(*chirp-chirp*)

There isn't much going on these days- drama filled, yes. Anything I can't handle- no. Things have taken a step down, the atmosphere feels clearer. My sleep pattern is all out of whack still, and I'm a little incoherent and forgetful lately.

I finish the Clomid today, and then on with the infinite waiting to see what happens. Again, not holding my breath here- this is sort of a mini-break for us (a chance to Ov, but no monitoring or anything).

Someone asked about injectables last post- well, we use about $2,000 worth of injectables a cycle, because I'm even pretty resistant to them. Coupled with all other out of pocket costs, my high miscarriage rate... we aren't willing to throw that kinda of money down again. Our third injectable cycle resulted in a pregnancy, yes- but, it was the shortest lived one yet. And that was after $6,000 worth of meds on three cycles (not counting cost of blood work, or ultrasounds, trigger shot, progesterone, etc... first cycle the monitoring cost more than the medicine would have, the other two cycles were with another clinic and not as exuberant).

Now, I did get all my meds for free on those 3 cycles (donated, and through a drug company's program) but I can't get them free again. And knowing how I respond, and how many cycles it took... three cycles of injectables could be almost half the cost of adoption... but with adoption, we have more of a guarantee that we'll walk out with a living child. Whereas we paid all this, did all this, and even if pregnancy is achieved... there's no guarantee I would get a take home baby.

My doctor would love for me to do injectables again, she really wants us to consider it- but with my odds? I can't put that kind of money down again without a heavy heart. I'd just rather put the big money towards adoption at this point- I'm tired of waiting to be a mother. And while, yes, if it worked out it would totally be worth it- the other side of the coin is this- if it doesn't, we're out all that money and even further away from being able to afford to adopt.

That's one of the reasons we decided not to try IVF. If I had medical insurance coverage for infertility, I would jump on an injectable cycle or IVF. But since we don't and are saving the money ourselves, and calculating the cost of everything, it comes down to the ratio for potential success versus how much further off that will offset us from our end goals- becoming parents.

I don't know when trying to conceive became such a big math and accounting problem- but it did. Ha, another thing they didn't warn you about in s.ex-ed class- right? If you have $3,000 and it takes $16,000 for infant adoption versus your risk factor of 0/3 pregnancy success rate, coupled with the stubborn ovary factor; which is the better deal?

See, incoherent right here. Not very awake at all...

Given our current options, we have opted to stick with cheaper tries as we save money for adoption. Saving is going slllooowwww. But, after these medical bills are paid off and such, it should go much better. Right now, I have more faith in adoption. I don't have any faith in my reproductive organs- they're evil bitches.

At least, that's the conclusion I've come to.

So, still sticking with the current plans for now.

And for some reason I agreed to keep working the graveyard shift until, like, next year... uh, yeah. I'm very incoherent all the time, and exhausted. But I really can't complain- I check the security cameras, I listen for the crisis line, make sure that the residents in the shelter have what they need... and I spend most of the night doing whatever I want to (usually watching St.ar Tr.ek or other stuff online... like right now). I'm not really willing to give up such a leisurely position as of yet... I'll just keep looking until next year, and see what comes up in the meantime. I figure, I just spent 3 years trying to conceive and failing, the last 5 years pulling myself through college full-time while working 20-40 hours a week... I now only work two days a week, and other than appointments and cleaning the house- I am unencumbered. I deserve this break. I need this break. So while the hours are not ideal, I can not complain. It's what I need right now. And I am soaking it up.