Baseline-

I had my baseline and assurance beta (to get the clear for Femara) on Monday. Ultrasound looked good, no leftover cysts. Blood work was negative, of course- so we were cleared to start. We're on the same exact regiment as last time. I'm really not expecting much, given my track record. But we'll see, I guess.

It took a lot longer than expected at the appointment, they were really backed up. I am assuming it's because of people, like me, who tried to call and schedule an appointment over the weekend but were unable to because the phone lines were acting wonky... again. I know they have a new building, and there's still construction- but this is getting beyond annoying. Their clinic still has more pro's than my old one, and I still love my doctor... but it was an annoying day.

We were there like an hour to get in for my ultrasound, and after that we had to get the blood work- so back to the lobby we went. The whole time I kept averting my eyes from the very pregnant, very about to pop, receptionist/nurse. When did she get pregnant? my god. I never ever noticed- probably because we usually get to go right back to the ultrasound, and she never gets up from behind her desk- she's due in September, so it happened sometime after our last miscarriage... Just... wow.

I should go back on the 8th for my mid-cycle... I was sort of rushed out after everything, despite my extended waiting time, so we didn't actually get that scheduled. I have to call back today and do that. Probably when I get off work, since that's where I am right now. Can't wait to get home and get some sleep- but I do need to make some phone calls, order my HCG, get appointments set up, etc...

Another annoyance is that I'm on the hunt for a new ob/gyn for my yearly pap. See, I stopped seeing my old doctor for infertility when I switched to my old RE... and I didn't bother telling him, I just switched and stopped going after I was told I had ovulated (and I had in fact not, my P4 was only 1.4 that cycle). Also he handled my first miscarriage, and his staff was absolutely ignorant about infertility, anovulation, and miscarriages. Not very good bedside manner. My last pap I didn't have to see him, thank goodness. Of course, while I was there I found out they lost my records when they moved buildings... go figure.

If that wasn't enough though, I really want an ob/gyn who is in the same city as me. For now. Unfortunately none of the ones here are very well educated, some think they sub-specialize in infertility and reproductive disorders (by "sub-specialize" they mean they have "interest" in it, and have no real knowledge) The reviews online seemed to confirm these worries. But, I won't be seeing them for my PCOS, I'll be seeing them for just my pap... so does it really matter?

For me... I think it does. I mean they don't need to be a specialist, since that's unreasonable because they aren't specialist in that area, but I want someone who isn't ignorant either. My last doctor was more inclined to think I had something wrong with my pituitary gland, without any testing, and said that I only had mild PCOS (even though testing indicated this clearly). Umm, that sounds very scientific doesn't it? I want someone that is not going to offer their services thinking that they know better than my RE, or disagree with my RE's treatment plans and testing because I trust her and I know she knows her stuff, and I don't want someone who's going to say that I don't have PCOS- because all my testing says I do.

I don't know if any of that makes sense... I only have to see this person once a year, and will most likely see their nurse practitioner anyway- so it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. I know that if I ever got pregnant with a viable pregnancy (which feels impossible at this point) but if I did, I would be hunting down a totally different doctor anyway. So I don't know why I'm making this such a big deal, but there you have it.

I'm about to just point to a name in the phone book and give them a call, I swear.

Last call for entries-

This is the last call for entries for the free book give away!!!

Next up-

New cycle started today, right on time. I'll call tomorrow to schedule my baseline and blood work so we can move on. Hopefully I'll be able to get in Monday, after I get off work in the morning.

We are still thinking about adopting an older child in the future- through the state while we save money for private infant adoption, or even if we have a biological child. If we have a biological child, there is a very good chance that they would be the only one we ever have. Honestly, we wanted two to three children in our future. We're not ready to give up that dream. And adopting an older child would fulfill that desire, as well as give a stable loving home to a child who needs it.

