Thursday, August 20, 2009

Interrupted thoughts

I officially have a full blown stupid annoying cold.

I am not very coherent. And I don't think I can help that.

My researching is on hold until I feel better can form a coherent thought.

But, what I found out, and decided on, yesterday was reaffirming.

I still have to call the other clinics in my own state, but we did find a clinic in NJ that we may go with. It's out of state, but we'd only have to go there for the actual F.E.T. Everything else can be handled with labs here, and a local clinic. Sweet. And, the cost of everything isn't too bad. That is, if I qualify for their program.

Isn't that always the clincher?

Of course, if I don't, we can still sign up at a website like Miracles Waiting and we can find a suitable match there.

Of course, we have to save up the money first. So, while we're doing that we plan to see the new RE and see about either doing injectables with my leftover meds, or seeing if they'll let me try Femara while we wait.

I know that is sounds bad that I talk about cost on here so much. But this stuff isn't cheap, baby making was supposed to be the cheap-fast-easy part.

It's not.

And here's my ultimate logic, I do not want to pay so much on treatment and efforts that I go in major debt. I grew up in extreme poverty, I don't want my child to go without. If my insurance covered some of my fertility treatments, things would be different. But they cover absolutely nothing. Everything is coming out of our pockets.

Determining your limits by you wallet sounds harsh (and it's not our only deciding factor, but it's a large one), but consider what I've been through. When I was a child I went without a lot. Food Stamp day was heaven, we had so much food. Then, a week later the fridge was practically empty again. My mother and I had arguments over getting new shoes, she said I was reckless for ruining my $10 shoes. I argued it was normal wear and tear, and I couldn't help it if my big feet ripped holes in the toes or that the soles started wearing off. Full blown fights over buying me new shoes. I went without a winter coat more often than not.

I want a child, but I refuse to let them live like that.

I can't reason paying so much money on treatments that haven't worked, or may not work.

I've had two miscarriages with my own eggs and my husband's sperm. My repeat loss testing said that I was physically fine, I should be able to carry. But the facts are there before me, I have lost; I have lost. I can not risk to pay $11,000 for IVF to have another miscarriage. I can't reason paying $4,500 to either not ovulate, get my period a week too early, to not concieve, or have another miscarriage. Yes, there would be a chance at a viable pregnancy... but last time there wasn't even a shot in the dark.

You could say that fertility treatments have made me quite jaded.
In the last 2.5 years, my body has found nothing but new ways to fail me.

So, I feel bad for bringing up cost so much... but for me, the odds of dishing out all that money and actually getting a biolgocial child at the end of it all is not very promising anymore. A part of me used to believe it would happen, but that small part of me is dormant now.

For me, spending all this money almost feels like we're just going through the motions. We're not even trying, just puppets repeating a play.

I don't just feel jaded anymore; I am jaded.
My thoughts keep going back to my last miscarriage. It was so horrible, so painful, so agonizing. I am terrified at the thought of actually getting pregnant again. I want it so bad, but I swear to you... I will cry if I get a positive test. It won't be tears of joy, but rather tears of fear and memory.

I can't put into words what that last miscarriage did to me. It was the singular worst night of my entire life. Not just emotionally, but physically. Worse than waking up from sinus surgery with black eyes and my face swollen twice it's size, worse than every illness I might have had, worse than when I've had to get stitches, worse than anything.

I don't even have anything to compare it to. Nothing in my realm of experience even compares. My first miscarriage was bad, but it was nothing like this.

I will never forget passing the sac, so much bigger than I had imagined it would be. All the haphazard contractions. Six hours of intense pain.

Every pregnancy I've ever had has ended with one night of intense pain, and an excruciating feeling of loss.

Why should I have any hope that another pregnancy would end any differently?

I don't mean to be a downer, I'm sick and I'm rambling.
I should go lay down.


Bluebird said...

There were many nights I cried because our conversations about how to *have* children (not about how to *raise children, as most people have) were so tied up in fiances. It's not supposed to be like that. And, for me, looking at the checkbook and having to decide whether we could afford (or whether we wanted to afford) to do xyz was one of the biggest slaps in the face of all.

