Blaring negative just now at 11 days post ovulation. I know it's early still, but I used the super sensitive tests (can pick up 10 hcg), and I've always had a positive by now if I was going to get one at all.
So... that sucks.
I don't get it. I really don't.
Part of me wonders if this is for the best though.
I used to ask the universe "Please let me get pregnant," but now I simply ask, "Please, don't let me get pregnant if I can't have a take home baby." Getting pregnant would be nice, but I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Perhaps me not even being able to get pregnant anymore is a sign that I should let go already.
I'm not one for signs, faith, or even science anymore. I generally believe that whatever is going to happen, will happen, and fuck how it affects everyone. But... I guess I'm grasping here. But, not getting pregnant could be a blessing in disguise. And maybe, just maybe, it means something.
Or it could just be another sad mind-fuck on the path of infertility. Another layer to my grief. Not even another chance at pregnancy, no last try, no final attempt. Just... this. Another thing taken away from me and forced out of my hands. Another thing that I'll always wonder about.
I don't know. But blessing in disguise, or not, it sucks.