Aggression can be good

I aggressively called the insurance company back.

I told them I was going to get a clear answer this time, because A- called yesterday and they didn't give him one about the HSG. This time they said that they would definitely cover it, I'll have a co-pay, but they'll cover some of it.

And they'll cover my antiphospholipid b/w.

I had it out with the girl about my liver function test too, because they didn't cover it for some reason. Turns out it has to be pre-approved, my doc has to send them a letter and then the insurance company has to review it before they'll approve to pay for it. Ungh. I wish I would have thought about calling them before I got the test done! I'm still so new to the world of having health insurance.

Frustrating. I'm still going to wait for next month for the monitoring, money is still going to be tight this month. But hopefully next month we will be good to go with the Clomid.

At an impasse

I'm thinking about sitting this cycle out. I don't know. I really want u/s monitoring, but I really don't have the money to do that this cycle. So, if I do the Clomid I won't be able to do any monitoring...

I need to go get my b/w to test for Antiphospholipid Syndrome, and my co-pay for the HSG, and I have to get my liver tested again on the 3rd... so that is going to suck up a lot of money.

I'm so confused on what to do.

I want to take the Clomid, but I can't get monitoring... A- and I are going to talk it over once he gets home. Should I sit this out, or do Clomid without monitoring? I just do not know what to do. I don't want to be broke this month, and we will if we go ahead with everything. But I have to get the b/w done, and I should probably go ahead with the HSG too. (My insurance doesn't cover anything involving infertility, except diagnosis... stupid insurance.)

Ahhh, I just don't know.

What to do, what to do...

Where'd they go?

He took a look, "Looks like the lining got thicker. That's a good sign!"

He maneuvers it to the right... "Nothing over here."

He maneuvers it to the left... "Nothing over here either."

A silent unspoken, "Damn." echoes in my mind.

I was given two options.
He surprised me.

Originally he told me he only went as high as 150mg with Clomid, but he said we could try 200mg.

The second option. Injectables. Which means I'd have to take a break, save money.

I jumped on the chance to up the Clomid once more. I don't want to take a break just yet. After this though... we'll call it quits for a few months. Save money. Start again.

I'm so... blah... right now.

I was so hopeful.

I think the only reason I responded before was because of the Metformin.
I honestly do.

Stupid liver.
Stupid ovaries.
stupid me.

(the photo is from a class I took, I had to document something. I chose hands. This is my little brothers hand, with a wooden sword I had given him for x-mas... which he broke.)

Damn it

I have stupid ovaries.

So, it's CD14. Clomid 150mg, CD3-7. Sounds like a winner?

Wrong.

I have two follicles on the left... 6mm and 7mm.
I have two follicles on the right.. 7mm and 8mm.

Fuck.

I do not think this is the cycle after all.
I go back in Friday to see if they're grown any.

Fuck.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

If this doesn't work I'll have to take a break to save up money.

Why the hell does an u/s appt. cost $360 anyways?
It took a whole fucking 5 minutes, and we got to see my right ovary and sorta the left (It was elusive. He could barely find it.)

I want to go back to bed.
I hate my body. It's so stupid.

Edited to add: It can make a pretty lining though, a nice solid 10mm. Go you Ms. Uterus.

Show and Tell

I know, I know. I just posted something like three hours ago. But I felt like participating in show and tell, so you get a double post tonight! Although technically it's the next day now, because it's after midnight... but let's not argue semantics, shall we? On with the showing and the telling! Want to know more? Check this out.

Okay, so keeping with the theme of the Holidays, from the previous post... I wanted to share the ornament I bought this season.

It says, "Every life leaves something beautiful behind."

Here's the official hallmark picture of it, since mine is a tad blurry. (My camera and I were having issues.)

Someone in one of my groups bought it for her loss this year, and I really clicked with it. I felt compelled to it, it was perfect for my Sebastian. So, I went out and got one.

Now, I thought it was really befitting for obvious reasons. But now I'll go into further reasons. In my family some of our ornaments are special. My mother bought one for each of her living children, little angels sleeping on a crescent moon, we each have our own, with our names on them. When my sister's baby was stillborn my mother bought a gold ornament and got Amariah's name inscribed on it, and the year she was lost. Last Christmas my grandmother made me go to her tree and pick an ornament, something to remember her by. I did, begrudgingly. I always hate it when grandparents tell you to take things with you to remember them by, while they're still alive. Well, my grandmother died a few months later. I have an ornament her parents brought to America from Germany.

