Monday, November 29, 2010

Release-

Honestly, for the most part right now, I'm very happy. I don't feel pressured, I don't feel like I need to keep pushing myself, giving everything I've got; I can stop and really breathe. I can pick up and go somewhere without worrying about appointments, what day I am, what pills I need, etc... I'm not tied to infertility's timetable anymore.

I can't describe the release I've felt since I decided to move on. I feel like our lives are new again, and we can do whatever we want. I can smile, I can lose that weight, I can spend that money instead of making compromises. I know that we haven't been putting as much in savings this past month, but I got some dental work done and bought more for the nieces/nephews than usual. And the spending will probably be the same next month, need more dental work done and need to buy more presents!

Mostly, I feel like I'm actually moving forward again. And that's the most amazing feeling.

During treatments it was always the same thing, over and over. The same failure over and over. Things are different now, sure it's the same things mostly, but I can focus on other things, try to accomplish other things, try to accomplish nothing if I want. I am not focusing on the next failure, I'm focusing on what may be possible.

(That's not to say we didn't live our lives while we were trying, because we did. It was just that things were always tainted by trying, by fertility expenses, by miscarriages, by failure.)

One of my big goals, trying to lose 40lbs by July. That will put me 10lbs under my pre-trying/miscarriage weights. It's doable, I just need to really stick to my guns. I need to walk/jog at least 30 minutes every other day, more than that would be even better. Also watching my calories, which is a great idea anyway. That hasn't been so hard this time around, the Metformin has really helped with that... the upped dose or the ER version, whatever, it's actually working. The more I'm on it, the more I'm noticing it's effects. It's awesome.

In addition to that, paying off the rest of our medical debt and putting more into savings. We've been working on this for awhile, and we're going to keep working at it. I finally have all my medical bills from my surgeries earlier this year taken care of. Woohoo! All my other bills should be cleared by April at the latest, so that will be awesome! The only debt we have is medical, well and my student loans... but no credit card debt or anything for us. So that makes things easier on the credit front, not as much to clear up.

Eventually I need to call my RE. I really do. I know I do, I just don't want to. But I need some Provera or birth control pills. I also need to touch base and talk about odds, whether we'd still be able to do donor embryos with them if we received some. Really, I don't want to take my temperature either, but I know I'll need to eventually if I want to confirm that I haven't ovulated and therefore won't be starting a new cycle anytime soon. But again, I really don't want to. I don't want go anywhere near things related to trying, I don't want to be reminded of it, I don't want to be bothered with it anymore. Someday, sure it might be a whole other thing, and when we do donor embryos I'll go back to it (sort of)... but for now, today, this week, this month... I don't want to.

For now, I just want to continue learning how to love life again.
It feels good right, like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I need to do.

8 comments:

Kelly said...

"For now, I just want to continue learning how to love life again.
It feels good right, like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I need to do."

I really love this last sentence!

Melis.sa said...

Awesome job on paying off stuff!! I love having that stuff set up with the end in sight!!

I hope you get to really savor the holidays with your dh and these great feelings.

I really liked the ER metformin too. I felt like it helped tremendously with the sweet cravings and helped me drop the last ten pounds doing WW.

((HUGS))

BU said...

I'm glad you're feeling at peace with your decision. I know it's tough but I think when I finally put down my thermometer, it was the best thing I ever did. It was very freeing.

iamstacey said...

I'm so excited for you that you're embracing life! You've got plans! It's so good you were both able to see what you needed most and go for it.

kkasun said...

Good for you! I completely understand not wanting to temp. I hated it and could onoly force myself to do it for a couple months. I would think about it in my sleep and it would be the first thing on my mind EVERYDAY!
Congrats on your new outlook!!!

Negative Nelly said...

I'm refusing to temp. I've only POAS 3 times (but done the spit one everyday:). I too, feel free. Good for us! YAY! I won't be getting a BFP for christmas because I didn't ovulate...but I'm not stressing about it either. Hoping the holiday season is full of blessings for you.

Kristin said...

I am so glad to read a post like this. It is really good to see you feeling content and I hope someday soon to see you experience true unbridled joy.

Negative Nelly said...

http://negativenellyflips.blogspot.com/2010/12/cherryo.html

Cherry on top award! because we're both taking a breather....but you've been at it longer.