So for this Show and Tell, I thought I'd share with you my collection. Not a collection of things I like, or things I wanted to have, no knick knacks here... just my life. It's strange that now my life can easily fit into snapshots. How they easily fit tucked away into the corners of my desk, my filing cabinet, my box of the past. Without further rambling, I present to you the last five months of my life.
A doctor's notes, an ultrasound of an empty womb, a nurse's comments, results from blood work, photos of a positive pregnancy test, and my BBT chart.
This is all I have. Yet it hurts so much more than anything I've ever went through. Something so simple, yet so very vast.
And since the miscarriage I've went through pill bottle after pill bottle, trying to get my ovaries to work. Month, after month, after month, after month.
And yet, I wonder if maybe... just maybe... the road may be coming to an end. This cycle, higher dose, monitoring, (Dare I say it? A trigger shot!), I'm feeling good about this cycle. I know, it might not happen... and there's always next month... but it would be nice is it was this month. On November 4, it will have been 6 months since my miscarriage.
If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due the week of A and I's anniversary (Our 6 years of being together, 3 since being married.) It would be nice if it panned out that way. We became a couple on July 12, we got engaged on a July 12, and we got married on... you guessed it, a July 12. It's our very, very, special day. I don't know why I am focusing on that, but I am. This is the first time in 5 months that I have had any hope.
Foolish, I know. But it's nice to have a little hope for once. I haven't had any of that in one and a half years. Let me set myself up for heart break. My heart's already broken, what harm can it do?
(I kept all the bottles, I figured I can use them as art somewhere along the way. And I have plenty ideas on how to utilize them. And will be doing so. Art is so cathartic.)