I've been reading books about the adoption process and parenting after adoption. The one I'm reading right now is about parenting the adopted older child. I wouldn't say it's been scaring me, but it is a little bit intimidating. Mostly because you never know what kind of obstacles might come up depending on what the child has been through. Each situation is unique and it takes time to figure out how to handle them, make it better, and sometimes there isn't much you can do. The book is quite informative, and is easy enough to read with a lot of interviews with adoptive parents. It's not scaring me off, but making the reality of the situation even more real. I already knew it would be challenging, but this is showing me how it could be in more specifics.

My husband will definitely have to read it if we move forward with this. I may have to pass it to a few family members too, so they can really get it. Most people seem to think it is easy and there won't be immense challenges or struggles- but that's not reality. Raising an adopted child is like raising a biological child in some ways, but totally different in others. There are a lot more issues with identity, dealing with preconceived notions of what adoption is, and with older children there is a past and whole other former life that needs to be integrated and coped with.

Of course I have no experience with this, just what I've been reading. It doesn't seem overwhelming, and it's not scaring me- but it gives me things to think about and is certainly making me more aware than I was a few years ago.

tumbling-

The test said no.

Technically it's still early, but I feel out. I've always had a positive by now, if it was going to be a positive at all. I mean I could be surprised, but I don't think I will.

This is new for me. I've gotten pregnant on every other ovulatory cycle (8 months apart, but still it was every other ovulatory cycle). Here I am now with three ovulatory cycles, and no pregnancies. I know the odds of conceiving even on fertility treatments are still only like 25%, but I had managed to get pregnant so easily once we got my ovaries doing something. But not now. For me, it's not quite as disheartening as not responding to the treatments at all- but it's still disheartening. In a different way- by ovulating and not getting pregnant I get dragged back through this with the hopes of ovulating again, and maybe this time, maybe this time...

Then again maybe I'm looking at this wrong, maybe the universe is actually being kind. No, seriously. At least this way I can't have another miscarriage, right?

Next cycle, if we get the go ahead, we'll use the Femara again I think. I don't know how well I'll respond to it though, as I only made one follicle this time. And I do have a history of responding to something, and then just suddenly not responding to it anymore. It's frustrating.

I'm feeling rather depressed these days- I'm letting the financial issues of adoption overwhelm me. I was doing well there for awhile- but then I got to thinking about it again and it just seems like the time it will take is so far into the future, I may never reach it. Overwhelming. Deep breathes though, right? It will all be okay... I hope.

I think I'm going to start trying to take walks again, maybe it will help clear my mind (and if nothing else, maybe it will help my waistline).

Some more things-

First of all, progesterone draw results are IN.

For cycle day twenty-one, the number is... Fifteen.

So that's decent enough. And it confirms I did in fact ovulate... sooooo... I do not know what has been up with my basal body temperature. The last two days I did have a nice rise though, almost to my normal post-ovulation temperature. So... we keep waiting. I will probably test Tuesday or Wednesday- one of those days should be about 11dpo or so. I really don't know when I ovulated, I normally do the day of trigger or the day after- but this time, who freakin' knows.
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Also-
I have a poem being shared on Still Life 365 today- if you want to check it out click here for the link.

Still Life 365 is an awesome project for bereaved parents and family members who have experienced the loss of a child (any loss- miscarriage, still birth, SIDS, etc...). If you haven't checked it out yet, I do highly recommend it. Also, if you have experienced a loss and would like to contribute, you can. Just follow the submission guidelines. The only way the project can make it through to the end of the year is by people submitting, and so I hope that if you haven't that you will consider it. It is such a wonderful project.

This cycle SUCKS-

The title says it all.

It started out well enough- I responded to the Femara, I had one mature follicle, we triggered.

And then it went to hell in a hand basket.

Now maybe it's because of the Femara, or something weird is going on with my thermometer (highly doubt that, as it seemed to work fine when I tested it)... but in my 2 years of charting my basal body temperature, I like to think I've got my body figured out to a science. I know that after the trigger that temps aren't always reliable, I've charted after the trigger every single time- for me the temps always sky rocket and generally start high and rocky for 3 days before calming the fuck down (and then they still stayed above the coverline). So I was expecting that this time... and what did I get? No temp rise at all. Tuesday was five days after the trigger, and still no temp rise.

