Monday, August 16, 2010

Fumbling with peace-

I haven't been an emotional train wreck, but I haven't been the happiest person lately either.

I still haven't had any indication of ovulation, and it's cycle day 21 now. My lower abdomen near my ovaries hurt, so I don't know if I have a cyst or something else is going on. I've done 10 Clomid cycles and never had a cyst from it though, so who knows. I am debating about calling the doctor today or tomorrow- I'm honestly a bit bummed that I didn't respond. I get so sick of not making eggs. But it was not totally unexpected. I did know this was a possibility. I know I can try Femara again though, maybe in a few weeks. And maybe I'll respond to it again- I did respond to it two cycles in a row, which is more than I can say for Clomid.

But it's more time wasted. Which, again, I knew was a possibility... but it still makes me sad. Time just keeps flying by, or inching, depending on how I'm feeling about things. And it just feels like it's going to take all that much longer until I get to parent a child.

I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really dim sometimes that I wonder if it's off. But I know that in the next year we should be in a better place credit-wise to buy a house. I'm hoping to get a different or additional job to help save the money for adoption. And after that, we are tentatively planning on talking with the county children's services to see about taking the fostering classes to possibly pursue older child adoption or foster to adopt. And after that we eventually hope to possibly pursue domestic infant adoption. I just have to keep reminding myself, over and over, that we have a plan and it is attainable. We can do this.

I guess the real hard decision, for me, is when to say enough is enough. When do we willingly stop fertility treatments? As I respond to the pills, it makes me want to keep trying them. But at the same time, it costs money that we could be putting in the savings account. Doing treatments is one of the many reasons I haven't already been applying for a different job- right now my hours are flexible, I get the times I want off... I have no guarantees a new employer would allow that. But I don't ovulate without the medication- I don't even always ovulate on the medication.

It's such a hard decision. We decided to take a break over the winter, but I can't help but wonder if we should just push through and just stop trying after April altogether instead. April is our 4 year anniversary of trying to conceive, and it seems like a good place to throw in the towel. At the same time, I don't know if I entirely want to throw in the towel yet. I mean, I can better visualize adoption than pregnancy anymore (and I'm FAR more excited about adoption)- but some small part of me doesn't want to let go yet.

I just don't know what we're doing, or what we're going to do anymore. I am all over the place.

But I can tell you that at some point I got hopeful again- and that hurts.
My husband got hopeful again- and watching him lose hope again, is extremely painful.

I'm glad we have a plan for now, it helps put things into perspective. When I do that I feel peace for a moment knowing that we have a plan and things will happen- it will just take more time, is all. But then I have moments where everything seems impossible, the weight of over 3 and a half years of infertility combined with three failed pregnancies, is crushing. The life I want seems impossible, meanwhile the life I used to want is impossible. Meaning, the life I wanted, the easy pregnancy and simple life, is no longer attainable. But that's almost okay, because I don't want that anymore. The life I want, a mother with a family built with lots of love, weathered but not broken, wiser than I used to be, more patient- that is possible, it only seems impossible. Sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever be a mother. Then I try to remind myself that I will be, it will just take more time and effort. But I will be.

On a side note...
November makes a year since my last miscarriage... a year. It still seems surreal that I was pregnant twice last year. Twice. Two pregnancies. Two miscarriages. Bringing my total up to three. I can't believe how much time has passed, and is passing.


WiseGuy said...

This is so hard...and why are the milestones only of the bitter events yet.

Hoping for things to change for you.

Kristin said...

Hoping and praying you find peace with whatever decision you make. {{{Hugs}}}

Celia said...

Babe, you do not have to close the door, lock it and throw away the key. Why not take some time, focus on buying a house and then revisit the issue?

iamstacey said...

You've been so patient with the Clomid and Femara. Have you considered an injectable cycle? I tried both Femara and Clomid and never had success until Gonal F. I would definitely try that before giving up! Also, is IVF a possibility? It sounds like you don't need that, though. I bet the injectables would kick those ovaries into high gear! said...

I hope you can come to a decision that brings you some peace even if for a little while.

MrsSpock said...

So hard to decide when enough is enough.

Maybe you are just having a really late ovulation? I always had ovulation pain, and the one cycle I had a cyst I had no idea I had it- no pain at all.

Another Dreamer said...

Stacey: I have done 3 injectable cycles before, but I can not afford to keep doing them. I use over $2,000 in meds a cycle, and last time we did injects I had m/c number three... just not worth it for us. IVF is also out due to cost and my high m/c rate. We would rather put the money towards adoption at this point.

Celia: I feel like I need to move on at some point, I can't keep living torn between two places. I need to have some closure on this before pursuing adoption. And I need something to focus on, focusing on adoption and planning for it gives me a reason to keep going right now. I just can't keep putting myself through this, there is only so much of it I can take emotionally and physically. After we stop treatments, we may pursue them someday down the road- but not for a very long time.

Another Dreamer said...

Mrs. Spock: I have considered that, but my temperature didn't seem to go up so I don't think it is. I think my body is just playing with me, but I am going to see what tomorrows temperature says and go from there.

Cyn said...

there may still be a smidge of hope... i didnt ovulate until day 22 this month! good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I know what you mean about the job, it's hard to leave a flexible one. Sometimes there are more important things than money I guess.

Do you live ANYWHERE near the Phila area? There is a clinic doing a PCOS study, my friend just participated in it and get pregnant. It's comparing Letrazole versus Clomid.

Just a thought, it would be free. But if you are far that doesn't help. You could check out some research studies online though, there are even ones that cover IVF.

Staying on the plan is tough to do.

Another Dreamer said...

Glass Case of Emotion: Not to close, I'm out in Ohio. I have looked into studies, but there never seems to be any around here (and if they are, I usually don't seem to qualify). And agreed about the job- I mean mine's flexible, laid back, and I love it. I don't want to leave it, but I know I'll need to if I want to pursue adoption.