Onward-

Well, it is cycle day one (finally!) So I guess I must have ovulated after all- I have no idea what it up with my basal body temperature being everywhere. Oh well, I guess. I'm not going to going to try not to temp this next cycle. We'll see how that goes! I'm not too upset about not being pregnant this cycle, I am just glad that this long confusing cycle is over with!

So I will call my RE in the morning, and hopefully I'll be able to get in for a baseline Monday or Tuesday. Hoping to take Femara this cycle, with monitoring. Not sure how that will go, but we'll see.

What it really means to lose a baby, to be infertile-

Not having 99.9% of the people in your life understand what you're going through, even as you walk through hell.

Feeling selfish for not being there for other pregnant women, when really you are often incredibly selfless, listening to them talk about their pregnancies when you are in so much pain, wanting to relate but not saying a word because you don't want to make them uncomfortable. But you hardly ever get extended the same courtesy.

But still, we have limits. Not attending baby showers is one. The pain is so acute, being surrounded by all these people who will have everything you ever wanted, but may never have. Being reminded of what you have lost, and will never get back. And having no one get it, when you can't handle it. Skipping the shower, and wondering if they're talking about you behind your back, if people are judging you, saying your selfish, labeling your pain as unreal- when it is all too real, and amplified by the littlest things, that no one will ever get.

Having unfulfilled dates circled on a calendar.

Missing you babies every day of your life, even as no one misses them with you.

Remembering them in silence, because other people get uncomfortable when you bring them up. Which makes you feel like you are crazy, that you should be over it- when this is normal, it's just everyone else doesn't get it. You never get over losing a baby- anyone who says otherwise is crazy. Grief doesn't go away, it just gets integrated into your life, until you become one with your grief.

Having pregnancy change from something special, to just another medical condition. No expectations, no guarantees- only the hope that it will result in a healthy living baby.

Having a positive test, and crying because you're scared, happy, sad, mourning, overwhelmed, incredibly fragile. Telling your significant other, and having them barely even acknowledge it because it hurts too much anymore. Remembering how it was the first time, and won't ever be again. For me, it's remembering the first, the second, the third- and how each time the light died a little more in my husband's eyes. How I felt a little more broken. How I felt a little more detached. How I grew more fearful with each loss.

Having to make the conscious decision to try again, because you can't leave anything up to fate. It doesn't work like that when you're infertile- you have to decide, and pay money, to try again. Knowing all the while what it means, what could happen again, and that all your effort/pain/money/hope could be felled with one swift blow.

When you go through multiple losses, you go through repeated testing trying to find the cause. Testing that can be painful, invasive- that a normal woman would never have to go through. More testing on top of all the infertility testing- more insult to injury. Wondering why this keeps happening to you. Often never getting answers.

Having your broken heart fragment even further.

Having all sorts of emotions and pain attached to so much, the infertility interwoven with the pregnancy loss pain, sometimes not being able to tell why something bothers you so much, only knowing that it does. And often, one amplifies the other.

That is, the pain of infertility grows more bitter as you remember your loss. Like salt in a wound. Or your loss seems more powerful because you tried so hard for that pregnancy, and yet you lost it anyway. Your infertility more acute because you know that pregnancy doesn't guarantee a living baby- yet you go through the treatments, knowing the risk. It makes each decision more heavy, more filled with the burdens of history and possibility.

That's not to say that pregnancy loss by itself isn't painful- it is. Immensely so.
That's not to say that infertility by itself isn't painful- it is. Incredibly so.

I don't know how much each would affect me differently by themselves, if they weren't a whole. How my life would be different if I was only infertile. If I only had one miscarriage. If I only suffered repeat miscarriages. If I was dealing with them separately, instead of all at once.

I'm sure each, on their own, would feel like this.
Like even the sun rising each morning isn't guaranteed. Like my heart is heavy with the burden of what I've lost. Like the world is spinning topsy-turvy and it will never be right again. That everything has came unglued, the world unmade.

But this is what I know- I am infertile. And I have suffered multiple miscarriages.
And the world goes on, whether I want it to or not. The sun keeps rising each day. My heart is heavy, but it is still my heart. The world is spinning in the same way it has for ages. The world has not came unmade- only my world has.

Waiting it out~

First of all, I would like to take a moment to remember my niece. Twelve years ago on the twenty-first of August, she was born sleeping. My sister was 42wks pregnant, when her daughter's heartbeat stopped. She was a beautiful baby, perfect in every way. She is still, to this day, very much missed. None of us were prepared for it. I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for that.