I would say that I am freaking out, but that would be an understatement.

Yeah, I know that some women will experience this and most people say to just stop temping while being monitored because the temps aren't as accurate- but in the past 2 years, with all these cycles, my BBT has always been accurate. Trigger or no trigger, medicated or not, ovulatory or anovulatory... it's always been accurate. I don't know what to think, unless the Femara made it extra wonky or there is just something else going on altogether...

I am frustrated.

I am also very emotional right now, and I keep almost crying at the drop of a hat. Is it the medicine, is it the frustration, the worry, the unknown, the timing of everything, the realization that I should have been due in 3 weeks with my last miscarriage- I don't know, but I am tried of feeling like this.

I got my doctor to agree to giving me a progesterone draw on Friday- because otherwise I am just going to drive myself insane. I started my progesterone vaginal supplements tonight, and I'm told it shouldn't affect the progesterone blood serum levels... so we'll see.

I feel like I am going batty and over-analyzing this, but seriously... this worries me.

Also, I've been having some cramping like I get pre-new cycle...

That's not helping one freakin' bit!

This cycle blows, and I just want it to be over with already.

I think I prefer my Clomid cycles now... (*sigh*)

Reminder: The free book drawing is still going on, and I haven't had any entries yet. Deadline is the 28th- free ttc book up for grabs! See previous post for details and to enter.

Free Book-

Okay- so here's what I am giving away...

One copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weshler. It's gently used and in need of a new home, because I really don't need it anymore (I'm a pro at this all by now unfortunately) It's still got the CD with the trial for the software online thing, I never used it.

When I was first starting out I found this book to be extremely helpful. Not only does it explain how to use Basal Body Temperature (BBT), cervical mucus (CM), and cervical position (CP) for the newbie, but it also explains what your hormones should be doing. This is the key thing here, what they should be doing. By knowing this, you can better learn what they are not doing.

This helped me a lot, because frankly the school system dropped the ball when it came to reproductive health where I live, and so did my parents. The issue of actual sexual education aside, I feel like they should have spent more time in health class covering what can go wrong reproductively. PCOS shouldn't be a taboo subject- not in health class. Learning what your body should be doing, spotting signs of a problem, should be routine in a health class. Just my two cents though... anyway, because of this and my negligent childhood, I seriously didn't know how a female cycle works. I mean, I knew you were supposed to have a period, but I didn't remember exactly how that works. We spent two days, in the entire school year, learning it. My mom never knew it, and she had 4 children. Not cool.

I didn't know a lot when we started trying to conceive- I had to buckle down and teach myself these things.

This book, among others, taught me a very important lesson- how to understand my own body. I didn't know about my own hormones, that I could actually track them, how they affected me physically with their presence and absence. I now find charting BBT a good way to confirm things, whether I need to confirm I have not ovulated yet, and therefore need to start progesterone for a withdraw bleed- or that I have, and it lets me gauge how things are going, when to expect a new cycles, etc... it's fascinating stuff, I swear.

So, for any newbies out there (or any of you veterans that know a newbie, or would like to know more yourself even)- here's your chance to get this for free! (and if you don't win, but are still interested in looking into this book- most libraries carry it so you can check it out)

Here's how to enter:

- Leave a comment, and let me know you would like to enter

- Then let me know one piece of information you learned in the beginning, that now seems like it should have been common sense (I didn't know you made progesterone after ovulation, I just knew that a doctor told me I 'wasn't' having periods because I wasn't making progesterone' * facepalm*)

- Make sure I have a way to contact you!

