Sunday, November 7, 2010

Well, that sucks-

Blaring negative just now at 11 days post ovulation. I know it's early still, but I used the super sensitive tests (can pick up 10 hcg), and I've always had a positive by now if I was going to get one at all.

So... that sucks.

I don't get it. I really don't.

Part of me wonders if this is for the best though.

I used to ask the universe "Please let me get pregnant," but now I simply ask, "Please, don't let me get pregnant if I can't have a take home baby." Getting pregnant would be nice, but I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Perhaps me not even being able to get pregnant anymore is a sign that I should let go already.

I'm not one for signs, faith, or even science anymore. I generally believe that whatever is going to happen, will happen, and fuck how it affects everyone. But... I guess I'm grasping here. But, not getting pregnant could be a blessing in disguise. And maybe, just maybe, it means something.



Or it could just be another sad mind-fuck on the path of infertility. Another layer to my grief. Not even another chance at pregnancy, no last try, no final attempt. Just... this. Another thing taken away from me and forced out of my hands. Another thing that I'll always wonder about.

I don't know. But blessing in disguise, or not, it sucks.

12 comments:

Celia said...

That is because no matter how many times we think there is no hope, a little bit creeps back in. BFNs stomp on the shreds of our dreams. I think of you often. You inspire me to be thankful for what I have, even when motherhood feels more like some kind of endurance test then anything else.

Melis.sa said...

I'm sorry. I know how it feels to give up and then when your mind wanders hope seeps in somehow and then reality fucking sucks it out once again.

Kristin said...

You are right. One way or the other it freaking SUCKS! I am so sorry sweetie.

Kelly said...

Oh no. I'm keeping everything crossed for you that it's just too early and not only do you get a BFP, but that you get a super-sticky BFP. (((HUGS)))

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

yes - such a mind fuck...I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. I really hope it's too early and you still have a chance for a BFP...

CeCe said...

hang in there! sending wishes for your BFP!

iamstacey said...

I think it's much too early. Try to wait a few more days before testing again. It's SO hard, but try to wait, hold on to hope ...

unaffected said...

It does suck, and I'm sorry :(

HSQUARED said...

I'm so sorry. I think we both had our IUI within days of each other, I unfortunately already got my news. I feel your pain. I HATE the wait.

portraitsinsepia said...

I am really sorry to hear that. And in the midst of what you are going through you still find it in you to leave such thoughtful comments on my blog. Take care.

portraitsinsepia said...

I am really sorry to hear that. And in the midst of what you are going through you still find it in you to leave such thoughtful comments on my blog. Take care.

luna said...

it does suck, no way around that.
wish there was better news.