Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Thank you for all the kind comments I get on here. You are all amazing, and I truly value your support. I wish I had the words to express how much you all mean to me, but I can't find any adequate enough for the level of my love for you- people I have never met, and may never meet in real life, who have touched my life profoundly. I know I don't say it enough, but thank you.

With the dream I had the other day, I chose to reopen communications with my sister again. I had been in contact with her superficially since the incident- which I won't go back into and rehash... I am just hoping she can respect my beliefs and we don't have another showdown about this. I am still very much hurt by the things she said that day. In a nutshell, I'm the one that decided to close communications officially in March, until she could respect my beliefs the way I had respected hers my entire life. I was tired of one sided conversations that always ended the same way- in an argument.

But the truth is, our lines of communications had been down way before all that last incident. Years before. Since before she lost the baby. Our relationship started going South when she moved away, and then stayed far away. And I understand her moving away, I understand her staying away, with a childhood like we had who wouldn't... but it changed things for us. It didn't help that there's a 10 year age difference between us either.

But the loss of her baby, my niece, started a bigger rift than any of us expected. It wasn't because she was upset that we said all the wrong things, or because we didn't say anything at all, I think a lot of it just had to do with grief itself. Things deteriorated and we could only do so much. And by the time we realized what had happened... who am I kidding, most of the time, we still pretend that nothing happened.

But I reopened the lines of communication yesterday. I sent her a more in depth email than usual, and she called me today. It's a start. It was shaky, but it's a start.

We have a complicated relationship, with a complicated past- and I'm sure our future will be too. It's just a matter of figuring out where we stand and continuing to work on our differences and accepting each other.

My oldest brother's sister (we'll just call her my step-sister, even though she technically isn't... my family is complicated... maybe I'll tell you about it sometime? Ha, that would be a novel!) Anyway my step-sister had her first official meeting with the adoption agency today. So excited for her! They've tried 5 years and went through IVF, and now here they go! I hope their journey isn't much longer- she's going to make a great mother. I'm going to email her and grill her about it, especially since she's going through the agency we're looking at.

My husband's birthday was nice yesterday. It was quiet, calm, and I took the night off work. Oh my gosh, I needed it. So much drama in the shelter. I only work two days a week, but sometimes that's enough to drive me insane. The good thing about working there though is that most of the time I can just leave work at work, once I'm out the door I forget about it. Here lately it's been really hard to though, and that's what's been bothering me. So much drama, and I am just getting burnt out. Small wonder... I've been there 2 years this month.

Oh, but I got sidetracked... my husband's birthday! We spent a nice quiet night in, and I made him lasagna... mmm, lasagna. My diet has been crashed because of all the cake, but I am back on the bandwagon. Birthdays are always kind of hard, this one was harder than I anticipated. My husband was 21 when we started trying to conceive... he just turned 25. (*sigh*) It was a lovely night, really. Quiet, calm, relaxing... and while I enjoyed it, I also kept thinking in the back of my mind... how much more awesome would this be if our children were here with us?

Because, you know, grief and infertility can't ever just leave you alone. Nope.

Have we went to visit the new nephew yet? No.
We probably will next week.

On one hand I don't want the weekend to get here, because I have to work Sunday night/Monday morning. But on the other hand, I am anxious for my appointment on Monday. Well, it will get here when it gets here... I'm going to try and just relax until then.

Oh, I caved in and decided to chart my basal body temperature until my appointment. Yeah, I am so weak when it comes to willpower!

7 comments: said...

So glad to hear that you and your sister are talking!

I hope you get some good information from your brother's sister about the adoption agency!

Woot for your dh's birthday and cake!

Ha, IF never leaves...

I hope Monday shows two beautiful follicles!! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ali-paska said...

Infertility never leaves. Infertility is like our best friend. Always present in those moments when we feel so down we can barely breath, but also standing behind our back when we are living our magic moments of simple happiness. We can rely on her and she knows we won't forget her.
On your sister's note, family relationships are so complex, complicated and full of all kind of heavy baggage. I can speak for myself as I tried to have things right with my BIL but couldn't. And pains from unresolved family problems stay with us, it's not easy to shake them off. Good luck on making things better between you and your sister. It might be a long painful road, but definitely worth the effort.

WindDrop said...

I'm glad you are opening communication lines with your sister. You don't have to be BFFs but you are still family.
My SIL not only wrote off her two sisters, but her mother and father two. Now with e-mail and facebook she is slowly starting to reconnect.

I'm always happier when I bbt. The only time I hadn't in 1 1/2 years it drove me NUTS. I don't have to do OPKs, but bbt is a MUST!

FX with your follie check on Monday. Always keep in mind that you will be a mother, one way or another. Whoops, I rhymed!

Kristin said...

I am so very glad that so many good or potentially good things are happening for your family.

adsf said...

I do the same thing at each of our birthdays - "this would be so much less depressing if we had a kid or two...". Ugh.

Anyway, I think it'd be fun to meet actually! Jen (the other Columbus girl from SC) and I get together every now and then and it's great :). You should join us next time if you want!

Unknown said...

Now that I'm a follower - going through all your old posts. Glad the whole not talking to sister thing isn't just me...and I also have an older brother's sister I call a step-sister. How funny is THAT!