The good, the bad, and the ugly-

- We'll start this off with the good, because I'm giddy about the news I got this weekend. My step-sister got matched with a birth mother! Squeal! I know that it's still early in the process, and it's hard to tell what's going to happen now, but I'm still excited for her. If you don't remember, this is my brother's sister who had been dealing with infertility for 5 years and had a failed IVF last year. So, yeah... SQUEAL!

Also, I'm getting around more and it feels great! I mean, physically I have to take it easy and I'm getting wore out super fast... but emotionally, it feels great to be on my feet again. I did the dishes today... it was awesome. And right now? I'm at work. I won't be back on the schedule until next month, but I'm covering someones shift tonight. I'm really excited about this, because goodness knows we need the money now.

My anatomy scan is scheduled for the 9th. Hopefully we'll get good news, and the baby will be doing great. I'm 19wks 2days now, and at the scan I'll be 20wks 3days. I think that if things look good, then after my prenatal appointment on the 24th we might let ourselves start buying baby things... I should be 22wks 4days then. We may keep waiting until 24wks though. We did decide we're going to tell our families the baby's a boy though... but we're waiting until after the anatomy scan. Why we changed our mind will be down below in "the UGLY".

- Ahem... now onto the bad. I'm tired of getting "mommyjacked" on FB. For those of you who aren't familiar with mommyjacking, I refer you to STFU, Parents and this helpful post. Okay, so seriously, we know I'm pregnant. But not all my posts on FB are pregnancy related. Give me a break. If I post about being tired, maybe it's because I'm tired. I don't need to hear how I should wait until the baby gets here to know what tired is. Screw that! I don't comment on their "tired" posts and tell them "just wait until your baby dies, then you'll know what a sleepless night is." I don't.

Today, I posted about my cat Ishi. I honestly believe this cat has some form of mental illness. I've thought this for a long time. He isn't afraid of me and the other animals in the house. But my husband, company, loud noises, all freak him out. When he freaks out, he runs and hides. Now, when I'm home alone he's a completely normal cat. Completely normal. It's like night and day.

Well today I posted about Ishi having a freak out. My SIL commented that maybe he senses that we have a baby on the way and that things are going to change... umm, what does this have to do with my fetus? If it was related to my pregnancy at all I'd think it was because of the bed rest situation. When we explained to her that this cat has been mental for years, she went on to say that I might have to get rid of him after the baby gets here... because he could be dangerous.

Are you freaking serious? He HIDES from everything, he doesn't MAUL everyone to death.

I told her that I would not be getting rid of a single cat, so she said that you change when you become a parent (wait for it) she went on to say that she did, and that I'll see.

Umm, I've felt this strongly about animals for my entire life. That's not going to change. Pets are NOT disposable. This cat is not dangerous, I've had him for five years; I'm not going to get rid of him now.

My post wasn't asking for advice, I never brought up my pregnancy, let alone getting rid of this cat! I just said that he had an episode, and I thought he had a kitty mental disorder. But apparently, everything's about pregnancy and being a mom. (*rolls eyes*) And I need her assvice, I do, because us poor non-parents have no clue how the world works. Woe is us! How will we ever survive?!

If I'm hungry, it's because I'm pregnant... not because we all need to eat. If I'm tired, it's because I'm pregnant... not because we all need to sleep. And I don't even know what tired is yet. If I'm going out of the house, I better take it easy. Because I'm not already aware of that. I should have relished in my bed rest, because once I have a baby I'm never going to catch a break... yeah, let's forget that I was on bed rest because I could have lost my baby!

Do you see where this is going? Give me a break.

Here's what I want to post on FB, "Dear Mommy Club, stop including me and my fetus in your stupid crap. We don't want your assvice, our situation is not like yours, and stop trying to relate with me over this. Stop trying to act like parenting is a secret club that no one understands. I KNOW babies keep you up at night, they poop, pee, they take time/effort/money... we did have 4 YEARS to think about all those things! Leave me and my fetus out of your hidden Mommy agenda! KTHNXBYE."

Mmm, venting feels good.

