Release-

Honestly, for the most part right now, I'm very happy. I don't feel pressured, I don't feel like I need to keep pushing myself, giving everything I've got; I can stop and really breathe. I can pick up and go somewhere without worrying about appointments, what day I am, what pills I need, etc... I'm not tied to infertility's timetable anymore.

I can't describe the release I've felt since I decided to move on. I feel like our lives are new again, and we can do whatever we want. I can smile, I can lose that weight, I can spend that money instead of making compromises. I know that we haven't been putting as much in savings this past month, but I got some dental work done and bought more for the nieces/nephews than usual. And the spending will probably be the same next month, need more dental work done and need to buy more presents!

Mostly, I feel like I'm actually moving forward again. And that's the most amazing feeling.

During treatments it was always the same thing, over and over. The same failure over and over. Things are different now, sure it's the same things mostly, but I can focus on other things, try to accomplish other things, try to accomplish nothing if I want. I am not focusing on the next failure, I'm focusing on what may be possible.

(That's not to say we didn't live our lives while we were trying, because we did. It was just that things were always tainted by trying, by fertility expenses, by miscarriages, by failure.)

One of my big goals, trying to lose 40lbs by July. That will put me 10lbs under my pre-trying/miscarriage weights. It's doable, I just need to really stick to my guns. I need to walk/jog at least 30 minutes every other day, more than that would be even better. Also watching my calories, which is a great idea anyway. That hasn't been so hard this time around, the Metformin has really helped with that... the upped dose or the ER version, whatever, it's actually working. The more I'm on it, the more I'm noticing it's effects. It's awesome.

In addition to that, paying off the rest of our medical debt and putting more into savings. We've been working on this for awhile, and we're going to keep working at it. I finally have all my medical bills from my surgeries earlier this year taken care of. Woohoo! All my other bills should be cleared by April at the latest, so that will be awesome! The only debt we have is medical, well and my student loans... but no credit card debt or anything for us. So that makes things easier on the credit front, not as much to clear up.

Eventually I need to call my RE. I really do. I know I do, I just don't want to. But I need some Provera or birth control pills. I also need to touch base and talk about odds, whether we'd still be able to do donor embryos with them if we received some. Really, I don't want to take my temperature either, but I know I'll need to eventually if I want to confirm that I haven't ovulated and therefore won't be starting a new cycle anytime soon. But again, I really don't want to. I don't want go anywhere near things related to trying, I don't want to be reminded of it, I don't want to be bothered with it anymore. Someday, sure it might be a whole other thing, and when we do donor embryos I'll go back to it (sort of)... but for now, today, this week, this month... I don't want to.

For now, I just want to continue learning how to love life again.

It feels good right, like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I need to do.

The Thanksgiving that wasn't-

A year ago today we had our third miscarriage. It came as a hard blow for many reasons: because it came after almost 3 years of trying, two different fertility specialists, two previous miscarriages, our last injectable/IUI cycle that we could afford, and it was of course at the time of year we were supposed to be giving thanks.

Let's just say that I wasn't feeling the most thankful.

Granted I did give praise for small things, like the miscarriage being so early and therefore less painful physically. Also, it didn't drag itself out until Thanksgiving, instead it got the party started a few days beforehand.

I know that doesn't sound like much to be thankful for, but is was.

Of course, we didn't tell many family members about this right away. For the same reasons we didn't tell them about the first one right away (which if you remember, happened when we were getting ready to go to our nephews birthday party). But more than that, I think, we were just plain tired of telling them, "Yeah, we had another miscarriage." And getting a, "That's too bad" in response. We've never even got a chance to tell them "We're pregnant"... I doubt we ever will, but you never know I guess.

The holidays are already hard enough without that miscarriage being added on top of everything. We're swamped with baby talk, and everyone focusing on the children and new life that is such a given, so expected. Everyone focuses on who's there, while all it does is remind me of who isn't. What couldn't be. What we've lost. The possibilities that will never be realized.

I was at work when the nurse called me, and here I am a year later, at work again. But so much has changed. A year ago I was despondent, having got the news on my cellphone. The nurse told me how sorry she was, and all I could say was that I knew. I had known before it began. Here I am today, and just two weeks ago I told the nurse that I couldn't keep doing this, that we were at the end of the road, that we would no longer try for a biological child. Crying again. A year ago today, with all my fears realized, we began to accept that we might never have a biological child. Here I am today saying it out loud, barring a miracle, we are never going to have a biological child. So much stays the same in a year, yet how much can change.

I still miss my babies. Every last one of them.

