Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mmm, what day is it?

I keep forgetting what cycle day it is, and that's okay for the first time in a really long time.

It's a sort of lovely feeling, not paying out the ass for treatments, and not struggling with what's going to happen next. I've been playing video games, and just relaxing and entertaining myself. I haven't even been getting online all that often... I know, crazy! I've been playing video games a lot though. A lot a lot. Like, I have a slight addition. But I don't think we need an intervention just yet... not until after I beat this game.

I'm really excited about seeing Harr.y Pot.ter this weekend... like, schoolgirlsqueal-happydance excited. I'm really just enjoying the little things, and it feels good. It's like a huge weight has lifted, and I can really laugh with every fiber in me... not just the tatters of what was left. I still have my moments, and I know I always will no matter what, but right now I am happy.

I've been watching my calories and working out on the treadmill... definitely feeling the burn! Watching my calories has been easier since I started the Metformin XR, rather than the Regular Metformin that I had been taking. Maybe it also has to do with me being on 2,000mg instead of 1,500mg... I don't know. But, I'm less hungry- it's weird to feel full after a smaller portion, before I would still be starving. Still doing fairly well on it, although I have been having a little bit of gastrointestinal issues lately. But good overall.

My liver function test must have came back okay, or not worse at least, because my primary care physician didn't say anything about it. However, my Vitamin D levels have went back down, so I'm on a prescription Vitamin D regiment for 8 weeks again. Yippee skippy. Last time my level was 15, and we got it up to 53 after the 8 weeks. Since then, I've been taking 1,000iu of D3 a day in addition to the 400iu in my prenatal. Apparently that wasn't quite enough though... This time it was 29 I think... so not as bad, but still low. We'll see how this goes.

In my drive to take better care of myself, I made myself go to the dentist... and this morning, I had some cavities filled. Oh joy. But it was necessary, I was very close to needing a root canal or tooth extraction on two of them. And that would have cost a lot more, and been a lot more painful.

Next Tuesday marks one year since we had the last miscarriage. It's weird to say that... a year already. It doesn't seem like it was really that long ago though. At the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. That one I never even imagined working out, so I feel more detached from the whole experience... I knew it was damned before it began. But it still hurts. I still wish that it had worked out. I still miss what could have been.

We've only told a few select people about what's going on, and what we're hoping to do. Most people have been super supportive. Others, not so much.

A family member told me that since I'm saving up the money and trying to get healthier, that maybe once we had the money saved up we could try injectables again instead. Now maybe that could just be them trying to be "helpful", but this family member always goes back to why we can't keep trying for a biological child, or why we don't try X, Y, or Z. Now, yes- it could just be them trying to be helpful. But I know this family member well, and given a lot of other things they've said and done, I know that they aren't going to be as accepting of our child if it isn't ours biologically. They aren't as accepting of my sister's step-son, they've made a lot of comments about this. Claiming him as family one minute, but not the next. They've said things about other family members who aren't biologically related, or even my in-laws since they aren't biologically related to me... forget that fact that they are related to my husband.

And this pains me... as much as I could easily say "it's their loss", it would also be my child's loss of this family member. How would I explain this to a potential child, because I know they'll pick up on this attitude, even if the family member never out right says it. And that's something I'll have to figure out how to deal with.

I'm generally very sick of a few family members who continue to pressure me to keep trying to have a biological child. I can explain the costs, the pain, the miscarriages, odds of success/failure, the years of heart break and suffering- I can explain this to them until I'm blue in the lips, but they still keep pushing for this. It really pains me. I want them to just accept our decision, because it's my husband and I's life- not theirs. We haven't made any decisions lightly, we've put a lot of thought into this. We've been through a lot. We've done fertility treatments for 2 and a half years, maybe they can't understand this but that's a really long time in the realm of infertility. You can really go through a lot in that amount of time. I don't want people to second guess me, to tell me I'm "giving up", or try to give me advice, or judge me- I just want the people in my life to accept this decision.

