Saturday, October 11, 2008

Show and tell

So for this Show and Tell, I thought I'd share with you my collection. Not a collection of things I like, or things I wanted to have, no knick knacks here... just my life. It's strange that now my life can easily fit into snapshots. How they easily fit tucked away into the corners of my desk, my filing cabinet, my box of the past. Without further rambling, I present to you the last five months of my life.

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And may I present to you what's left of my first, and only pregnancy.
Meet Sebastian.


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A doctor's notes, an ultrasound of an empty womb, a nurse's comments, results from blood work, photos of a positive pregnancy test, and my BBT chart.

This is all I have. Yet it hurts so much more than anything I've ever went through. Something so simple, yet so very vast.

And since the miscarriage I've went through pill bottle after pill bottle, trying to get my ovaries to work. Month, after month, after month, after month.

And yet, I wonder if maybe... just maybe... the road may be coming to an end. This cycle, higher dose, monitoring, (Dare I say it? A trigger shot!), I'm feeling good about this cycle. I know, it might not happen... and there's always next month... but it would be nice is it was this month. On November 4, it will have been 6 months since my miscarriage.

If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due the week of A and I's anniversary (Our 6 years of being together, 3 since being married.) It would be nice if it panned out that way. We became a couple on July 12, we got engaged on a July 12, and we got married on... you guessed it, a July 12. It's our very, very, special day. I don't know why I am focusing on that, but I am. This is the first time in 5 months that I have had any hope.

Foolish, I know. But it's nice to have a little hope for once. I haven't had any of that in one and a half years. Let me set myself up for heart break. My heart's already broken, what harm can it do?

(I kept all the bottles, I figured I can use them as art somewhere along the way. And I have plenty ideas on how to utilize them. And will be doing so. Art is so cathartic.)

14 comments:

Lollipop Goldstein said...

The art is heartbreaking. But I do hope this is your cycle too.

Arian said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that holds on to my empty bottles. I feel like they mark my journey. I keep mine tucked away out of anyone's sight (even Hubby). I just can't toss them. Maybe art is a new way to go...

Kristin said...

Isn't it funny the things we hold onto while we travel this path? I hope this is the cycle for you!

Lorraine said...

Is there such a thing as poetic justice in this sphere?

Here's hoping for July 12th...

WiseGuy said...

Indeed heart-wrenching...and what is left is just memories of ow it could have been. All the best for the upcoming cycle...Take good care of yourself...

Vee said...

I am hoping for you too!

Murgdan said...

I hope this is it for you...and you did find an incredible way to use those empty bottles.

Portraits In Sepia said...

We still have all our used syringes, which we really should get rid of before our assessor comes. I just thought of that. Ocassionally I will come across one and sigh.
Best wishes for you.

Cara said...

Cathartic actions really do become part of our lives, don't they.

The bottle art really is a HUGE statement.

Hoping with you!!!

Smiling said...

I too hope this is your cycle!

Penny said...

Okay, so the bottles were kind of a riot and I was all set to laugh until the showing of the envelope, which just made me cry. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope those bottles of pills do their thing soon for you.

Michelle said...

That breaks my heart! I hope it works out for you soon!

battynurse said...

I hope this is your cycle. Interesting uses for all the old bottles. I don't think I could have come up with something that creative.

Brenda said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who keeps my old bottles. I have a mountain of them in a sack in a closet. Along with all the notes from my failed cycles. All the paperwork stacked neatly together and stapled. I guess if I can't have control over my fertility, I darn sure will over my infertility paperwork! :)

I wish you all the best with your upcoming cycle.