I still don't feel at peace enough with my grief to face a round of "pass around the new baby" at Thanksgiving dinner. No thanks. My husband and I are going to enjoy each other's company, embrace our family of just two, and mourn while we give thanks. It's amazing how happy you can be when you're so terribly sad, that you can laugh even though your heart is broken.

Mmm, what day is it?

I keep forgetting what cycle day it is, and that's okay for the first time in a really long time.

It's a sort of lovely feeling, not paying out the ass for treatments, and not struggling with what's going to happen next. I've been playing video games, and just relaxing and entertaining myself. I haven't even been getting online all that often... I know, crazy! I've been playing video games a lot though. A lot a lot. Like, I have a slight addition. But I don't think we need an intervention just yet... not until after I beat this game.

I'm really excited about seeing Harr.y Pot.ter this weekend... like, schoolgirlsqueal-happydance excited. I'm really just enjoying the little things, and it feels good. It's like a huge weight has lifted, and I can really laugh with every fiber in me... not just the tatters of what was left. I still have my moments, and I know I always will no matter what, but right now I am happy.

I've been watching my calories and working out on the treadmill... definitely feeling the burn! Watching my calories has been easier since I started the Metformin XR, rather than the Regular Metformin that I had been taking. Maybe it also has to do with me being on 2,000mg instead of 1,500mg... I don't know. But, I'm less hungry- it's weird to feel full after a smaller portion, before I would still be starving. Still doing fairly well on it, although I have been having a little bit of gastrointestinal issues lately. But good overall.

My liver function test must have came back okay, or not worse at least, because my primary care physician didn't say anything about it. However, my Vitamin D levels have went back down, so I'm on a prescription Vitamin D regiment for 8 weeks again. Yippee skippy. Last time my level was 15, and we got it up to 53 after the 8 weeks. Since then, I've been taking 1,000iu of D3 a day in addition to the 400iu in my prenatal. Apparently that wasn't quite enough though... This time it was 29 I think... so not as bad, but still low. We'll see how this goes.

In my drive to take better care of myself, I made myself go to the dentist... and this morning, I had some cavities filled. Oh joy. But it was necessary, I was very close to needing a root canal or tooth extraction on two of them. And that would have cost a lot more, and been a lot more painful.

Next Tuesday marks one year since we had the last miscarriage. It's weird to say that... a year already. It doesn't seem like it was really that long ago though. At the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. That one I never even imagined working out, so I feel more detached from the whole experience... I knew it was damned before it began. But it still hurts. I still wish that it had worked out. I still miss what could have been.

We've only told a few select people about what's going on, and what we're hoping to do. Most people have been super supportive. Others, not so much.

A family member told me that since I'm saving up the money and trying to get healthier, that maybe once we had the money saved up we could try injectables again instead. Now maybe that could just be them trying to be "helpful", but this family member always goes back to why we can't keep trying for a biological child, or why we don't try X, Y, or Z. Now, yes- it could just be them trying to be helpful. But I know this family member well, and given a lot of other things they've said and done, I know that they aren't going to be as accepting of our child if it isn't ours biologically. They aren't as accepting of my sister's step-son, they've made a lot of comments about this. Claiming him as family one minute, but not the next. They've said things about other family members who aren't biologically related, or even my in-laws since they aren't biologically related to me... forget that fact that they are related to my husband.

And this pains me... as much as I could easily say "it's their loss", it would also be my child's loss of this family member. How would I explain this to a potential child, because I know they'll pick up on this attitude, even if the family member never out right says it. And that's something I'll have to figure out how to deal with.

I'm generally very sick of a few family members who continue to pressure me to keep trying to have a biological child. I can explain the costs, the pain, the miscarriages, odds of success/failure, the years of heart break and suffering- I can explain this to them until I'm blue in the lips, but they still keep pushing for this. It really pains me. I want them to just accept our decision, because it's my husband and I's life- not theirs. We haven't made any decisions lightly, we've put a lot of thought into this. We've been through a lot. We've done fertility treatments for 2 and a half years, maybe they can't understand this but that's a really long time in the realm of infertility. You can really go through a lot in that amount of time. I don't want people to second guess me, to tell me I'm "giving up", or try to give me advice, or judge me- I just want the people in my life to accept this decision.

The first year or two with infertility, this wasn't so bad because we were also hoping for a biological child. But now, it's like adding insult to injury. Like nothing I do is good enough. Biological child? Sure that'd be nice, but not having one isn't the end of the world. We have other options. And we can accept that not everyone is able to have a biological child. This is the world we live it. Not everyone walks away from fertility treatments with their original goal realized. Not everyone that wants to be parents can make that happen. That's life. It's not easy to accept, especially when you're on the receiving end, but it's the truth.