- After that, I will randomly chose a winner and we will be in touch :)

All entries must be in by June 28th. Thanks!

changing-

Sister-in-law had her baby shower. I did not go, as was already decided months ago. I did look at the pictures on FB though. She looked so happy, glowing even. Everyone looked so thrilled and all the decorations echoed that feeling.

I am extremely glad I chose self preservation over trying to tough it out.

I don't know if it would have been bearable, had my only issue been the infertility. Maybe I would have tried to tough it out if that was all. Maybe. I don't really know about that, I like to think I would have but I truly can't say. But I do know that after all my miscarriages, there's no way I would not have survived that shower unscathed.

I feel like I have been, and will be, judged and admonished for taking the easy way out. Like people think I'm selfish and cowardly for ditching. But in this, it was the only way to protect myself.

My heart is busted, broken, bruised, scarred, in pieces- still- after all this time. It's almost been 6 months since the last miscarriage, and my heart still aches for all the things I've lost.

Not just my lack of ability to get pregnant, my lack of options to become a parent, but also the tangible loss of these three pregnancies. Those that were supposed to be the answer to all these trials and years of desire.

And yet I have lost, again and again and again.

I have lost my children, and I lack the ability to even conceive... I can't go to a party that specifically flaunts all the things I have lost. Not after three years of trying to become a mother. Not after three miscarriages. It's not just that I may never have a shower, not just that I may never have a viable pregnancy- but also that I should have had a baby shower by now. I should have had one 2 years ago. But I lost that pregnancy. I should have had one a year ago. But I lost that one too. I should be having one any day now, because I would have been due in early August. But I'm not, and I'm not. And it hurts.

Each pregnancy crushed a little more of my already broken heart.

What is pregnancy to me? It's not bows and ribbons, it's not laughter and promises- certainly not those. What is a baby shower anymore, in the face of all I've lost. I want other women to have that. I want them to enjoy it. I want for nothing to go wrong, not for anyone, not ever. I want them to have the bright colors, the joy, the smiles over toys, and laughter at anticipation- but from where I sit, that's not where I belong anymore.

Maybe someday... if things turn better perhaps... but I know that even then I will never truly feel that. Not what they feel, in their bright little world, so lost to me.

Life is changing, taking us for turns I never anticipated. Time is still passing us by, and I am watching everyone change- except us. I watch sister-in-law growing bigger with child, and I count off on the calender how long it's been since I lost each of my own. I lost my third one the week of Thanksgiving, she conceived hers around Christmas. Time never stands still. Here I am, half way to my birthday already. Creeping closer to another loss anniversary. Ageing, though not changing much- a little wiser, more weathered, more beaten, more stoic... but on the surface our life remains much the same.

Incomplete and uncertain.

My experience: Femara VS Clomid

Ding-ding: Round 1

So as you may know I tried Femara this time around, and have tried Clomid about 10 times in total (and injectables about 3 times as well) Very resistant to fertility treatments here... go me. You may also recall I recently had Ovarian Diathermy with Uterine Septum resection (good times)



With Clomid in the past I required 150-200mg to respond- and that's with the help of Metformin and Glucocortiods (still using these). My second pregnancy was actually from 200mg, unmonitored with no trigger.

When we jumped back on Clomid after surgery, we started at 150mg. I actually produced 2 follicles. But it did not result in a pregnancy.

We tried the 150mg again. Negative on responding at all- my body didn't even attempt it. Upped to 200mg in same cycle, and we got 2-3 follicles. But negative on pregnancy. Again.

I also had bad hot flashes, reduced cervical mucous, ovarian tenderness, painful bloating after trigger, and increased migraines. It also made my basal body temperature rocky and unpredictable at times, but I can't be sure if that's because of the high dose of Clomid, my batteries wearing out (haven't changes them in 2 years), my other medicine use, or my recent surgery.



So this time we decided to give Femara a try. Why the hell not? I'd never tried it before, and many women do seem to have better responses to it.

So I had less hot flashes, less migraines, a little better cervical mucous (although still not spectacular), and I haven't been feeling my ovaries hardly at all. My temperature has been much more stable, but I'm not sure what's up with that.

