Friday, January 7, 2011


After you put so much money, so much time, and so much heart into something... and then still fail... you don't have much left to give. Yes, there is a newfound freedom in the possibility of other options. Yes, that's even liberating, exciting, inspiring. But, it's not always enough if you're running on empty, or you're haunted by the terror you just escaped.

That is to say, the world after infertility treatments is weary. I still want to be a parent, yes. But we spent longer than a lot of people do, losing again and again. We gave everything we had financially, physically, emotionally; our privacy was invaded, our bodies, our desires. I spent so long losing everything, that I'm terrified to risk what ground I've recently regained to do it again. I've already been down one very long hard road, and now I am faced with another. It's like I'm on an endless mountain, the climb in relentless.

I'm pressing forward, but I'm not pressing as hard as I could. I'm not looking for a new job with as much enthusiasm as I could. I'm not pushing every penny back like I could be doing.

I just spent so long feeling like I was in a corner, fighting with everything I had at my disposal, that now that I'm free... well, it's hard to imagine going back. We spent years giving infertility every penny we had. We spent years giving everything we had. And if we were to turn around and start right now, save our money, start struggling anew... just the thought of it makes me feel like I'm back in that corner. Our of options, money, time, and heart.

I'm enjoying our time of, well, not doing anything. It feels good to just sit at home and play video games. It's nice to just worry about our work schedules for once, and not what day it is or if we need to do this or that, or what cycle day it is. We can spend money without worrying if we'll need it for an IUI or medication or ultrasounds. We're not in a corner anymore.

Or at least, it feels that way.

Meanwhile, we're not saving money. We're not making the progress we would like to make towards embryo adoption.

We're just piddling around.

And while that is what my heart and soul need right now, it's not what I need in the long run. And I realize that I am holding back, not just because I need the time to heal, but because I'm scared. I am absolutely terrified of fighting another losing battle, or giving something else everything.

It's hard to express how it feels, to have fought for so very long, and lost. I never fought this hard against anything my entire life. Three years of my life I spent in the stirrups of infertility, fighting against the odds. Not to mention the time before and after fertility treatments when we weren't preventing. Yet still, we lost. It was a battle I simply could not win with the resources available- my body, our locality, our finances, our lack of fertility medical insurance, our "luck".

Not everyone gets the expected "happy ending" when they pursue fertility treatments. It's a little known secret to the general public, it would seem, but so well known to us suffering. While I have hope that a different happy ending awaits me, I struggle with finding the courage to start working towards our new goal. I spent 4 years of my life trying to get one simple little thing to work; pregnancy. And I failed. How much longer will I have to wait, and how much more will I have to give? That question has been weighing on my heavily. I know we're going to press forward (and we want to, really we do) but right now I'm not in any hurry. I wish I was, but I can't bring myself to it.

Which works out, I suppose, since we need the time to save money for embryo adoption anyway.

So I still feel like we're where we need to be, but I'm realizing some things about myself and our life. Which is good. It's been awhile since I touched base with myself anyway, I mean on a deeper level. If that even makes any sense, ha.

I'd probably be able to do that a bit more if I could pull myself away from the video games....


Celia said...

OH PUMPKIN. You are in my thoughts so often.

Raising Davis Darlings said...

It sounds like you are doing what is best for you at this point - resting yourself emotionally and physically. The video games is a distraction from the emotional and physical drama that you experienced. :) I did the same thing when I lost my two. I got lost in photography and editing. It helped get me through everything! So don't feel guilty for indulging right now.

I know you are getting away from the pressure of trying to get pregnant, but it sounds to me that you are so bothered by not actually doing anything towards your next step to become parents. I can understand that, I would feel the same way. Do you think that maybe if you start saving just a little each month toward the adoption may make you feel better as you emotionally and physically heal?

*hugs* and remember you are not alone on this wonderful journey of infertility!! said...

Maybe you're not pushing forward as quickly as you thought because you still need to feel free. To have that break. Enjoy the video games and not worrying about your work schedules :)

Janis MK said...

It sounds like you need a long rest, for your body, heart and mind. Take it. ((hugs))

Kristin said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

My heart just hurts for you and all you've been through. I'm so glad you're taking time to heal. I wish it was easier.

Chrissie said...

Praying this year includes your miracle. Thanks for sharing your story x