changing-

Sister-in-law had her baby shower. I did not go, as was already decided months ago. I did look at the pictures on FB though. She looked so happy, glowing even. Everyone looked so thrilled and all the decorations echoed that feeling.

I am extremely glad I chose self preservation over trying to tough it out.

I don't know if it would have been bearable, had my only issue been the infertility. Maybe I would have tried to tough it out if that was all. Maybe. I don't really know about that, I like to think I would have but I truly can't say. But I do know that after all my miscarriages, there's no way I would not have survived that shower unscathed.

I feel like I have been, and will be, judged and admonished for taking the easy way out. Like people think I'm selfish and cowardly for ditching. But in this, it was the only way to protect myself.

My heart is busted, broken, bruised, scarred, in pieces- still- after all this time. It's almost been 6 months since the last miscarriage, and my heart still aches for all the things I've lost.

Not just my lack of ability to get pregnant, my lack of options to become a parent, but also the tangible loss of these three pregnancies. Those that were supposed to be the answer to all these trials and years of desire.

And yet I have lost, again and again and again.

I have lost my children, and I lack the ability to even conceive... I can't go to a party that specifically flaunts all the things I have lost. Not after three years of trying to become a mother. Not after three miscarriages. It's not just that I may never have a shower, not just that I may never have a viable pregnancy- but also that I should have had a baby shower by now. I should have had one 2 years ago. But I lost that pregnancy. I should have had one a year ago. But I lost that one too. I should be having one any day now, because I would have been due in early August. But I'm not, and I'm not. And it hurts.

Each pregnancy crushed a little more of my already broken heart.

What is pregnancy to me? It's not bows and ribbons, it's not laughter and promises- certainly not those. What is a baby shower anymore, in the face of all I've lost. I want other women to have that. I want them to enjoy it. I want for nothing to go wrong, not for anyone, not ever. I want them to have the bright colors, the joy, the smiles over toys, and laughter at anticipation- but from where I sit, that's not where I belong anymore.

Maybe someday... if things turn better perhaps... but I know that even then I will never truly feel that. Not what they feel, in their bright little world, so lost to me.

Life is changing, taking us for turns I never anticipated. Time is still passing us by, and I am watching everyone change- except us. I watch sister-in-law growing bigger with child, and I count off on the calender how long it's been since I lost each of my own. I lost my third one the week of Thanksgiving, she conceived hers around Christmas. Time never stands still. Here I am, half way to my birthday already. Creeping closer to another loss anniversary. Ageing, though not changing much- a little wiser, more weathered, more beaten, more stoic... but on the surface our life remains much the same.

Incomplete and uncertain.