The procedure was fairly quick, fairly painful from catheing my cervix (My poor sensitive cervix. It feels so violated.) and it was oh so informative, just as I thought it would be.
The HSG revealed:
Nothing.
Clear tubes, and a perfectly normal uterus.
So, all in all my repeat loss testing shows us that... there's nothing wrong with me causing the miscarriages, except... ummm, my PCOS I guess. Maybe my D deficiency played a part. Who knows.
What we do know is this... if I do mange to get pregnant again, here is what I was told to do...
"Hope for the best."
Why thank you Dr. Blowssunshine, I'll get right on that.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Patterns
Well, here we go again. I'm done with my dates with Clo-mood.
I still have my HSG Tuesday, but things are definitely underway.
I feel numb, a little deja vu. I think maybe because I decided I don't want to think about it at all, because I still haven't really mourned my second loss (How many weeks ago was that now? Over seven...)
This cycle seems especially laden with reminders... so I doubt it will work out.
If I do ovulate (never a gaurantee with me, even with Clo-mood) then it would be around the anniversary of my first miscarriage. And if I get pregnant... and if this baby stays with me... I will be due the week of my birthday. Which is when I concieved my last loss, coincidentally.
Of course, if I don't Ov then none of this matters anyway.
(*sigh*)
I don't mean to be such a pessimist.
I just... two years, only ovulating three times total in those two years, 6 (now 7) rounds of Clo-mood, two conceptions and subsequent miscarriages.... I'm not very optimistic.
On a more positive note though!
Adoption research continues.
I'm excited at the idea, I feel an anticipation I don't feel anymore for trying to concieve naturally. It feels good to have some hope, a little excitement... it's been so long since I've had that.
I have missed that warm anticipatory feeling in my soul.
***By the way, I got Mel's book in the mail yesterday.
****Freakin' sweet!
I still have my HSG Tuesday, but things are definitely underway.
I feel numb, a little deja vu. I think maybe because I decided I don't want to think about it at all, because I still haven't really mourned my second loss (How many weeks ago was that now? Over seven...)
This cycle seems especially laden with reminders... so I doubt it will work out.
If I do ovulate (never a gaurantee with me, even with Clo-mood) then it would be around the anniversary of my first miscarriage. And if I get pregnant... and if this baby stays with me... I will be due the week of my birthday. Which is when I concieved my last loss, coincidentally.
Of course, if I don't Ov then none of this matters anyway.
(*sigh*)
I don't mean to be such a pessimist.
I just... two years, only ovulating three times total in those two years, 6 (now 7) rounds of Clo-mood, two conceptions and subsequent miscarriages.... I'm not very optimistic.
On a more positive note though!
Adoption research continues.
I'm excited at the idea, I feel an anticipation I don't feel anymore for trying to concieve naturally. It feels good to have some hope, a little excitement... it's been so long since I've had that.
I have missed that warm anticipatory feeling in my soul.
***By the way, I got Mel's book in the mail yesterday.
****Freakin' sweet!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
F.B. you fiend
F.ac.eboo.k, you fiend.
I do not begrudge other's their pregnant happiness, but right now... I can't handle it.
I am happy for my F.a.ceb.ook friend, I really am... but I'm still not back at 100% since the miscarriage. Who am I kidding, I'll never be 100% anyway... but I need to be at least 87% to be functional. I don't think I'm there yet.
Thank goodness the developers of F.B. created the Hide option.
Ahhh, relief. All happy pregnant status updates from a certain someone are now hidden from my homepage. The unintentional assault has been stopped for now.
_____________________________
I should be writing a paper right now, but I find myself itching to look at the adoption information that came in the mail today. I would very much like to read it, since it is a comprehensive overview of what our county requires... but on the other hand, this paper I need to write is worth a huge chunk of my grade. And I have until October to look over all the adoption options and requirements; the entire summer!
Damn it. See, this is what infertility does to you. Complicates your life.
Can't think: infertility. Can't focus: infertility options. Can't concentrate: infertility, maybe adoption.
It's on the mind 24/7 even if you're not trying to think about it, it's there.
I'm serious. I mean, I'll be sitting in class thinking,
"I can't have babies. Doctor's appointment such and such day. Pills, pills, pills. Infertility, damn it. Adoption, hmmmm. Oh, we're reading Margaret Atwood... hmm, I don't need to pay attention, I've already read this. Where was I? Adoption... very possible. How how how. We could deal with such and such by doing such and such... maybe this cycle will work though. Maybe baby? No, maybe miscarriage. Damn infertility."
Well, not those exact words, but you get the gist.
I know, I've already wrote this post before. But it's just so exhausting. Even when I try not to think about it, I think about it. It drives me insane.
Speaking of which.
I probably should write that damn paper.
Ungh.
I do not begrudge other's their pregnant happiness, but right now... I can't handle it.
I am happy for my F.a.ceb.ook friend, I really am... but I'm still not back at 100% since the miscarriage. Who am I kidding, I'll never be 100% anyway... but I need to be at least 87% to be functional. I don't think I'm there yet.