I imagine that for people with no fertility issues, that concept is hard to wrap your head around. Especially when you see the end goal, but not the struggle. Sure that women you know conceived finally after ten years, but do you have an idea how much pain she was in before that? Sure, someone you know went through several miscarriages before she was successful- but were you there holding her hand as she lost everything she ever wanted? Did you hold her hand through the contractions, did you offer her your time and support? People don't want to talk about infertility and loss, they don't want to be there for the process, it's like they don't want to understand. In some cases, we ourselves decide not to share because it's too painful. So how could they know... but in other cases, we try to tell them, we try to tell them so many times, but they still refuse to hear what we're really saying.

Sometimes you have to move on. Sometimes options become limited, your heart is moved in another direction, or you just can't bear to keep moving because you have nothing left to give. Maybe it's for one reason or another, or maybe it's for a lot of reasons. But eventually, you either succeed of you find a new option.

In the end, we generally know what's best for us and what we need to do.

I don't know where I'm going with this... just venting and thinking out loud I suppose.

Long story short, life goes on.

I'm here, I'm alive, and the world is still spinning even though we aren't planning on having a biological child anymore. Life hasn't gotten any easier, or more difficult, just different.

Off the beaten path-

My new cycle started, and I called my reproductive clinic. My doctor still only had about have the injectable medication we'd need saved up, and for a variety of reasons, we decided that this is the end of the road for now. We're going to take a new approach to things.

There are a lot of reasons we came to this conclusion. We're going broke throwing this kind of money at treatments each month, we haven't put any money into savings in awhile now. I'm sick of being poked, prodded, invaded; feeling like a failure when I fail to ovulate, when I fail to get pregnant, when I fail to stay pregnant. We're sick of feeling pressured into intimacy. We're sick of nothing ever working. Sick of responding to treatments one cycle, but not the next. Sick of never having answers. Sick of letting infertility make major life decisions for us, whether we leave a job or keep it, whether I start seriously working out or wait until after this cycle, whether we spend the money of other things like a car or clothing, or we give it another go. I'm sick of living in two week increments.

Continuing oral meds right now doesn't make sense. They work sometimes, and not others. I have to take double doses often, which makes my cycle very emotional when I fail to respond. And there's no guarantee they'll even work then. And they haven't been working, perfect timing, IUIs, everything lining up just right... nothing is working. While it seems like something to do in the meantime, it's still $500 a cycle if we add an IUI. It adds up... and while we're doing that, we can't save money for anything else.

An unmonitored cycle isn't something I want to do right now, I'd have to come in for a baseline still and that requires driving all the way out there and back- and that means the cycle would still cost about $100. And, I can't temp my basal body temperature effectively right now. Not working my shift like I am, I sleep at different times of the day, sometimes at night, sometimes during the day. I wouldn't know for sure if I ever ovulated, which means more blood work. More poking-prodding-invasiveness. More anxiety.

And doing any fertility treatment right now also means more steroids... which, I don't necessarily think it's good to stay on them for so long. I'm even wondering if they're part of the reason my blood pressure has been high lately... I know there are probably a lot of contributing factors, like my weight, insulin issues, I used to smoke, etc... but before being on the steroids my blood pressure had always been normal. With the same medical history, with the same weight, etc...

And then, emotionally, I'm just done. It's been 3 years and almost 8 months. We've spent 2 and a half years pursuing fertility treatments... that takes a toll on a person and a relationship. Some of it for the better, some of it for the worse. When we started trying to conceive, I was 22... I'm turning 26 in two months. Almost my entire early twenties spent trying to conceive, getting pregnant, and miscarrying repeatedly.

I'm not looking for suggestions, or advice, I'm just telling it like it is. This is where we are, and this is where we feel like we need to go next. That's not to say that in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years, that we won't feel differently. I'm not saying that we won't ever return to basic fertility treatments. I'm saying this is what we need to do for now, and this is what we're doing.

We're taking a break from trying to conceive a biological child, possibly indefinitely.

I will schedule a consult with my doctor in the next month just to touch base with her, talk about what she thinks our options are, whether she thinks donor embryos would be a good option for us, and I also need to ask her for some prescriptions for Provera and birth control pills... since I don't ovulate, I don't get periods, and as some of you know that increases my risk of endometrial cancer. I'd like to keep that risk to a minimum, so I need to stay up on taking medication to make me pseudo-normal. I think birth control pills might be a good idea, they'd keep my hormones and PCOS in check... and my PCOS has been running wild for awhile now.