Every year I loved opening the X-mas boxes, and carefully unwrapping each ornament, and remembering each moment. Carefully placing them on the tree for safety from the cats, and for proper viewing.

Ornaments are really our only solid family tradition.

And I plan on keeping it. So, this ornament falls into the folds. It's perfect for remembering Sebastian. I was planning on buying him one, and there it was. The one, the perfect one. There are so many ornaments to commemorate a new life, and so few to commemorate a loss.

And even though I am not decorating this year, I am going to put this ornament up.

Okay, and now something not so serious.

How many cats can fit on my lap? One, so the runoff settles for curling up next to my legs. Cute, huh? Yes, there are 4 here; Ishida, Gary, Pumpkin, and Devo. Silly kitties.
I feel very loved. And just so you know, a pile of cats gets warm fast. Very fast.

And the word of this season is...

Self Preservation.

This Holiday season is going to be the worst one yet. I just want to survive it, I'm not even going to be so naive as to want to enjoy it. All I want is to make it through the New Year in one piece.
The closer January 3rd gets (my would be due date,) the more I want to hike up my skirts and run in the opposite direction. The closer each Holiday gets I want to flee that much farther. My belly should be swollen, even now. I should be obviously pregnant, I should be huge this Christmas. Instead, I still wear that empty damning womb. My ovaries are still limp, useless, ornaments. My life is still very much incomplete.
I should be giving birth late December, or early January, instead I will be going back to classes. My birthday will be on January 30th, and it will pass unacknowledged. I will be 24. I started trying to have a child when I was 22, with the goal of having a child sometime while I was 23. I guess, in a way, I have one. He's just not here with me.
The days seem to be dragging out. The days seem long, languid, lifeless. Yet they keep passing me by. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, May, June, July, August, September. Each day I hold my feet back, I try to grow roots into yesterday, I try to ground myself. I try to resist time itself, but the days keep dragging me on. I keep getting closer, and closer, to those days that should hold happiness for me.
This Christmas not only will I not be bursting with child, I will also not be seeing my grandparents. All of them are gone now. With my grandmother's passing in May (two weeks after my baby), it signaled the end of that era. I will never again visit my grandmother for Christmas, unless I venture out into the day and visit her grave. All of their graves.
This season seems so bittersweet.
So...
I'm checking out this Holiday season. I'm throwing in the towel. I won't be decorating the house this year, I won't be going to the in-laws homes (where insensitive comments, and snide criticisms await) I decided that self preservation is the only way to go this season.
However, as I have a weak disposition, giving in easily for the good of everyone else and never for myself (stupid me for being the martyr type.)... I had to make a solid excuse, something even I couldn't weasel out of. How did I do that? I volunteered to work this Thanksgiving. Who would argue with that? I'm working at a domestic violence shelter, someone has to be there 24/7... why not me? I will get paid double time as well. So, I'll be there for the residents, I'll be getting paid double, I will be self preserving myself... It seems like the perfect plan. Perhaps it may seem extreme, but I really don't think I could hold it together this season.
November, it was a year ago, I got my confirmation of anovulation. I started down the slope of infertility. This November I should be that much closer to a resolution, but I'm not. I'm not even close. And everyday I still think about what I've lost.
This pain, most family are oblivious to it. Some know about the infertility, some don't... but all know about the miscarriage. And no one seems to care. And that's fine, they didn't go through it, they're not still going through it. I don't want pity, but damn it, is understanding so much to ask for?
I just can't take it this season, I feel so raw. Rug burns on my heart, open burn wounds on my soul. I can't let my baby go, and I can't seem to beat infertility. It's a double whammy. My baby is gone, and I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to be a mother again. I keep wondering, what if that baby, my Sebastian... what if he was my only chance?
______________

I go in Monday for my ultrasound to check for follicles.

I'm not feeling it.

My ovaries hurt for a week before ovulation last time. I can't even feel them now, let alone feel them hurting. It's a bit disheartening. But we'll see, I'll know for sure this time. I can take comfort in that, being removed from all the guesswork this cycle. But still, I'm scared. What if this doesn't work? What if Clomid is a dud, even at 150mg? I'll have to take a break to save up for injectables, I don't want to stop treatments. Not yet, not now.