Thank goodness the developers of F.B. created the Hide option.
Ahhh, relief. All happy pregnant status updates from a certain someone are now hidden from my homepage. The unintentional assault has been stopped for now.
_____________________________
I should be writing a paper right now, but I find myself itching to look at the adoption information that came in the mail today. I would very much like to read it, since it is a comprehensive overview of what our county requires... but on the other hand, this paper I need to write is worth a huge chunk of my grade. And I have until October to look over all the adoption options and requirements; the entire summer!
Damn it. See, this is what infertility does to you. Complicates your life.
Can't think: infertility. Can't focus: infertility options. Can't concentrate: infertility, maybe adoption.
It's on the mind 24/7 even if you're not trying to think about it, it's there.
I'm serious. I mean, I'll be sitting in class thinking,
"I can't have babies. Doctor's appointment such and such day. Pills, pills, pills. Infertility, damn it. Adoption, hmmmm. Oh, we're reading Margaret Atwood... hmm, I don't need to pay attention, I've already read this. Where was I? Adoption... very possible. How how how. We could deal with such and such by doing such and such... maybe this cycle will work though. Maybe baby? No, maybe miscarriage. Damn infertility."
Well, not those exact words, but you get the gist.
I know, I've already wrote this post before. But it's just so exhausting. Even when I try not to think about it, I think about it. It drives me insane.
Speaking of which.
I probably should write that damn paper.
Ungh.
Accumulating
The informational session about adoption was very helpful. Hardly anyone showed up, so we were better able to get all of our one on one questions answered.
And our current decision is this: we will start the fostering/adoption training in October if we are no closer to having a biological child. If we go the fostering/adoption route, the process should take 9months, for just adoption a year. That does no include how long we'll be waiting for a placement, and that depends on which way we go. We have several months to pound out the details.
_________________________
I am on cycle day 3 already... five days until my HSG. Yikes. This cycle seems to be going slow, but at the same time it feels like it's going super fast. I can't wait for things to finally slow down.
_________________________
I was watching TLC and there was a show on called Ru.nway M.oms... they are pregnant models. The recruiting woman who goes around looking for models, she gives her card out to non-pregnant woman, telling them to give them a call if they ever get pregnant.
Wow, insensitive much? Especially because us infertiles are sneaky, and we can blend into the general public...
Maybe my infertile brain took it the wrong way... but I thought it was a bit tactless.
And our current decision is this: we will start the fostering/adoption training in October if we are no closer to having a biological child. If we go the fostering/adoption route, the process should take 9months, for just adoption a year. That does no include how long we'll be waiting for a placement, and that depends on which way we go. We have several months to pound out the details.
_________________________
I am on cycle day 3 already... five days until my HSG. Yikes. This cycle seems to be going slow, but at the same time it feels like it's going super fast. I can't wait for things to finally slow down.
_________________________
I was watching TLC and there was a show on called Ru.nway M.oms... they are pregnant models. The recruiting woman who goes around looking for models, she gives her card out to non-pregnant woman, telling them to give them a call if they ever get pregnant.
Wow, insensitive much? Especially because us infertiles are sneaky, and we can blend into the general public...
Maybe my infertile brain took it the wrong way... but I thought it was a bit tactless.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Come on new cycle,
the infertile wants to try again... I think.
As a new cycle is underway (I think, unless I'm being toyed with.) I begin to realize, "Hey, there's a chance I could get pregnant again."
(*crickets chirping*)
This used to make me happy. I know it did. Okay, it still does... but not jumping up and down giddy with the idea. Because now, it is deeply and utterly ingrained in my subconscious... miscarriage. Now, I am just glad to be moving forward. I am tentatively hopeful that I could get pregnant again, and that maybe next time will be different.
See, with the first one I was foolish enough to believe that the next time would be different. Part of me thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. Ha. Stupid me.
I'm not so foolish anymore. I am terrified. Truly. The thought of getting pregnant doesn't just scare me though, it makes me horribly sad. I feel so many things at the very idea, that I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm happy, sad, scared, longing, fearing, numb.
But, here we go again.
First off, when my new cycle officially starts, I will be starting Clomid again.
Then, HSG.
And... wait and see.
Hopefully the Clomid will at least get me to ovulate.
I will be so angry if it doesn't.
And there you have it.
Right now, I am sitting on high stress central.
Tuesday I will be going to the informational session about adoption/fostering through the county.
Thursday I have an essay due.
Friday I have two essays due.
Friday I have to submit my entries to the Literary Awards Competition on my campus. So, I need to hurry and and finish my revisions so I can do that!
Then, Friday I work. After work, I am having a movie night to unwind. We're watching Black Sheep (Not the American one, the New Zealand one.) This one has zombie killer were-sheep. I know, it spells awesome! In all seriousness though... it does.
So, if I can get through this week... I have a movie night with friends to look forward to.
