, I have pcos and clotting issues, but a year had passed and i couldn't get pregnant. I had years in the past where I only ovulated twice a year and I got pregnant. I had started to think that my "pregnant" was now broke too, lol. I know how bad that hurts. You think, God, what else is wrong with me? I am currently six weeks pregnant, after over a year of ovulating and nothing. After high tech meds it finally worked again with some clomid. My evil best friend. This pregnancy doesn't look good, they can't see a heartbeat, but I will tell you, it's at least a little better to know maybe my pregnant isn't broken totally afterall. Know that we don't know each other, but I have followed you, I'm not a blogger, but I pray that we both get the child we so desperately want. All my best wishes. Try to just let go. (easier said than done, I know). I thought maybe a comment from a blog stalker would make you smile a little.

Another Dreamer said...

Melissa: Exactly- I know that even if I write it out, I don't think I can give justice to how awful it was. They couldn't understand. (*hugs*)

WindDrop: I will have to look into that :) Thanks.

Kristin: Thanks (*hugs*)

Suzanne: Thank you for coming out of lurkedom to share your story with me. It means a lot (*hugs*) So sorry for what you've gone through, and what you're going through. I hope that things turn out for the better soon. Again, thank you.

MK said...

I just wanted to say that I get so hopeful for you at the start of every cycle. :) I'm always crossing my fingers for ya!
[I would like to be your official cheerleader ;)]

Another Dreamer said...

MK, lol. Thanks! You can totally be my official cheerleader ;) hehe