Tuesday, August 4, 2009

In a Funk

I'm in a horrible funk lately.

I think, and it always comes back to this, it's because I don't ovulate.

Being a twenty-four year old who doesn't ovulate, who stopped ovulating before I was even twenty-one, well... it's kinda depressing. I feel like I've already stumbled on menopause and I'm past my prime. I put off going to get my progesterone filled, and I put it off, hoping that maybe my stupid body can figure this all out... but it doesn't, ever. So, finally on cycle day twenty-eight, I finally went and got it filled already. I filled a few days ago, with six lovely refills on stand-by. And you know I'll need them, because my body is stupid, stupid, stupid.

And of course we have to get the "safe" kind of natural progesterone, just in case I do ovulate and don't realize it (Which, in 12 months of charting has never happened, by the way. I always know if I have ovulated or not. But what do I know of my own body, right?) And for some reason this type of progesterone is more expensive than birth control pills... what's up with that?

You know, sometimes I feel like I might as well be on birth control pills. I wouldn't ovulate either way. At least with birth control, well if I take it for four to five cycles and stop, sometimes I get a freaky post-birth control ovulation. That's how I got pregnant the first time; a freaky post-birth control cycle, in which I managed to ovulate on cycle day forty-four. But no, I keep taking the progesterone because I don't want to prevent... although my body is preventing me anyway.

Such a funk. Not trying, and my body is preventing. So I am really, just not trying even though that is not by choice.

I suppose it has given me time to relax and just exist without focusing so much on my temperature and pills and injections and doctor's appointments. Even though trying to concieve is still on my mind, it isn't quite as much right now because I know, I know, that there is nothing I can do to try right now. It's all out of my hands, completely and utterly.

I've been trying to fill the time with leisure reading, video games, movies, mild house renovation (I need to finish painting the hallway, and I need to install a new ceiling fan... I'll get around to it eventually, I swear.) But to the core of all this, I am still thinking quite often about trying to concieve, and how I can't do anything right now. So I focus on how it's out of my hands, and if it wasn't for the miracle of modern science it would remain out of my hands forever. I mean, not that long ago women in my situation wouldn't have been able to do anything at all other than leave it up to faith and go about their lives.

Yet I feel like I am back then, right now, because I can't do anything about it. The insurance company won't cover anything, they even gave me crap when I called to see what repeat loss testing was covered under our policy. While we can put back a decent amount of money each month, more than enough to cover a child, we can't put back enough to cover treatments.

Yes, we can eventually, but it takes so long. Especially given how much medicine I will have to use this time around. If I had paid for my medication last injectable cycle, I would have paid a total of $4,000. It would take us four months to save that up comfortably. And that disgusts me that we can be so well off, to be able to put that kind of money back a month, so much more than my family and friends, and yet we can't afford to get pregnant. To be able to afford a baby, but not to get pregnant, it's ridiculous.

Like I said, funk.

This quarter of school is coming to a close, two more weeks. Then I have a month off. Then, back at it for the final act before graduation. Then, the curtains will close on that chapter of my life forever.

I'm ready to graduate, but I also fear it. I've spent my last five years at that campus, it's become so important to who I am. I know most of the faculty by name, some out of affection others out of displeasure, and all the English faculty know me by name. I'm gonna miss them, but I'm very happy that I'll never have to write an essay for them again. The essay's are easy now, effortless, but I still dread them with a passion. They're tedious, and since I learned all the little tricks to appease each professor they haven't been very educational; I just write something shocking for S-, something original and outlandish for B-, something with a unique spin for Sa-, and just B.S. through everything for N-.

I think I've been at this school for too long. I'm more advanced than many of my classmates now, and this causes it's own unique challenges for me these days. Part of it is the freshman, fresh out of high school, and so immature. Even when I was a freshman I wasn't that ridiculous, but I also lived a very different life than them. I didn't want to, part of me wanted to be some carefree child whose mother and father took care of everything for, from a car to tuition and everything in between... but then I wouldn't be me. It was the trials that got me here that made me who I am. It's what made me stronger, resilient, and able to tackle real life. But then again, it's also made me bitter, depressed, and afraid of living.

But that's neither here, nor there.

Bottom line, I am in a horrible funk. My life is transitioning without me, and I am watching it fly by. In December I get to attend my commensment ceremony, a figure in black amidst a mass of figures in black. And hopefully, after that, we will be able to go forth with one last cycle. Our last hope and attempt at a biological child. While we might try later on in our lives, this is the last try for a very long time. My life next year is something I can't even make any predictions about, because Decemeber is going to be a climax; a giant hill, and I can't see over it to what's beyond. A career, a baby, a new home, adoption... or unemployment, no baby, same home, still no baby... who knows.

Only time will tell.

13 comments:

WiseGuy said...

Hey there AD, gentle hugs.

I think you are really at a cross spot. If BCPs get you to ovulate, why not speak to the doc about it? three months, break, three months, break and so on. Of course, this must be my stupid simple mind talking.