- Onto the UGLY. So remember how we weren't going to tell our families what the baby was because of extreme gender bias? Well, my mom was nagging me and nagging me. I hoped that given what we went through, she'd reel in her own girl-gender-preference enough to be happy for us... yeah, here's how she responded when I (STUPIDLY) caved and told her, "So it's another boy. Hmm."

Yeah, I didn't know we had any other boys. Did you?

You'd think that after losing a granddaughter already, and me having three miscarriages, and knowing how we've almost lost this one, what we went through just to get pregnant, she could have at least feigned excitement. No, it's just another boy, right? Eh.

I hate people sometimes. Any baby is a miracle. ANY BABY.

And we told her not to tell anyone... like my mother can keep a secret, PFFT! She told my cousin, who told her young daughters. And we all know kids can't keep secrets. And if we make it to a baby shower, someone is bound to slip up. So now we have to tell the in-laws. Yeah, so much for keeping it a secret.

In my defense... I can't lie, so when she asked me if we'd found out, I didn't know what to do. I panicked, and slipped up. I couldn't just say, "No." or "We're not telling," or something. Nooo, I had to tell her. (*facepalm*)

I'm sure all the in-laws will be just as thrilled as my mom was about it being another boy.

- And we're back to the good, because you know what?! It's a good thing that this isn't their baby. We're still thrilled as can be that it's alive and well at every single appointment! We marvel at it and soak it up. This baby might have some disgustingly petty extended family members, but it's mommy and daddy are over the moon happy every time they see it jumping on the ultrasound screen. How can you even put expectations on something so tiny and perfect? It's healthy and alive, what else matters? I think that if the baby stays alive, I should buy this onsie for when we take it over to the grandparents. It says, "Sorry for disappointing you. P.S. I'm just a damn baby. Maybe your expectations are too high."

Yay-

First of all, our little Nombie is doing great. He's measuring at 18wks 5days (1 day ahead) and about 9oz right now. Lots of wigging during the ultrasound, and got a great profile shot. I think he favors A- a lot. A- doesn't see it, but he hasn't looked at as many ultrasound photos as I have either.

The clot is a bit smaller, less than a centimeter now. The OB said I can get around more, take walks if I want, but to take it easy and make sure I don't over do it. So, no more bed rest! YAY!!! She wants me to stay on pelvic rest for now though.

My random glucose test came back good, so I'm still on my Metformin and seeing how that goes. My thyroid is under control too, so that's great. And the AFP came back good, so Nombie's risk of spina bifida and other neural tube defects is very low.

I should have my anatomy scan in two weeks, still waiting for them to call with my appointment time. The OBs office only does level 1 scans, so they're sending me to the hospital for the level 2 scan. I don't really understand the differences but I know level 2 is better, so I'm cool with that.

I'm still not in maternity clothes yet, I know my belly is sticking out more but all my clothes fit. Shirts may be getting a little snug, but not by much. I do favor stretchy skirts instead of jeans, but I still fit my jeans. As for my weight gain/loss this pregnancy, I initially lost 5lbs, and have since gained 4lbs back. I fluctuate 2lbs each appointment though, I lose it and gain it back, you know, the normal fluctuations... so I haven't even really gained anything yet either. My OB is happy with this, so I can't complain but I'm wondering when/if I'm going to be in actual maternity clothes.

Things are looking much better at this point, and I'm starting to think I might have a baby this Christmas. Which is such a weird feeling... I mean, this might really happen.

I bought a maternity shirt the other day, and a onsie (I got it for free actually)... and feel conflicted about that. On one hand it made the pregnancy more real, but on the other hand is was very scary. I felt like I was going to jinx it, that I'm going to waste money on this stuff and then not need it because things went wrong, etc... But I did it, I took a leap; a small leap, but a leap nonetheless.

A week and a half until 20wks, then Nombie will be "half baked"... still counting down until 24 weeks though. Just a month and a half more... I think I'll breath a lot easier if we can at least make it that far.

