Monday, September 13, 2010

One more week-

One more week until we return for the follicle check- not holding much hope, but we'll see how that goes. I don't know why my body stopped responding to that dose, but I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything less. If my body can make something go wrong, it will. Perhaps it's because we're now six months out from the drilling, and the effects of it could be starting to wear off. Just speculation, of course. Even so, it could at least be contributing. Which makes me second guess taking a break after all- perhaps I should keep pushing until I stop responding at all, completely and utterly, again. I don't know.

Still bummed, and not in the best mindset with everything going on.

I've had a few bitter rants these past few days.
A few might be an understatement.

Self pity is ugly on me.

I'm just still very upset with the unfairness of it all- I keep getting so angry, and there's the familiar sadness... although I feel a little more defeated than normal. Just... defeated. Like it's over, and I don't want it to be- but my god, I want it to be. And then I get angry about everything all over again.

Trying to write out how I'm feeling is pretty useless, because I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. I'm all over the place. I've been so busy this weekend that I haven't been still long enough to just process for the sake of processing.

After I get home from work, I'll have all week to process because I don't go back to work until next Sunday night/Monday morning.

It's going to be a long week.

We are planning on visiting the nephew this week or the next- and I don't know what that's going to do to me. I haven't held an actual baby in years... it leaves my arms aching, my heart heavy, that longing empty and raw. I'm usually fine while I'm holding the baby- it's always after, on the way home, that I lose it. It's in the quiet of the night when I remember that I've lost.

Don't get me wrong, I am fine most of the time. I just have my moments, and this week has been especially hard because of the new nephew. It just adds a new level to everything, a new rawness to what I'm going through. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but I have my moments. I'm processing my grief, I'm working through it. It's just really thick after so many years, and after we've been through so much. I'm having a hard time right now. It will be okay, I know, but right now... man, it hurts. And I hate feeling like this, being this bitter, this jaded... it's hard.


janis said...

Big ((hugs)) to you. You have no need to apologize for your feelings, for what you have gone through, for who you are. You are one amazing woman, it's just that Life has been really tough on you. I really wish things were different.
Do you think you can postpone the nephew visit till you're at a better place? Yet, who knows, it may also be healing.
No matter what you decide, we're with you. Hang in there. xo said...

I agree with the above commenter. You're entitled to your grief and anger and to be able to vent to people who understand.

I haven't held my last three nephews.

I feel like a jerk about it sometimes but then again I know my sanity was much more important...Plus I didn't like those SIL's so meh...

Maybe you and your dh could plan something to do after you visit your nephew so that the blow isn't quite so searing? It will still come, but maybe do something to lessen it initially?


Hoping for a good follie check!! I took the 7.5 my last cycle and apparently ovulated on both sides. At my check on cd13 I have no idea how many follicles I had. All I know is that they were around 14.

Kristin said...

Lots and lots of {{{hugs}}} and prayers for peace of mind. You are right. It is so very hard to be bitter and jaded.

Words Like Swords said...

I just wanted to say that you have every right to feel exactly how you feel. It's NOT fair.. at all. I'm sorry that you're dealing with it at all. I'm hoping for some good news when you go back.