Fingers crossed for my ultrasound on Monday.

This is for the past.

And this is for the future.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.

It's almost October 15th. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I want to promote supporting the H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. I wish that there could be some answers, I wish there'd be some recognition.

Tomorrow I am lighting a candle for all the lost ones. Will you join me?

I will be remembering my sister's daughter Amariah, stillborn at 42 weeks.

I will be remembering my aunt Sandy. My grandmother lost her to stillbirth.

I will be remembering my would have been siblings, one who passed away to miscarriage, another as an abortion.

I will be remembering my aunt's child that she lost to still birth many, many, years ago.

I will be remembering my friend's 5 lost children, all miscarried far to soon.

I will be remembering my loss, my Sebastian. Who was so long in the making, and so short in staying with me. He barely touched my life, but he touched it in an irrevocable way.

I will be remembering all my online friends lost ones, I will be thinking of all of us. Our pain, our loss, our quiet suffering. Our beautiful children.

Please remember with me.

Show and tell

So for this Show and Tell, I thought I'd share with you my collection. Not a collection of things I like, or things I wanted to have, no knick knacks here... just my life. It's strange that now my life can easily fit into snapshots. How they easily fit tucked away into the corners of my desk, my filing cabinet, my box of the past. Without further rambling, I present to you the last five months of my life.

And may I present to you what's left of my first, and only pregnancy.
Meet Sebastian.

A doctor's notes, an ultrasound of an empty womb, a nurse's comments, results from blood work, photos of a positive pregnancy test, and my BBT chart.

This is all I have. Yet it hurts so much more than anything I've ever went through. Something so simple, yet so very vast.

And since the miscarriage I've went through pill bottle after pill bottle, trying to get my ovaries to work. Month, after month, after month, after month.

And yet, I wonder if maybe... just maybe... the road may be coming to an end. This cycle, higher dose, monitoring, (Dare I say it? A trigger shot!), I'm feeling good about this cycle. I know, it might not happen... and there's always next month... but it would be nice is it was this month. On November 4, it will have been 6 months since my miscarriage.

If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due the week of A and I's anniversary (Our 6 years of being together, 3 since being married.) It would be nice if it panned out that way. We became a couple on July 12, we got engaged on a July 12, and we got married on... you guessed it, a July 12. It's our very, very, special day. I don't know why I am focusing on that, but I am. This is the first time in 5 months that I have had any hope.

Foolish, I know. But it's nice to have a little hope for once. I haven't had any of that in one and a half years. Let me set myself up for heart break. My heart's already broken, what harm can it do?

(I kept all the bottles, I figured I can use them as art somewhere along the way. And I have plenty ideas on how to utilize them. And will be doing so. Art is so cathartic.)

Eyes stinging nettles

Even before leaving the house this morning my eyes burned with a fire. I was crying last night, because I haven't let myself cry all week. Everytime the tears attempted to brim over, I would fight them back. I'd tell myself, "No. Not now." I'd say, "You're being silly." I would muster the gumption to stop them in their tracks. Tears over little things; like commercials and random errant thoughts. Tears over bigger things; like the upcoming holidays and my barren womb. Like how it's almost been 6 months since I lost my first and only pregnancy. Like how I have only ovulated once since then.

This morning I received a text message, and I almsot broke down on my way out the door for work. My eyes are stinging nettles. It was a simple text message, one that last year would have been all smiles and gushing. Now, there's that happiness in there, but there's also that pity for self. It said simply, "T is having the baby today! I will keep you posted."

I'm so glad she's having the baby today. She was due 6 days ago, so it's about time. I knew it was coming. And I'm happy for her, I really am. But it hurts. It hurts so badly. And as I drove to work it wasn't just the glaring morning sun that blinded me, but also my burning eyes. My eyes, the stinging nettles.

This evening, when I leave work, I will go to my quiet time. My time. Sebastian's time. The hours between my time being owned by my job, and being owed to my husband. The twilight of my life is not when the sun is setting to welcome in the darkness, but rather when I am settling into my couch and allowing myself to feel. It is me letting myself mourn Sebastian, letting myself mourn my lost fertility, mourn the future I didn't realize would be so damn hard to have.