The first year or two with infertility, this wasn't so bad because we were also hoping for a biological child. But now, it's like adding insult to injury. Like nothing I do is good enough. Biological child? Sure that'd be nice, but not having one isn't the end of the world. We have other options. And we can accept that not everyone is able to have a biological child. This is the world we live it. Not everyone walks away from fertility treatments with their original goal realized. Not everyone that wants to be parents can make that happen. That's life. It's not easy to accept, especially when you're on the receiving end, but it's the truth.

I imagine that for people with no fertility issues, that concept is hard to wrap your head around. Especially when you see the end goal, but not the struggle. Sure that women you know conceived finally after ten years, but do you have an idea how much pain she was in before that? Sure, someone you know went through several miscarriages before she was successful- but were you there holding her hand as she lost everything she ever wanted? Did you hold her hand through the contractions, did you offer her your time and support? People don't want to talk about infertility and loss, they don't want to be there for the process, it's like they don't want to understand. In some cases, we ourselves decide not to share because it's too painful. So how could they know... but in other cases, we try to tell them, we try to tell them so many times, but they still refuse to hear what we're really saying.

Sometimes you have to move on. Sometimes options become limited, your heart is moved in another direction, or you just can't bear to keep moving because you have nothing left to give. Maybe it's for one reason or another, or maybe it's for a lot of reasons. But eventually, you either succeed of you find a new option.

In the end, we generally know what's best for us and what we need to do.

I don't know where I'm going with this... just venting and thinking out loud I suppose.
Long story short, life goes on.

I'm here, I'm alive, and the world is still spinning even though we aren't planning on having a biological child anymore. Life hasn't gotten any easier, or more difficult, just different.


WiseGuy said...

Well, you said it right... people who have no experience with infertility, can't seem to understand the struggle easily.

It was a slight issue with my mother too...slight because it was miniscule, my mother believed I had problems long while after I started believing that I did. And she would make me try new routines or medications, and she would not really understand my would be just do this one thing and then I won't say anything...and the darned cycle would fail and we were back to egg-on/get-egged-on. All said and done, atleast she was not being irrational about it.

All I can say is that take your said relatives with a pinch of salt and make sure you don't let them ruin your day.

Whatever you choose to do (as I just saw from your previous post), my good wishes are there with you as always.

Celia said...

You know babe, no matter how you end up a parent, you can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself too. People are so quick to tell you to keep trying when every try is a knife through your heart. My illustrious inlaws have said that their half-granchildren( I hate that term but that is what they mean) are not as "real" as Peter. Screw them. They are not invited to their FULL BLOODED ( god, it's like they are in Syltherin or something) grandchild's first Christmas because they are assbags. But my much loved stepmom is. They can take their genetic link and shove it. People are already hounding us to try again. I know they mean well, but it's not them climbing back into the stirrups.

loribeth said...

Can I say how brilliant this post is? Seriously. Especially the last part. You have expressed my own thoughts exactly. Thank you! said...

I'm glad to hear you are happy and getting healthy and having some fun!!!

gah, family! That's one reason I'm dreading the holidays! They'll ask me tons of questions about this pregnancy but they didn't give a fuck about either of my miscarriages or how they affected me. Asshats.

In the end it's you and your dh and however you choose to live you have to do what's best for you guys. Sanity included! and bah to everyone else.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry some of your family hasn't been able to be supportive. They probably think they are, in their own way. There was some question as to the paternity of my brother's second son (long story), and I watched my folks struggle for four years to accept him they way they do my older nephew. It's hard to watch, even harder for my brother, I know.

I love this blog and her BFF's blog on embryo adoption: Check it out. :)

Negative Nelly said...

Families are so behind us...I'm really really hoping they'll catch up. Maybe some literature on adoption or something could help them catch up. Otherwise leave their butt behind because you and your child to be do NOT need those people in their life. Sometimes family are the worst.

So happy that you've made that step towards the decision though!! Wishing we could, but it's not an option.

Good luck!

rebecca said...

Came across your blog through a comment I saw you posted on another blogger. My husband & I are also pursuing embryo adoption and wanted to stop by and say hello as well as offer support. I'm sorry not everyone has been as supportive towards you with this decision. We also chose to move this direction due to the cost and loss we have endured. Hoping things go smoothly for you and your family members can become more accepting and supportive of your decision. As you said its so hard for others to understand who haven't experienced it. Sending hope for strength as you continue your journey.