Cosmic forces and jumbled thoughts-

It's like a law of the universe or something, that when you're broke everything you have must break too. Or when something you get something you really wanted, everything else has to fall apart because no one can have it all.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed. We lost my income from work because of bed rest, have all sorts of medical expenses because of this pregnancy (bills for ER, ultrasounds, medications, etc...), pet emergencies resulting in high veterinary fees, then my car breaks down, laptop cord broke, laptop battery is messed up and will need replaced sometime (I'm waiting for it to die completely to replace it!), then last night my eye glasses broke-broke (insurance doesn't pay for those either, they only cover the eye exam). Normally we'd be prepared for these things, we'd be fine with them, but since we were already having trouble it makes sense that it all has to happen now, all at once... law of the universe.

On top of that, there's just so much family drama... the latest is my little brothers mom planning on moving him from just a few blocks away from us, to two states away from us. In the next few weeks no less. And I just found out a few days ago. I'm beside myself with worry for him, I don't feel like this move is in his best interest at all for a lot of reasons. And I'm very distraught because I don't want to lose him either. If I could get custody of that boy, I would. It's just a bad situation, and there's nothing I can do about it except remind my little brother that I'm here for him- and that I'll always be here for him. It just... sucks. I'm hoping something comes up and she changes her plans, but I also know better than to count on that. Until then, I have my little brother this weekend and we're going to make the best of it since I don't know how much longer he'll be here. I really have no words for how much this is hurting... I just feel crushed.

Sorry to be such a downer... I've just been feeling very overwhelmed lately, so many things happening in such a short period of time. It's hard to cope with it all at once.

It seems like a lot has gone wrong this year. I am thankful for so many things though, the love of my husband, the help from my mother, and Nombie. I go back Wednesday for another ultrasound... I really hope Nombie is still hanging in there. My belly seems a lot more noticeable this week, but it could just be me. I think I felt a jab in there the other night, but it was just once, completely random, and hasn't happened again... so who knows. It definitely didn't feel like anything I've ever experienced before.

Here's some belly shots for you. 16wks vs 18wks:

No news is good news-

Nothing new here to report. Achey, sore, nauseous... the norm. Still no more bleeding, I'm happy to report. Still not feeling movement or anything, but I suspect it'll be awhile yet. I may be feeling an occasional flutter but it's hard for me to say. My doppler offers little no relief. You'd think that getting farther along would make it easier to find the heart beat, but instead it's just gotten more difficult and most of the time I can't find it at all. I've pretty much given up on it.

Since I can move around a bit more, I've started going down stairs to make dinner at night. Sweet word, I'd forgotten how good my cooking was! My husband apparently didn't because he has to comment at every meal how it tastes "just like it used to." No matter how I tried to instruct him on my cooking, he always seemed to skew the recipes just enough that it was "off." He messed up mac and cheese one night... seriously. I love him, and I love that he tried his hardest... but that was some nasty mac and cheese. Even he didn't eat his. (*sigh*) It's been a long few months. And my potato-mushroom casserole last night was like heaven to me... yum.

I've been roasting in this heat wave, the humidity is absolutely killing me (the humidity is supposed to be like 80% all week- yeah). Yesterday's heat index was 98F, today it's 100F... and the hottest day of the week is yet to come (expected on Thursday). I'm already making plans to evacuate my house in the evening- not having a/c isn't usually so bad, but this past week has been awful. I read online that the heat pocket may be beginning to move east... which, uh, means it's going to move over me more than it already is. Yuck. Can't it just vanish and be done with it's bad self already? Needless to say, cold showers are my friend. And popcicles. My fan used to be my friend, but now it's just blowing hot air on me and we're not on such good terms. I am thankful for it though, because a hot breeze is better than no breeze right now.

I don't know if there was anything else I wanted to add... the heat's starting to peak for the day, and I can't think straight. Time to make preparations to leave my house, if just for an hour.

Anniversary- love in retrospect

Tuesday was our anniversary. Eight years ago we began dating, and five years ago we got married. I fell in love at eighteen, married the first man I've ever kissed, and I've never regretted it.