We're going to refocus ourselves on embryo adoption. I'm going to start researching clinics in Ohio to see if any have an in-house program, other than my old clinic... who told me point blank I wouldn't qualify because I haven't done IVF or donor eggs. Don't get me started on that... I wish my current clinic had a program. But, I'm also going to email or call a few facilitating organizations for more information about how they operate. I actually have one organization in mind, and we feel pretty good about it... but I want to see what other options there are first before making a commitment.

While we research and save money for that, we're going to focus on our health, losing weight, and just enjoying life.

I'll still be blogging, although it might not be as frequent. But I know I can't stay away from this place for long, haha.

Much love to all my cheerleaders, all of your support has meant so much. I just want you all to know that.

Waste of tests-

Still a BFN at 14 days past ovulation. I'm just waiting for my new cycle to start so I can call my reproductive clinic for a baseline. Not spotting yet, so who knows if it will start tomorrow or not. My progesterone might have been higher than usual because of there being two follicles... however, my luteal phase is normally 14 days. I've had a few cycles where it was shorter, but the majority of the time it's 14 days. It's never been longer... so maybe by the end of the day tomorrow something will be happening.

Waiting waiting waiting.

I had a moment of weakness on the internet and bought myself a pretty dress online. In my defense, it was on clearance. Still a bit expensive though... and it's a renaissance styled dress, so unless I'm feeling really ballsy or eccentric, I might not get much use out of it. But I really wanted it... (*sigh*) I have buyers guilt now, because I should have put that money into savings or left it for bills... but the dress looked so pretty, and I've been feeling down, so I talked myself into buying it for myself as a "feel better about yourself" present. Maybe I will just make it be part of my holiday present... sure.

Ungh. Oh well, I'm excited to get it and see what it looks like on me. It'll probably look terrible... almost everything I look at and go "Ooo, that's pretty!", it ends up looking horrible when it's actually on me. I like a certain style of clothing, but my body... doesn't like hardly anything. A majority of things look terrible on me. At the plus size store I have to try everything on before I buy them, especially tops because some fit right in some areas but not others, some make me look nine months pregnant (thanks PCOS belly), and some make me look like a hobbit because they're too long and I'm far too short... yeah. If shopping in a store is so hard, makes you wonder why I'd be stupid enough to buy online... where I can't try it on before purchasing. Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing. It's okay.

Ow ow ow-

So first off, I am having a hell of a week. I am super whiny. And apparently there's nothing really wrong.

Between the sore throat, everyday migraines, congestion, hand rashes, extreme shoulder pain over the weekend, constant exhaustion, and excessive running into things... yeah, it's just been one of those weeks. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams.

According to my doctor I am fine though, other than my blood pressure being slightly elevated. So I am going to go with it's all stress and sleep deprivation related. Which all stems from me working all sorts of extra hours this past week... hours I neither asked for, nor wanted. I am hoping this week is kinder on me. Otherwise, I am either going to reevaluate my current sleep schedule... or my current job schedule/situation. While I enjoy that I hardly have to do anything at work, I get very bored and the lack of sleep is difficult. I'm getting too old for staying up all night... there, I said it. I am no longer a spring chicken.

Anyway, I'm having my liver function levels tested again, since I have to do this periodically (because I have Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Syndrome, and I'm on Metformin). I also asked my doctor to rerun my Vitamin D levels, since it's been awhile. I just want to make sure I'm taking the right dose. I personally think I probably need a higher dose, but we'll see.




Oh, yeah- still BFN. Like I said.

Bah.

Well, that sucks-

Blaring negative just now at 11 days post ovulation. I know it's early still, but I used the super sensitive tests (can pick up 10 hcg), and I've always had a positive by now if I was going to get one at all.

So... that sucks.

I don't get it. I really don't.

Part of me wonders if this is for the best though.

I used to ask the universe "Please let me get pregnant," but now I simply ask, "Please, don't let me get pregnant if I can't have a take home baby." Getting pregnant would be nice, but I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Perhaps me not even being able to get pregnant anymore is a sign that I should let go already.

I'm not one for signs, faith, or even science anymore. I generally believe that whatever is going to happen, will happen, and fuck how it affects everyone. But... I guess I'm grasping here. But, not getting pregnant could be a blessing in disguise. And maybe, just maybe, it means something.



Or it could just be another sad mind-fuck on the path of infertility. Another layer to my grief. Not even another chance at pregnancy, no last try, no final attempt. Just... this. Another thing taken away from me and forced out of my hands. Another thing that I'll always wonder about.

I don't know. But blessing in disguise, or not, it sucks.

sleep deprivation-

Ungh. My sleep has not been what one would call whole this week. It comes in bursts, interrupted segments. I am really annoyed with my boss right now, because I am exhausted and I'm not feeling well, and I am just pissy. I'm sleep deprived, I'm agitated, achy, and BBLLLAAAAAHHHHH.

