I am not very coherent. And I don't think I can help that.
My researching is on hold until I
But, what I found out, and decided on, yesterday was reaffirming.
I still have to call the other clinics in my own state, but we did find a clinic in NJ that we may go with. It's out of state, but we'd only have to go there for the actual F.E.T. Everything else can be handled with labs here, and a local clinic. Sweet. And, the cost of everything isn't too bad. That is, if I qualify for their program.
Isn't that always the clincher?
Of course, if I don't, we can still sign up at a website like Miracles Waiting and we can find a suitable match there.
Of course, we have to save up the money first. So, while we're doing that we plan to see the new RE and see about either doing injectables with my leftover meds, or seeing if they'll let me try Femara while we wait.
I know that is sounds bad that I talk about cost on here so much. But this stuff isn't cheap, baby making was supposed to be the cheap-fast-easy part.
And here's my ultimate logic, I do not want to pay so much on treatment and efforts that I go in major debt. I grew up in extreme poverty, I don't want my child to go without. If my insurance covered some of my fertility treatments, things would be different. But they cover absolutely nothing. Everything is coming out of our pockets.
Determining your limits by you wallet sounds harsh (and it's not our only deciding factor, but it's a large one), but consider what I've been through. When I was a child I went without a lot. Food Stamp day was heaven, we had so much food. Then, a week later the fridge was practically empty again. My mother and I had arguments over getting new shoes, she said I was reckless for ruining my $10 shoes. I argued it was normal wear and tear, and I couldn't help it if my big feet ripped holes in the toes or that the soles started wearing off. Full blown fights over buying me new shoes. I went without a winter coat more often than not.
I want a child, but I refuse to let them live like that.
I can't reason paying so much money on treatments that haven't worked, or may not work.
I've had two miscarriages with my own eggs and my husband's sperm. My repeat loss testing said that I was physically fine, I should be able to carry. But the facts are there before me, I have lost; I have lost. I can not risk to pay $11,000 for IVF to have another miscarriage. I can't reason paying $4,500 to either not ovulate, get my period a week too early, to not concieve, or have another miscarriage. Yes, there would be a chance at a viable pregnancy... but last time there wasn't even a shot in the dark.
You could say that fertility treatments have made me quite jaded.
In the last 2.5 years, my body has found nothing but new ways to fail me.
So, I feel bad for bringing up cost so much... but for me, the odds of dishing out all that money and actually getting a biolgocial child at the end of it all is not very promising anymore. A part of me used to believe it would happen, but that small part of me is dormant now.
For me, spending all this money almost feels like we're just going through the motions. We're not even trying, just puppets repeating a play.
I don't just feel jaded anymore; I am jaded.
My thoughts keep going back to my last miscarriage. It was so horrible, so painful, so agonizing. I am terrified at the thought of actually getting pregnant again. I want it so bad, but I swear to you... I will cry if I get a positive test. It won't be tears of joy, but rather tears of fear and memory.
I can't put into words what that last miscarriage did to me. It was the singular worst night of my entire life. Not just emotionally, but physically. Worse than waking up from sinus surgery with black eyes and my face swollen twice it's size, worse than every illness I might have had, worse than when I've had to get stitches, worse than anything.
I don't even have anything to compare it to. Nothing in my realm of experience even compares. My first miscarriage was bad, but it was nothing like this.
I will never forget passing the sac, so much bigger than I had imagined it would be. All the haphazard contractions. Six hours of intense pain.
Every pregnancy I've ever had has ended with one night of intense pain, and an excruciating feeling of loss.
Why should I have any hope that another pregnancy would end any differently?
I don't mean to be a downer, I'm sick and I'm rambling.
I should go lay down.