To some extent all IFers have these conversations and decisions - but not like those of us who are uninsured. It's different. And it totally and completely sucks.

Anyway, just a long, rambling way of saying, "I hear you," and "I'm sorry." And I hope you feel better soon :(

Anonymous said...

Money is something about infertility that, I think, should be talked about more. My husband and I are very concerned about the long-term outlay of money as well. It takes a lot of thought, and I am glad you are going through that process.

As for your loss...I am so sorry. It's scary when our bodies betray us.

I send you warm hugs!

Michelle said...

((HUGS)) I know exactly how you feel. IF is VERY EXPENSIVE and unless you are rich I do not know how you could not talk about it. Crap I have been on break now for what feels like forever because I can't afford to get anything done. I am 35 years old and it feels so UNFAIR that I might not have my dream of having a baby come true because I can't afford it. IT SUCKS!!!

I hope you feel better soon!

E said...

Hi, new to your blog. I just wanted to say ((hugs)), and I completely understand where you are coming from on the money issue. It sucks that we have to base decisions of how to try and get pregnant on how much the procedure costs.

I also understand about painful miscarriages. My first was agonizing. I was not expecting it. It took me days to expel the sac. My second miscarriage was through a D&C and a breeze.


Celia said...

I am totally open about the financial strain infertility has put on us. Just staying pregnant is costing three hundred dollars a month. While we have very good insurance, I took a 50% pay cut for a less stressful job three years ago. It was a small consolation to have the RE agree with me that my previous career was not compatible with baby making. So 60 grand minimum of sacrifice for a tiny pat on the back. Nobody ever remembers WHY I work in retail. My father hates that I gave up my career.

I have often felt like we were buying a baby. Without insurance my every ten days ultrasounds would be 1300 a pop.

I think you are making a good choice. Because the ultimate goal is parenthood, and not pregnancy.

My husband grew up in extreme poverty. There was never quite enough anything. He is very determined that our child never experience that. We have paid cash for everything. It has been hard, and some months very hard.

Cara said...

Your reasoning makes plenty of sense (no pun intended - seriously) because you know what you want.

I hope you are able to find a way that works for you now and later.


Kristin said...

Lots and lots of {{{Hugs}}}. This line..."I am terrified at the thought of actually getting pregnant again. I want it so bad, but I swear to you... I will cry if I get a positive test. It won't be tears of joy, but rather tears of fear and memory."...really resonated with me. I can still remember sitting with my first lovenox shot and sobbing. I wasn't sobbing because it hurt. I was sobbing because that shot represented the birth of hope and that shot opened the door to heartbreak.

Penny said...

Sorry about your cold.

The cost we put in to get our second (even our first) child continues to...well not exactly haunt, but...something. I continue to think about it, and wince at how much of our savings disappeared because my body didn't work right and I was a selfish bitch who wanted a kid(s), blah blah blah.

Cost is never trivial when it comes to kids, especially in this case. It doesn't make you a bad future parent or something at all.

Jessi Wallace said...

Oh dear. ((hugs)) This is just breaking my heart to pieces and making my cry. I'm sorry you have a summer cold; so many people I know are sick right now, it stinks! Your story of loss just aches my soul... I'm wondering if this is going to happen to me and it scares the living daylights out of me. I totally understand your fear of being pregnant again. I wish they had an answer as to WHY you lost the other two. It just kills me! I am hoping that for you, 3rd time's a charm and that everything goes perfect.

Anonymous said...

Cost is a huge factor in deciding how to proceed with infertility treatments or adoption. For a while there, when we were faced with IVF as the next step, I was considering trying dIUI because it was cheaper than IVF. It's so frustrating how cost makes a lot of decisions for people.

Whatever path you take, I know that getting pregnant again will be terrifying for you. I hope with all of my heart that your next pregnancy sticks and that as time goes on, you can heal some of those fears.