We've went through a lot together in that time. The first three years were trying in their own way, but the real struggle came after we got married. I could never in my life have imagined all the storms we'd have to weather. And looking back, my thankfulness for having him by my side knows no words.

When I was young and naive (I did fall in love at eighteen after all) I used to get upset that my husband didn't buy me flowers, never surprised me with gifts, didn't tell me I was pretty all the time, didn't fit what society told me love was. Instead, he taught me what love really is.

When we drove home from the doctor's office with the confirmation that I had stopped ovulating at just 21, a rough diagnosis of PCOS, and the knowledge that we may not become parents, our life was shaken. Everything we'd pictured took a blow, our hopes for the future completely shattered. I cried, he cried, we blew off our jobs that day and we ran away. I told him he could leave me, and he told me that he wouldn't do that because if he couldn't have children with me, he didn't want to have them with anyone.

That day was only the beginning. When I started having out first miscarriage, I called him screaming and crying. We rushed to the hospital room, and he held my hand, took care of calling his family to tell them we wouldn't be making it to our nephew's birthday party after all. He was patient, composed, yet broken. But he was there for me. I'm not saying he handled it in the best way possible, because there were many errors on both our parts as we dealt with this unimaginable grief, but he was there for me when no one else was. He was hurting too, but together we survived.

With the second miscarriage he brought me breakfast in bed afterward when I was in too much pain to move. He helped me take my pain medication, made sure I had everything I needed, we made arrangements for us to run away again. He held me, and let me cry.

After the third... he held me for months and let me cry. He supported me, held me up when I would rather have given up on life altogether.

When I had my surgeries last year, he waited on me hand and foot. He took his vacation days from work to stay home with me while I was laid up. After my carpal tunnel surgeries, I couldn't bath myself, dress myself, I couldn't open my pill bottles on my own, I couldn't cook dinner, I couldn't do anything at all the first week except change the ice pack and take more pain medication. He was there for me, he took care of me, he never complained. I had three surgeries in three months, and not once did he complain when I asked for anything. And I asked for a lot. I wanted the movie changed, I needed him to help me pull my pants up, I wanted him to tie my hair in a pony tail (which I learned he lacks the skills for, but it was cute that he tried anyway), make me dinner, get me take out, get my phone, get my laptop, get my ice pack, put this back, come here, help me up... endless requests, yet he never said anything about it.

Even now, working on over 8 weeks of bed rest, he's still waiting on me tirelessly. Yes, he could clean more, he could put a little more effort into dinner, but I try not to say anything because while I'm laid up, he has to take care of everything. Every want and need I have, every want and need the animals have, his job, the house, the finances, taking me to appointments and such, going to the store- all the tasks that were once divided, now fall onto him. I can tell it's wearing on him, although he doesn't say anything, but I know it's hard. It's hard for me too.

So while he doesn't buy me flowers, jewelry, great romantic gestures... I find now that those things really aren't that romantic. Romantic to me is when I'm in so much pain physically and emotionally because I lost our baby that I couldn't do anything, and all I wanted was some doughnuts and an iced cappuccino for breakfast- that he went out and got it for me. It's when he tells me he loves me and holds me, and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

I'll admit it's a pretty screwed up view of love, but it's nice to know that something good did come out of all that bad stuff. I'm not saying it was worth it- what we've had to endure can never be justified- but it's nice to know that it wasn't all bad. Yes, we've had plenty of fun, we've shared spontaneous movies, playing games and talking through the night, went on spontaneous road trips for no reason... but it isn't in those moments that I remember best the depths of his love for me, or my love for him. It's in the little moments when our life fell apart that he reminded me I still have something to live for, that life isn't all bad after all.

And it's nice to know that after our 8 years together, all our love had done is grow. When we started dating, I never imagined that I could love him anymore than I did then. When we got married, I thought surely that was perfection. Yet every single day that we're together, I love him a more. It's endless, and it's amazing.

16wks4days

Yesterday was our 5 year wedding anniversary, and we planned a jailbreak so I could get out of the house. It was nice! I'll post my reflections on that later.