The Femara also produced one mature follicle, on the right. No stragglers- just the one. Which, to me, is much better than my normal zero.

We triggered Thursday, and I start progesterone supplements on Sunday.



So, the doses of Femara go 2.5, 5, and 7.5mg. I only used 5mg to get my follicle.
On Clomid you can do 50, 100, 150, 200mg (some women do 250mg- rare) I required 150-200mg of that.

On the Femara I still need the higher end, but it doesn't seem as bad as the Clomid. It at least gives me some alternatives to try should one stop working, or the other, etc... to vary it up at least.



Do I prefer one over the other? Not really. I like having less side effects this time around, but my Clomid side effects weren't really that bad anyway. Will I try Femara again, should this cycle not work? I think I will, but I have no qualms to going back to Clomid- or even alternating what meds I use what cycle.

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Eventually I will stop treatments, maybe in a few months, maybe at the end of the year (if I keep responding). Nothing is solid, except the knowledge that we are in the process of closing this chapter. For now though, I suppose we keep skipping along one month at a time.

On the adoption front, we are busy clearing up our credit and implementing a budget. Our goal is to buy a house in the next year, because we'd really like to have that done before starting adoption. I am also planning on getting a second part-time job, or a new full-time job so we can save money all the more quickly. After we do that, we are still considering adopting through the state while saving for private infant adoption.
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Slightly unrelated- I will be having a giveaway on here in the next week, just trying to figure out how to do it. I've never done this before~

Poem featured on Still Life 365-

Just a quickie-

If you are interested, I have a poem being shared on Still Life 365 today.

If you haven't checked out Still Life 365 yet, I strongly suggest it. The blog is a place where every day a new piece of work goes up- the subject matter, grief over the loss of a child. Very powerful stuff, and an extremely moving project.

I've had three previous pieces of art shared on there, all acrylic and mixed medium works. This is the first poem, and I should have another poem being shared on or around the 25th.

The difference a word can make-

In the English language we have all sorts of words- slang, everyday speech, medical jargon, heck American English has words that are German, French, Spanish, etc... Then there's the problem with how words don't always mean what they say. What a word means to me, may mean something different to you.

There's something that's been bothering me a lot lately (with no small help, I'm sure, from viewing sister-in-law's FB page) But I want to tell you about how I personally view the many terms for pregnancy. And then to explain why, since it's not that I'm an anal language bitch. Seriously, I mean I do come off that way at times (I was an English major) but I swear to you I'm not that rigid. I know the rules, and I break them constantly because our language is constantly evolving- that's the beauty of it. But I do have a problem with a few choice terms, as it relates to fertility.

Mainly- I shudder and cringe every time I hear, or see someone type, the terms preggo or preggers. At first I thought it was because I was being overly anal about it, that I thought the people were ignorant and not bothering with typing the full word.

But then I realized that these aren't abbreviations, and that's not what my real problem with these words is- my real issue is that using these cutesy terms is a way of empowering the ideal that pregnancy is common and nothing goes wrong. Just like saying someone is expecting- they are misleading. If I get pregnant I'm not expecting much. Another miscarriage? The term is totally inappropriate for me, and for anyone pregnant really. Just as preggo or preggers would be.

This conclusion, for me, comes from my solid standing now that there is nothing cute or ideal about pregnancy- it is a medical condition that many seek (or try to avoid) and things can go wrong, just like with any medical condition. By calling it cutesy names it seems to deflate it's seriousness.

And maybe that's what some people would prefer. I don't. I know that women die in pregnancy and childbirth, I know that babies die, I know that pregnancy could go wrong- there's nothing cute about it for me. By sticking these terms on it are we trying to reassure ourselves, or others? By taking away it's heavy significance, are we trying to make it more accessible?