I will go home today, I will shut my eyes, I will stare at nothing, and I will cry. And then, I will pick myself up and make myself go about my day. I will steel myself up to do the dishes, I will heave myself int0 sweeping and vacuuming the floors, I will make myself clean the birdcages, and I will somehow manage to read my text messages even if they make me cry. And then I will pick up my husband, and we will go about our day. As if this is normal, this pain that circumvents all other emotions, this ache deep in my chest. Perfectly normal now, though almost a year ago I wasn't sure how I would survive this whole. And yet here I am, I don't know about whole, but here I am. And this pain is the new normal. And I can live with that, for now. But not forever.

Anyone else?

Anyone else find those damn Volkswagen commercials annoying? You know, the ones that go on about how people are having babies for the new Volkswagens, instead of for love?

I hate those commercials.

And they HAVE to throw in there that with the advance in fertility drugs it's easier and easier... excuse me? How dare you try to say infertility treatments are easy, or for everyone, or whatever. It just really peeves me that they would dare throw that shit in...

Sorry, ranting.

Here's the plan

Okay, I am taking the 150mg CD3-7... good.

Then on CD14 we are doing an ultrasound to see what's going on.

If things are good, trigger shot then and there. If not, I will trigger at a later date.

Originally we were just going to do the 150mg with progesterone monitoring. I was a little upset and said to the nurse..." So, we're not adding monitoring this time? Are we going to do it next time?" And she said, "Did you want it this time?" I've never had a doctor or nurse ask me what *I* wanted to do for a cycle, and meant it seriously. I was shocked, and jumped on the opportunity. I said I would like that, and she said, "That's fine. We can do that." Yay. Someone taking me seriously. So I have an appt. on the 20th for an ultrasound to check things out.

For the first time, in a long time, I have hope.
I'm starting to think that this might just be the month.

Bitter

I had an unwelcome visitor this morning. At least I knew it was coming.

Onto round 4 of Clomid. Not sure if we're doing monitoring or not yet. Waiting to hear back from the doctor's office.

I'm sooooo getting ice cream tonight.

Maybe it's the Clomid

Oh my. I know, woman say it all the time on the forums...

Clomid's emotional havoc doubles in the infamous two week wait. I didn't believe it. My doctors, the medications insert, the web, all said that the side effects were limited to when you are actually taking the Clomid.

So why am I crying at the drop of a hat? Maybe it's the Clomid.

The again, maybe it's not. Maybe it's the cold that I, yes, still have. I am on day 11 of it folks... at least it's now confined to JUST congestion. Thanks ye gods for that.

I don't know. But think I'm just going to go to bed now, while I'm not crying. Cause if I stay up, I am going to bawl. And besides, I am sooo sleepy. I worked the gravyard shift last night, ruined my sleep pattern, and am ready to clonk out again in a sad effort by my body to fix said sleeping pattern.

Toodles.

Good bye Met

I was told to stop the Metformin and get my liver retested in 4 weeks.

That sucks.

I think that it really made a difference in my response to Clomid, I really do. So, back to holding no hope for next cycle (Remember, I dare not hope for this one.)

We shall see.

I was tempted, and bought, tests last night. Why I wasted money on them, I can't say.

Maybe I'm delusional.

And the results are in

Progesterone results are in today, and the results are... okay. I ovulated! But it was only an 8, and they prefer a 10-15 on medicated cycles... so if I am not pregnant this cycle we are upping my dose to 150mg next cycle. We shall see. I am 8DPO today. I actually ovulated, another drum roll please, on CD16. Crazy. (Remember last time... I was on CD44. So CD16, wow. Super early!)

My liver function test came back too. It was a little elevated. That's not very good, right?

They should call me back today or tomorrow to let me know what the doctor wants to do about the whole liver thing. We may just do a repeat blood test to double check, or maybe we will do something else. I hope he doesn't take me off he Metformin though... I swear it's the only reason the Clomid made me ovulate this time...

I'll post again when I have more info.

For now, I will sit back and try to relax in the TWW, and think to myself... "This is different."

I mean, usually I am waiting around for ovulation.
I don't know what I am going to do with myself.
I'm not going to test early, that's for sure... okay, well I might.
But I am going to try not to. The odds of me concieving this cycle are slim. Our timing was waayyy off (Thanks stupid cold!)

October 15

Antigone in enlisting.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.