For now, today's appointment! It went well. The clot appears to be smaller, it was 3x7.54cm at it's biggest and it looked to be 1x1cm today. It is also all down by the cervix now, when it was at it's biggest it was up near the placenta. So definitely a big improvement! We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound.

Nombie looked great, lots of activity. The tech told me that Nombie is about 6 ounces now, fluid is good, cervix is good... so things look good :) She also asked if we were finding out the gender, and if we wanted her to take a peek... now, if your FB friends with me please don't mention this, we decided not to tell our families the gender until Nombie is here due to the very ridiculous gender preference they've displayed (yeah, there was more than just what I've posted. That was just the prize winning statement.)

But, it definitely looks like Nombie is a boy. We didn't really care either way obviously, but it's neat to know. It's still early, yes, but for now... the ultrasound tech, nurses, and my OB were pretty convinced.

Thanks everyone about the belly shots. I still don't see it personally, I always had a "pregnant" belly thanks to PCOS. It's always just accumulated there, and as I said all my clothes still fit just fine. I can definitely tell it's shifted a little, but it's barely noticeable at the same time. I plan on taking photos every two weeks to see if there's a difference, and to document things.

Today, I had to yet again remind my mother that this pregnancy still isn't a done deal. She was already talking about the possibility of a baby shower in October. I feel like it's probably a little early to be talking about that. I know that she just wants to be excited, so does the rest of our family and friends, but it really bothers me when they act so cavalier about things, then in turn tell me or act like I need to start enjoying things and be happy. I AM happy, I AM thankful that I'm still pregnant, but I've also been through a lot. I'm only 16wks, I don't think I need to jump into buying baby stuff so soon to enjoy things, or get giddy and talk about my pregnancy like it's a done deal. I need to do things in my own time. Someday, if things continue in a positive direction, I will feel more comfortable with things, and we'll start preparing a little more... I'm not there yet. The thought of going to the store and buying things still puts me in an absolute panic- I'm just not there yet. My husband isn't there yet.

It seems like everyone is there already, except us.

But you know what, right now, we're perfectly content to look at the ultrasound photos and admire how cute the baby is, remembering how it kicks and jumps on the ultrasound screen, and reflect on how incredible it's been watching it grow from a fetal pole to this. For us, for now, that's enough. We don't need to start planning, we don't need to start buying things, right now we just need to focus on making it through each week.

Everyone handles pregnancy after a loss differently. This is where we are today, and we're fine with that. I just wish that our families understood that.

Hmm. Well-

One of my blog followers requested a belly photo. I'll be honest, even at almost 16 weeks here I'm still not showing. All my clothes still fit and everything. I was big before I got pregnant, so I'm assuming it'll be awhile still before anyone can notice anything. That aside, I can tell my fat is starting to redistribute, because it's starting to feel different. When I stand it's harder, when I sit it's all flab again. My injections are getting harder to do in my belly for some reason. Some clothing is starting to feel uncomfortable because of how it sits on my belly, not just from the bruises anymore but rather because of my weird fat redistribution process. I'm favoring stretchy clothes for comfort right now, but I can still wear my old jeans just fine too.

I'm sure my old clothes will fit for awhile longer, not just because I'm a bigger girl, but also because before this last cycle I lost 25lbs (3 inches off my waist!) from jogging and calorie counting- I never updated my wardrobe, and none of the weight has came back because I haven't gained a single pound yet (since I am a big girl, I don't think my OB will be too concerned- the less weight I gain in pregnancy, the better) But since my clothes were a little roomier beforehand, I can stretch them a bit longer.

I think my uterus is starting to give me a bit of a pregnancy belly though, I noticed some of my shirts that had extra room are starting to fit snugger in the midsection. But still not anything anyone would notice. Being a bigger girl, it complicates the idea of a defined pregnancy bump, because honestly... I know all women who get pregnant say that they just look fat, but most of them have a defined bump. I just look like I ate too much this week. My husband can't see any difference at all, if it wasn't for my shirts starting to get snugger... I probably wouldn't have either.