But at what cost? People love hearing happy pregnancy stories, but you bring up the one that almost went totally wrong- or gods forbid the one that did go wrong- and suddenly everyone doesn't know what to say, and they certainly don't want to hear it. So many women complain about pregnancy books and how they are too scary, so they don't read them. We shelter pregnant women a lot in our society- we keep the curtains closed on the secret grief of those of us that have lost something to the journey (whether it be woman, child, hope, desire). We chose our words carefully, we lock in on their joy and hope it's enough for them not to see the immense knowledge that grief brings.

Still, they're are just words.

But mere words hold power.

I don't want anyone to know that pregnancy can go wrong, I want to shelter them and protect them. I don't want them to know that sometimes lives are lost- but sometimes they are. Sometimes I want to shake these naive women by the shoulders and ask them what the hell their problem is- but I don't want to take that away from them. If they don't know, I don't want to be the one to tell them. And maybe they do know, but they have to- need to- believe that everything is going to be alright.

Typically I say nothing at all.

But by doing this, aren't I as guilty as the ones who use these cute little terms for such a serious condition? By sheltering them too, just in a different way? I chose silence, they chose light terms to alleviate the mood. We are both guilty.

But unless there's a reason to, I don't remind them of what I've been through. Unless there's a reason to, I don't remind them of what happened to my niece. I've learned not to- just as other women learned to use those terms to alleviate the seriousness of pregnancy.

But the result is this- those families that live through their world being turned upside down, pregnancy gone wrong, feel even more alone. Even more isolated. The suffer all the harder for it because we chose to live with illusions instead of the hard truths. Because we chose to sweep it under the rug, only hoping for the best instead of preparing for the worst.

Maybe things need to change- maybe we need to stop sweeping all the sorrows in the world under the rug. Maybe we need to stop shying away from sadness, stop telling people to get over things- grief isn't meant to be annihilated, it's meant to be worked through. But what kind of message are we sending when we don't allow people to hold an open house for their grief, when we keep it behind closed doors? When we giggle and say someone is preggers, and then one day they are not anymore because something went wrong- and society pretends it never happened.

Like I said- I have no clear answers here. I just find myself annoyed with the way things are, and how they are not. Some days I can brush it off, but then sometimes I get to analyzing the intricate maze that is grief- and the temporary state that is pregnancy- and I wonder why we do this to ourselves.

I'm of course just thinking on it, and reflecting my own issues and realizations- what these words mean to you may mean something totally different. And that's okay. Maybe they mean the same, but you don't mind them so much. And that is okay too.

Pregnancy can be a happy time- that doesn't mean it will be.

The word itself already has so many emotions attached to it- do we really need cutesy slang to make it more innocent sounding?

What I've Learned About Miscarriage-

I posted this on my FB awhile back hoping to educate a little bit, or just to get it out there, but I thought I should share it on here too. Because really, it is one thing to read about the technical aspects of miscarriage, and a whole other things to experience one (or in my case three) and go through everything that comes with it.

Hopefully all the information on here is correct, keep in mind I am not a doctor- I am more focusing on the personal aspects of miscarriage here, not the technical.

This is for all the things I want to scream at the world about miscarriage, but recognize as being socially unacceptable (but hell, someone needs to scream them). I'm tired of people acting like it's something that happens and we get on with it, because it's not that simple. It doesn't happen overnight, and we don't ever "get over it". Here we go:

1. There are differences in types of miscarriage.

-My first and last ones were called Chemical Pregnancies. This means that the pregnancies never developed to the point that we could see anything on an ultrasound screen. The first one should have, but the embryo stopped growing unknown to us until I miscarried.

-My second one was a standard miscarriage. This means we did see it on the ultrasound screen, we confirmed there was no fetal growth, and when I miscarried I did pass the "products of conception" as my doctors call it- I call it "the thing that was supposed to be my baby". There is the possibility of having a procedure to remove the "products of conception" called a D&C. This has risks though so doctors try to avoid it- I almost had this with my second one because my body did not want to miscarry the baby. I wish I had pushed for it though, because it wouldn't have been as emotionally scarring as what did happen.