It seems surreal that she would be twelve this year, had she lived. Twelve, a pre-teen. I want to picture it so badly, but I can't seem to. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed, but at the same time it feels like eons since then.

Love you baby girl.

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I still don't know what's going on with my cycle- just waiting it out. Can't tell what's going on with my temperature, it's still kind of all over the place. I may or may not have ovulated... it's never been such a guessing game before. It's frustrating. If I did ovulate I may be 8 days past ovulation. If I did, which is a huge IF right now.

I know I don't always have the most supportive family, and my friends aren't always there for me either- but I am thankful for so many of them. My mom, as crazy as she is, has been keeping us and our adoption wishes in her thoughts when she hears of someone who may be putting their child up for adoption. My friends too. They're keeping their ears open, and treading these waters with us. And that means a lot to me, even if nothing comes from it. Because I know they are thinking about us, and our situation. And they want us to be parents, as much as we want to be parents. And who knows, maybe one day we will meet our child this way.

A few things-

I responded to comments in the last post, if you asked just check back in the comment section.

I also added my FertilityFrie.nd ticker at the very bottom of the blog- with a link to my chart, for those of you who are curious.

Speaking of FertilityFri.end- it thinks I'm 3 days past ovulation today. I am a bit skeptical- my temperatures are not entirely accurate due to sleep patterns, so I would advise holding off on getting excited about that until I see what my temps do in the next couple of days. Now I did feel like I was having ovulation pains on Saturday, but that doesn't mean a thing really. So we wait.

I called my doctor before my temperature went up today, and I let them know I still haven't ovulated. They told me to call back on either cycle day 1 or cycle day 35, in which case I would come in for blood work. Boo. My old clinic let me start progesterone whenever to end a cycle. I don't like waiting forever to start progesterone, because that means that my next cycle is that much more delayed. I repeat- boooooooooo. So, waiting to see what my temps do. Otherwise, I'm still stuck waiting.

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I'm really excited for my brother's other sister (they have the same dad)- they've just started the adoption process. I am so happy for them. They've been trying to conceive for a very long time, and just started on the paperwork.

It's been good having someone in real life to talk about this stuff with, someone who has been there and gets is. I really am so thrilled for her, and eager for more news. She's going with the agency we may be using in the future, so I'm hoping that it will be a learning opportunity for us as well.

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Sister-in-law is due next month- they're having her baby shower this Sunday, apparently. I wasn't invited. This is the one her mother is throwing for her. They sent me an invite to the first baby shower- the dual one with her friend. But they didn't send me one this time. I don't know if it's because I already let her know I wouldn't be attending, or what. But I let her know I wouldn't be at the first one either, so I'm just confused as to why they would send me an invite to one but not the other. I wouldn't have even known about this one, except one of her friends asked on her FB wall, and she let them know when and where it is.

I'm mostly ignoring that she's due next month, and trying to focus on the fact that it's A-s birthday next month. Except the whole her being due that same week keeps popping up. Even when I mention his birthday to A-, he says things like "She'll probably have the baby on my birthday. Then my birthday won't matter anymore at all." Meaning to his family. His birthday doesn't mean much to them anyway, and with this baby coming he knows that it will mean even less. He hid her updates on FB, I think it bothers him more than he's letting on- his younger sisters having children before we do.

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I haven't colored or cut my hair since I confirmed I was anovulatory and infertile. Two years, and 9 months... I've maybe trimmed two inches of dead-ends off of it in all that time. Don't ask me why I haven't done anything with it in all this time, because I honestly don't know. I just felt like it. And now, it's getting really long and it has no style or shape. I think it's time for a trim. So, hopefully this Friday, I will visit a salon in the first time since my freshman year of high school.

I'll be kind of sad to see it go, it took a really really long time to grow it out this long. My hair grows so slowly! And, this hair has been with me through it all- the treatments, the miscarriages, the heart breaks. But it's time for a change. Here's to hoping that I don't regret it.

Fumbling with peace-

I haven't been an emotional train wreck, but I haven't been the happiest person lately either.

I still haven't had any indication of ovulation, and it's cycle day 21 now. My lower abdomen near my ovaries hurt, so I don't know if I have a cyst or something else is going on. I've done 10 Clomid cycles and never had a cyst from it though, so who knows. I am debating about calling the doctor today or tomorrow- I'm honestly a bit bummed that I didn't respond. I get so sick of not making eggs. But it was not totally unexpected. I did know this was a possibility. I know I can try Femara again though, maybe in a few weeks. And maybe I'll respond to it again- I did respond to it two cycles in a row, which is more than I can say for Clomid.

