Still bummed, and not in the best mindset with everything going on.
I've had a few bitter rants these past few days.
A few might be an understatement.
Self pity is ugly on me.
I'm just still very upset with the unfairness of it all- I keep getting so angry, and there's the familiar sadness... although I feel a little more defeated than normal. Just... defeated. Like it's over, and I don't want it to be- but my god, I want it to be. And then I get angry about everything all over again.
Trying to write out how I'm feeling is pretty useless, because I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. I'm all over the place. I've been so busy this weekend that I haven't been still long enough to just process for the sake of processing.
After I get home from work, I'll have all week to process because I don't go back to work until next Sunday night/Monday morning.
It's going to be a long week.
We are planning on visiting the nephew this week or the next- and I don't know what that's going to do to me. I haven't held an actual baby in years... it leaves my arms aching, my heart heavy, that longing empty and raw. I'm usually fine while I'm holding the baby- it's always after, on the way home, that I lose it. It's in the quiet of the night when I remember that I've lost.
Don't get me wrong, I am fine most of the time. I just have my moments, and this week has been especially hard because of the new nephew. It just adds a new level to everything, a new rawness to what I'm going through. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but I have my moments. I'm processing my grief, I'm working through it. It's just really thick after so many years, and after we've been through so much. I'm having a hard time right now. It will be okay, I know, but right now... man, it hurts. And I hate feeling like this, being this bitter, this jaded... it's hard.