I've woke up with a migraine the past, oh, 4 days. Been taking lots of Tylenol, it helps some... but not much. I am very sore, lots of shoulder tension, neck pain. Still a little congested, but it's not productive congestion.

I also beamed my head on the corner of my CD rack today while I was cleaning, so now I have a bruise on my hairline above my forehead. I iced it up so the bruise isn't very visible, but I can definitely feel it. My teeth are also bothering me, but I really really don't want to go to the dentist. I think it's more my gums than my teeth... I don't know what's up with them. But, I'm annoyed.

I feel like I'm just falling apart this week. I don't feel good. When I don't feel good I am super whiny... so... sorry about the whining.

Anyway, since it's after midnight, I am officially 8 days past ovulation.

I don't know when I'm going to test. I have one test at home, and I don't really want to buy more... sooo, I'm going to try and hold out until 12 days past ovulation. Which I think is Monday. But you all know how that goes with me and willpower... I'm a *POAS addict. But I'm going to try and stay strong.

Speaking of willpower though... I haven't bothered temping this entire cycle, you should be proud of me. I just decided I didn't feel like it, didn't need to because of the monitoring, and I'm working such crazy hours it's probably a good thing I'm not charting.

Is it the weekend yet? I'm really looking forward to a good solid day off.

* POAS= Pee On A Stick

5dpo-

So it's 5 days past ovulation (or I hope it is); it's 5 days past the IUI at least. On one hand I'm like, "wow, has it really been 5 days?" On the other, it feels like time is dragging.

I've been finding things to occupy myself with. Work helped me with that by giving me more hours, despite the fact that I specifically asked to not have more hours. Ungh. Just chanting to myself that I'm not going to complain though, because we do need the extra money... (*sigh*) So... rocking it vampire style, going to be sleeping all day and working most nights.

Had a decent Halloween; it's my second favorite holiday. I didn't go all out this year though, and I didn't really get in the mood. We barely decorated, our party called it quits early, we didn't make new costumes and just reused some from a few years ago, none of us were really in our normal festive moods. I did at least light my candles to remember the dead, briefly, and I did make my traditional dinner... but just really wasn't feeling it this year.

We passed out candy in our costumes. It was fun to see all the little kids in theirs, although I noticed that like none of them said "trick or treat" and only about half said "thank you". We had to yell out to some groups that we had candy, despite the fact that we were sitting on the porch in costumes with bowls of candy on our laps with the porch light on... seriously. And then the groups were like, "Oh!" and came over... this happened several times, we think they just weren't sure what to make of us since there were 4 of us in costumes on the porch. But it was amusing. Felt a little bittersweet about it, because I love the holiday and can't wait to have my own little one to dress up and share traditions with...

Oh, and it was pretty chilly out. And we didn't wear coats, just our costumes. I didn't feel that cold in the costume at the time... but the husband and I both woke up the next day with sore throats, headaches, and I am slightly congested with a very minor cough. Awesome. So we might be coming down with something, because I feel like crap. But instead of being home in bed trying to feel better, I'm sitting here at work... staying awake and feeling like crap. Double awesome.

Anyway, back to the cycle chit-chat... so, like usual I'm not really expecting much from this cycle but I guess I could be surprised. This is my 7th ovulatory cycle since the ovarian drilling, and my 3rd IUI since then.

Compare that to my 5 ovulatory cycles with 2 IUIs, which resulted in 3 pregnancies before the drilling...

Just saying. I used to have a pregnancy rate of like 60%, and now it's 0%.

Granted I didn't ovulate at all in 2007.

I only ovulated 2 times in 2008, and got pregnant 1 time.

I ovulated 3 times in 2009, with 2 IUIs, and got pregnant 2 times.

Ovulated a whopping 7 times this year, with 3 IUIs, and no pregnancies so far...

Yeah, that doesn't make it sound any better, does it?

I definitely feel like something else is broken now. Don't know what, since everything looks good on both ends for most of these cycles, and my tubes and everything got a once over during the laproscopy/hysteroscopy... but it feels like something must be broken since it's just not happening anymore.

I know that sometimes it just doesn't happen, odds are only 25% or so each cycle, and anything can be going on, plus several of these cycles only had one follicle, etc etc etc... but seriously, this is not normal for me at all. And it just makes me doubt my bodies ability to even get pregnant. I don't know. But I'm definitely not the most hopeful.

Yet part of me keeps telling myself that it could still happen...

So, yeah, I am a bit of a masochist.