But it's more time wasted. Which, again, I knew was a possibility... but it still makes me sad. Time just keeps flying by, or inching, depending on how I'm feeling about things. And it just feels like it's going to take all that much longer until I get to parent a child.

I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really dim sometimes that I wonder if it's off. But I know that in the next year we should be in a better place credit-wise to buy a house. I'm hoping to get a different or additional job to help save the money for adoption. And after that, we are tentatively planning on talking with the county children's services to see about taking the fostering classes to possibly pursue older child adoption or foster to adopt. And after that we eventually hope to possibly pursue domestic infant adoption. I just have to keep reminding myself, over and over, that we have a plan and it is attainable. We can do this.

I guess the real hard decision, for me, is when to say enough is enough. When do we willingly stop fertility treatments? As I respond to the pills, it makes me want to keep trying them. But at the same time, it costs money that we could be putting in the savings account. Doing treatments is one of the many reasons I haven't already been applying for a different job- right now my hours are flexible, I get the times I want off... I have no guarantees a new employer would allow that. But I don't ovulate without the medication- I don't even always ovulate on the medication.

It's such a hard decision. We decided to take a break over the winter, but I can't help but wonder if we should just push through and just stop trying after April altogether instead. April is our 4 year anniversary of trying to conceive, and it seems like a good place to throw in the towel. At the same time, I don't know if I entirely want to throw in the towel yet. I mean, I can better visualize adoption than pregnancy anymore (and I'm FAR more excited about adoption)- but some small part of me doesn't want to let go yet.

I just don't know what we're doing, or what we're going to do anymore. I am all over the place.

But I can tell you that at some point I got hopeful again- and that hurts.

My husband got hopeful again- and watching him lose hope again, is extremely painful.

I'm glad we have a plan for now, it helps put things into perspective. When I do that I feel peace for a moment knowing that we have a plan and things will happen- it will just take more time, is all. But then I have moments where everything seems impossible, the weight of over 3 and a half years of infertility combined with three failed pregnancies, is crushing. The life I want seems impossible, meanwhile the life I used to want is impossible. Meaning, the life I wanted, the easy pregnancy and simple life, is no longer attainable. But that's almost okay, because I don't want that anymore. The life I want, a mother with a family built with lots of love, weathered but not broken, wiser than I used to be, more patient- that is possible, it only seems impossible. Sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever be a mother. Then I try to remind myself that I will be, it will just take more time and effort. But I will be.

On a side note...

November makes a year since my last miscarriage... a year. It still seems surreal that I was pregnant twice last year. Twice. Two pregnancies. Two miscarriages. Bringing my total up to three. I can't believe how much time has passed, and is passing.

Sooooooooo-

Cycle day 17 and still no sign of ovulation. This dose had worked for me in the past, but I guess it just doesn't want to right now. Or maybe not ever again.

Can't say I'm surprised- if there was an award for failing to respond to treatments, I would be an all time champ. On the few cycles of Clomid I did respond to, it has always been before now.

I'm feeling like this cycle is a bust- so all those hot flashes were likely for nothing. Again.

I haven't decided when I want to call my doctor about this cycle. I am going to give it a few more days, but I am really not expecting much.

Cycle regret-

Soooo, I'm starting to regret not getting monitoring this cycle. A little bit.

Yeah. Other than those hot flashes, I ain't feeling nothing here. And since I'm not being monitored, I ain't got a clue what's going on. I am cycle day 14, charting away on my thermometer and waiting. If I respond, it should be any day now... because if I'm going to respond to Clomid at all, it's always about 8 days after my last pill... and today is 7 days after.

One moment I'm not stressing it and I don't care, whatever.

Then the next moment I'm like... "What the hell was I thinking? I can't trust my body to do anything, and yet I just put it on autopilot with a jacked up system with hope it'll reach the destination without crashing in a firey blaze of doom!"

Awesome.

Okay, so maybe not quite to that extent. But this is what happens when I take a break. I can't trust my body, even on medication, to do what it should. But I'd still rather have that chance, and wonder if I will respond, then spend all month knowing that nothing is going to happen- because that's what happens on a true break.

No use regretting it now I suppose. If I don't see a temp rise by the end of the week, or next week, I will assume this cycle is a bust and call the doctor. If I didn't even try to respond I may be able to take more medication this month. If nothing else it will realign my cycles so that my mid-cycle falls on a better day of the month... that's something I suppose.
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I bought some Pre-seed for this cycle, and rather than order it online (because I didn't want to wait for shipping) I bought it at CVS- because, they carry it now. The girl was so odd at the register- I love making cashiers uncomfortable by buying family planning products, it's just so awesome. Let me tell you. But this girl, just wow. She kept giving us this look, was really short with us, and then she was like "Do you want a bag for this?"