But, for the sake of my follower (and because I love her, lol) I'll post two for comparison. They're a little blurry. The first one is from 14wks, and the second one is from today (15wks5days). Not really much to see, sorry!

(*sigh*)

So baby was good, cervix was fine. I do have an infection though, so they're starting me on antibiotics. I wonder if that might be what's causing the pain- it's hard to tell. Either way, better to have caught it now.

The clot was... who knows. I saw a different OB since mine in on vacation, and the machine they used sucked worse than the one I normally get the checks done on. This OB thought it looked good and wasn't concerned about it at all... but she was also ridiculously peppy the entire visit. I'll wait until I actually talk to my OB, because she's a little more down to earth and knows my history better. The OB I saw today didn't seem like she really examined my chart that much, to be honest.

We had to put our surviving ferret down today. He went into renal failure, and his health rapidly declined. I hate this. We had him for 6 years, and we loved him so much. He always made us laugh even when things got really bad, his little ferret war dances were adorable, and he loved to play tug of war with me. I miss him so much already :(

We lost our other ferret earlier this year due to similar issues. And in February, our twelve year old cat passed away. It hasn't been the best year so far. I really hope things don't continue down this path.

Unfamiliar territory-

It's still weird saying that I'm pregnant. Let alone telling people that I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 4 years of telling them, no, we can't have children. And you know, maybe we still can't, because this certainly isn't a done deal. Which makes it even more awkward to actually say the words.

But it isn't just saying that I'm pregnant that's weird for me, actually being pregnant is ten times worse. I know what's normal for me, but I don't know what's normal or not for a pregnant woman. It doesn't help that this pregnancy hasn't been, well, normal. I mean, bleeding for practically the entire pregnancy? That just isn't right. All the severe cramping, passing clots, bed rest... it isn't exactly reassuring.

I've been focusing a lot on what's not normal and now I'm finding that, while I have a clue what's normal, I don't know. I can read all sorts of things in books, I can ask other women all sorts of questions, but in the end I'm not the one experiencing it. I don't really know what it's all like- I just know what it was like for someone else.

I started having some cervical/vaginal pain Friday night, and obviously that concerns me. Several women said that they've experienced the same thing, and that it's probably normal. The on-call OB I called to question just kind of told me not to worry about it too unless there's bleeding (hahaha- that's sooo helpful) and severe pain. But I can't stop myself from worrying about it- I'm sore and having some pain. I don't want another thing to go wrong. I can't help but freak out a little. How can I be sure that this is just normal pain, and not something more serious? It just started, totally new, so for me, up to this point, it has not been normal. And suddenly, here it is. It's very disconcerting!

I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since Tuesday (now that I've typed that, I'm sure it'll start back up again... it always does. Ugh.) But you'd think I'd be a little more relaxed about things... no, I am more worried now. I know the pain is up near where my cervix is, it's the same area that hurt when I inserted the Cytotec in 2009 to help my second miscarriage progress. I've been more aware of that area ever since. So this just makes me more nervous. The on-call OB acted like I didn't know what I was talking about because "the cervix doesn't have any nerve endings"- whatever asshat, I know what area I'm talking about just the same. Even if it's not the cervix, it's definitely the area directly surrounding the cervix- and only that area.

I could just be paranoid, given how many things have gone wrong I think I have good cause to be. But there's no way for me to know. It seems like a fine line between paranoia and a gut feeling with valid concerns. How am I supposed to walk that line when I'm always half way over into the realm of paranoia? To me, yes this is pretty concerning. Obviously not to anyone else though. So am I being paranoid, am I being overly self conscious, am I validly concerned... I don't know. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday... I guess I'll just keep an eye on things for now. But it's frustrating not knowing what exactly is "normal."

(And as an aside note, I have a hard time believing that there are absolutely no nerve endings in the cervix. Umm, after all the paps, IUIs, probing of my cervix, the HSG, miscarriages, passing of abnormally large clots and tissues, etc... I can say that if it wasn't my cervix that felt all that shit, well it was just the entire area surrounding it. Because something felt everything.)