If I don't make it through this week... I'll still have a movie night with friends to look forward to!
Don't worry, if this week becomes to much I have enlisted a friend to talk me down.
As a new cycle is underway (I think, unless I'm being toyed with.) I begin to realize, "Hey, there's a chance I could get pregnant again."
(*crickets chirping*)
This used to make me happy. I know it did. Okay, it still does... but not jumping up and down giddy with the idea. Because now, it is deeply and utterly ingrained in my subconscious... miscarriage. Now, I am just glad to be moving forward. I am tentatively hopeful that I could get pregnant again, and that maybe next time will be different.
See, with the first one I was foolish enough to believe that the next time would be different. Part of me thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. Ha. Stupid me.
I'm not so foolish anymore. I am terrified. Truly. The thought of getting pregnant doesn't just scare me though, it makes me horribly sad. I feel so many things at the very idea, that I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm happy, sad, scared, longing, fearing, numb.
But, here we go again.
First off, when my new cycle officially starts, I will be starting Clomid again.
Then, HSG.
And... wait and see.
Hopefully the Clomid will at least get me to ovulate.
I will be so angry if it doesn't.
And there you have it.
Right now, I am sitting on high stress central.
Tuesday I will be going to the informational session about adoption/fostering through the county.
Thursday I have an essay due.
Friday I have two essays due.
Friday I have to submit my entries to the Literary Awards Competition on my campus. So, I need to hurry and and finish my revisions so I can do that!
Then, Friday I work. After work, I am having a movie night to unwind. We're watching Black Sheep (Not the American one, the New Zealand one.) This one has zombie killer were-sheep. I know, it spells awesome! In all seriousness though... it does.
So, if I can get through this week... I have a movie night with friends to look forward to.
If I don't make it through this week... I'll still have a movie night with friends to look forward to!
Don't worry, if this week becomes to much I have enlisted a friend to talk me down.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Angry
I am so grouchy.
I don't mean to be.
I really don't, but lately, it's just there...
Anger.
I am angry that I can't get pregnant.
I am angry I can't stay pregnant.
I am angry about my health insurance.
I am angry about my body.
I am angry about all my medical bills.
I am angry about my student loans.
I am angry that my mother's mental state keeps slipping.
I am angry about my family and various issues.
I am angry about my recent telephone stalkers.
I am angry about my health.
I am angry about my house.
I am angry that while I can live comfortably, I can't save up money well.
I am angry that infertility is kicking my physical, emotional, mental, and financial ass.
I am angry that my homework keeps not getting done. It's a mysterious thing.
I am angry angry angry.
I get so sick of being angry.
But, there you have it.
Today though, I thought... you know, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe...
because the tree I planted for the first miscarriage... has new blooms on it.
It was a beautiful thing; but so full of reminders.
You know, I should have a three month old right now.
I should be 13wks pregnant right now.
But I'm not.
And I never know if I am going to be.
And I'm angry about that.
I want to scream.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs.
I want this to end.
I don't mean to be.
I really don't, but lately, it's just there...
Anger.
I am angry that I can't get pregnant.
I am angry I can't stay pregnant.
I am angry about my health insurance.
I am angry about my body.
I am angry about all my medical bills.
I am angry about my student loans.
I am angry that my mother's mental state keeps slipping.
I am angry about my family and various issues.
I am angry about my recent telephone stalkers.
I am angry about my health.
I am angry about my house.
I am angry that while I can live comfortably, I can't save up money well.
I am angry that infertility is kicking my physical, emotional, mental, and financial ass.
I am angry that my homework keeps not getting done. It's a mysterious thing.
I am angry angry angry.
I get so sick of being angry.
But, there you have it.
Today though, I thought... you know, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe...
because the tree I planted for the first miscarriage... has new blooms on it.
It was a beautiful thing; but so full of reminders.
You know, I should have a three month old right now.
I should be 13wks pregnant right now.
But I'm not.
And I never know if I am going to be.
And I'm angry about that.
I want to scream.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs.
I want this to end.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Moving along
I started Progesterone three days ago, and my temperature has yet to start raising. It makes me wonder if it's going to take effect or not...
Of course, my basal body temperature has been completely wacky for the past few days. I don't even know how to make heads or tails of it. It's ridiculous.
Next week I am going to an informational session about adopting and fostering through the county. I hope I can get some more answers about the process, and what is required, etc... I'm not ready to start the process just yet, but I would like to know as much as I can.
____________________
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hate waiting. All I've done this entire trying to concieve journey is wait, wait, wait. It's exhausting.
Of course, my basal body temperature has been completely wacky for the past few days. I don't even know how to make heads or tails of it. It's ridiculous.
Next week I am going to an informational session about adopting and fostering through the county. I hope I can get some more answers about the process, and what is required, etc... I'm not ready to start the process just yet, but I would like to know as much as I can.
____________________
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hate waiting. All I've done this entire trying to concieve journey is wait, wait, wait. It's exhausting.
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