Ummm... seriously? No, that's cool. You can just leave my personal lubricant out of the bag, I want to show it off. Because I want everyone in CVS and the parking lot to see my lubricant and know that it's for "seriously fun baby-making", as advertised. I mean, seriously? She knew what it was because it made her uncomfortable, but she still had to ask. Just. weird.

On fire-

I was all like, "Why is my face on fire? It's not that hot in here, but my skin is burning up!"

And then I was like, "Oh, right. Hot flashes. Thanks infertility." Haha.

I pretty much forgot that I took Clomid this cycle. I mean, I remembered in the back of my mind... but I was ignoring it. Until I started getting bad hot flashes this morning, and now I can't. Because. My face. Is on fire.

Cycle day 10 I believe, and still not expecting much. Side effects don't even always give me an indication that it's working, only that it is at least trying to. My body doesn't always follow through though.

Anyways.... Off to put some ice on my face.

(*chirp-chirp*)

There isn't much going on these days- drama filled, yes. Anything I can't handle- no. Things have taken a step down, the atmosphere feels clearer. My sleep pattern is all out of whack still, and I'm a little incoherent and forgetful lately.

I finish the Clomid today, and then on with the infinite waiting to see what happens. Again, not holding my breath here- this is sort of a mini-break for us (a chance to Ov, but no monitoring or anything).

Someone asked about injectables last post- well, we use about $2,000 worth of injectables a cycle, because I'm even pretty resistant to them. Coupled with all other out of pocket costs, my high miscarriage rate... we aren't willing to throw that kinda of money down again. Our third injectable cycle resulted in a pregnancy, yes- but, it was the shortest lived one yet. And that was after $6,000 worth of meds on three cycles (not counting cost of blood work, or ultrasounds, trigger shot, progesterone, etc... first cycle the monitoring cost more than the medicine would have, the other two cycles were with another clinic and not as exuberant).

Now, I did get all my meds for free on those 3 cycles (donated, and through a drug company's program) but I can't get them free again. And knowing how I respond, and how many cycles it took... three cycles of injectables could be almost half the cost of adoption... but with adoption, we have more of a guarantee that we'll walk out with a living child. Whereas we paid all this, did all this, and even if pregnancy is achieved... there's no guarantee I would get a take home baby.

My doctor would love for me to do injectables again, she really wants us to consider it- but with my odds? I can't put that kind of money down again without a heavy heart. I'd just rather put the big money towards adoption at this point- I'm tired of waiting to be a mother. And while, yes, if it worked out it would totally be worth it- the other side of the coin is this- if it doesn't, we're out all that money and even further away from being able to afford to adopt.

That's one of the reasons we decided not to try IVF. If I had medical insurance coverage for infertility, I would jump on an injectable cycle or IVF. But since we don't and are saving the money ourselves, and calculating the cost of everything, it comes down to the ratio for potential success versus how much further off that will offset us from our end goals- becoming parents.

I don't know when trying to conceive became such a big math and accounting problem- but it did. Ha, another thing they didn't warn you about in s.ex-ed class- right? If you have $3,000 and it takes $16,000 for infant adoption versus your risk factor of 0/3 pregnancy success rate, coupled with the stubborn ovary factor; which is the better deal?

See, incoherent right here. Not very awake at all...

Given our current options, we have opted to stick with cheaper tries as we save money for adoption. Saving is going slllooowwww. But, after these medical bills are paid off and such, it should go much better. Right now, I have more faith in adoption. I don't have any faith in my reproductive organs- they're evil bitches.

At least, that's the conclusion I've come to.

So, still sticking with the current plans for now.

And for some reason I agreed to keep working the graveyard shift until, like, next year... uh, yeah. I'm very incoherent all the time, and exhausted. But I really can't complain- I check the security cameras, I listen for the crisis line, make sure that the residents in the shelter have what they need... and I spend most of the night doing whatever I want to (usually watching St.ar Tr.ek or other stuff online... like right now). I'm not really willing to give up such a leisurely position as of yet... I'll just keep looking until next year, and see what comes up in the meantime. I figure, I just spent 3 years trying to conceive and failing, the last 5 years pulling myself through college full-time while working 20-40 hours a week... I now only work two days a week, and other than appointments and cleaning the house- I am unencumbered. I deserve this break. I need this break. So while the hours are not ideal, I can not complain. It's what I need right now. And I am soaking it up.