Graduation time! It is a big change....Have you decided what kind of job you are looking for after this? You have to occupy your mind somewhere, make it easy for yourself in the transition.

Hugs.

Celia said...

Sometimes you just have to roll with the funk. Sometimes the damn funk rolls over you. Try and use this time to gather strength for whatever lies ahead.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry everything has conspired to bring on such a horrible funk. {{{Hugs}}}

Flying Monkeys said...

Funks suck, I hope you can find a way out of yours soon. Even when you see over the hill, you can't see that the road veers off course for awhile. Good luck on your journey, new chapters can better than the previous ones.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm sorry about the long cycle. I never would ovulate on my own without meds either. It was so frustrating and depressing to not do something that seemingly every other women in the world could do regularly.

This is probably not a responsible idea, but have you thought about getting some letrozole on your own and trying a cycle or two of that unmonitored while you wait? I can't believe I'm suggesting that, but several women in my pcos buddy group got letrozole that way and are pregnant and now close to delivering. I know your RE doesn't believe in it, but it has worked for so many pcos women, myself included. Or perhaps scoping out a different/new OB who you could take some research articles in to and persuade them to sign the free voucher? I think my regular OB would have eventually prescribed it if I had really pushed. I love doing research, so if you want links to positive journal articles about letrozole, let me know and I'll pull something together.

I also like your idea of the trying the birth control pill again for a cycle or two, then going off it to see if you get a natural ovulation.

Waiting and doing nothing is so hard. I don't mean to be pushing you back toward treatments if you are resigned to just wait it out, but it just sounds like you are miserable.

It is so hard to be in the middle of a huge transition, like graduating from college, and not know what lies ahead of you. Combine that with infertility and multiple losses, and you've got very valid reasons to be in a funk.

The only thing I can tell you is that eight years ago, I was finishing up my degree and terrified of the future. I've had a wild, twisty path from that point, and I could never have imagined that I would be where I am now, but I'm in a pretty great place overall. Those first few months after graduation were a strange place to be though.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm sorry about the long cycle. I never would ovulate on my own without meds either. It was so frustrating and depressing to not do something that seemingly every other women in the world could do regularly.

This is probably not a responsible idea, but have you thought about getting some letrozole on your own and trying a cycle or two of that unmonitored while you wait? I can't believe I'm suggesting that, but several women in my pcos buddy group got letrozole that way and are pregnant and now close to delivering. I know your RE doesn't believe in it, but it has worked for so many pcos women, myself included. Or perhaps scoping out a different/new OB who you could take some research articles in to and persuade them to sign the free voucher? I think my regular OB would have eventually prescribed it if I had really pushed. I love doing research, so if you want links to positive journal articles about letrozole, let me know and I'll pull something together.

I also like your idea of the trying the birth control pill again for a cycle or two, then going off it to see if you get a natural ovulation.

Waiting and doing nothing is so hard. I don't mean to be pushing you back toward treatments if you are resigned to just wait it out, but it just sounds like you are miserable.

It is so hard to be in the middle of a huge transition, like graduating from college, and not know what lies ahead of you. Combine that with infertility and multiple losses, and you've got very valid reasons to be in a funk.

The only thing I can tell you is that eight years ago, I was finishing up my degree and terrified of the future. I've had a wild, twisty path from that point, and I could never have imagined that I would be where I am now, but I'm in a pretty great place overall. Those first few months after graduation were a strange place to be though.

Jessi Wallace said...

OH I am so sorry... ugh. Maybe you should try the birth control experiment again. I know that for me, when I went off the pill, I had normal/perfect cycles for 6 whole months before my body decided to hate me. And of course, we weren't trying during that 6 months, we were actually preventing with other methods. If I only knew that I'd be in this situation now, I wouldn't havce minded an "oops" baby. *sigh* I hope it gets better/easier for you. Someone I know on SC actually got her BFP on CD 109!! She just quite trying and finally ovulated around CD 92... weird, I know, and she happened to catch it. THAT gives me hope... I hope it does for you, too.

'Murgdan' said...

I hate funks. And I hate that only time will tell. Hope things take a better turn soon....

Penny said...

Sorry hon. No wise words or anything, I can never think of anything to say in this situation. I never can think of anything said to me that made me feel better when I am in this situation.

iamstacey said...

I hope it turns around for you - not soon, but NOW! Sounds like you're doing all the right things - setting goals and reaching them, staying busy at home. The waiting sucks.

The Unproductive One said...

Hey!

I've just nominated you for an award, go check it out!

http://unproductivelyso.blogspot.com/2009/08/awards.html

Rach
xxxx

Shelby said...

"Only time will tell."

I think the unknown is the worst part of IF. We have no idea what is on the other side, whether it is a biological child within the next 10 months or we must wait years before the opportunity to adopt. It's maddening. And worse yet- watching the years pass and answer some of those questions in a way we had not hoped. I hope you're out of your funk soon.

WiseGuy said...

Can I cheer you a bit?

http://ovulationticker.blogspot.com/2009/08/award.html