-There are also miscarriages known as blighted ovums, which are where the sac develops and keeps growing, but nothing grows within it. Sometimes this can be miscarried naturally, but other times it requires a D&C.

-There are also ectopics, which are heartbreaking. The embryo implants and begins growing where it shouldn't, most often the fallopian tubes. This can sometimes be reabsorbed with a shot of medicine to terminate the pregnancy, but sometimes it requires surgery. Some women have to have the fallopian tube removed during this, and this can inhibit fertility.

2. Around 1-5% of women are repeat miscarriers.

-Medically we are termed as "Habitual Aborters". There are many causes of miscarriage, many are caused by chromosomal abnormalities of the embryo. But there can be other causes, and these causes are sought if there are multiple losses. Multiple losses are medically termed as three, although some women begin testing after their second loss- especially if they are undergoing fertility treatments.

-Testing includes (and I've had all these, so I speak from experience here):
testing for chromosomal abnormalities of the mother and father- known as karyotyping
testing for clotting disorders- known as a thrombophilia panel
testing for uterine abnormalities

Simple blood work is all that is needed for testing the parents karyotyping and for the thrombophilia panel. Results for these typically take weeks. (Mine came back normal, except for one minor genetic clotting disorder. I now take a low-dose aspirin daily. If I ever get pregnant I might be on daily blood thinning injectable medication though.)

To test for uterine abnormalities they usually perform an HSG if they haven't yet, this looks at the uterus and fallopian tubes to check for abnormalities. The put saline dye in the uterus, and use an x-ray machine for this.

Depending on those test results, or bypassing it completely, they may suggest a laproscopy or hysteroscopy. These are outpatient procedures, I had them both done at the same time so I can't speak from experience for how they are individually.

When they do them together they put you completely under, cut a hole in your belly button and down on your bikini line- these are to insert the endoscopic tools. Sometimes there may be another hole or two, depending on how much access the doctor needs and what they find. They fill the abdominal cavity with gas so they can see everything, this gas can sometimes settle in your shoulders post-op and hurt. I didn't have that issue though. They check the shape of the uterus, the ovaries, and check for any abnormalities like a deformity or endometriosis.

The hysteroscopy they dilate the cervix and insert endoscopic tools to look for abnormalities like a septate uterus, polyps, or fibroids (just for example). My doctor found a septate uterus, a birth defect I didn't know I had. She took care of it while she was in there, it may or may not have contributed to my losses. I was on bedrest for a few days, and then allowed up around as tolerated for the rest of the week. I didn't tolerate much, as my recovery was much more painful than normal people since I has a lot of other work done while she was in there.

Thank goodness for Per.cocet though :)

-Sometimes hormonal imbalances contribute too, like low progesterone. That one is easily remedied with progesterone supplementation. Others aren't so easily remedied.

-PCOS contributes to repeat miscarriages and they aren't sure why exactly- the hormone imbalances, the insulin issues... it's a crap-shoot.

3. If you are far enough along to see something on the ultrasound, you are far enough along to see it when you actually miscarry.

-That experience is haunting, and terrible. I recommend gathering up what you pass during the process, the gestational sac, the small fetus, whatever stage you are at, and perform some type of ritual to mourn it. I didn't know what to do with mine, and the contractions wouldn't stop, and the pain medicine wasn't working at all- I couldn't even think straight. I regret that I didn't.

4. Which brings me to this- I don't care if you were on bedrest for two weeks waiting to see if it was viable or not, I don't care if you waited a week or two weeks to miscarry- if your doctor offers you Cytotec to help induce your miscarriage, JUST SAY NO. I wish I had taken this advice from some other women, my doctor made it sound like it would be no big thing... he LIED. If you do take it, Vi.codin is not strong enough to combat the physical pain. This medicine is an ulcer medication, which doubles as an abortion medication and labor inducing medication. It causes the cervix to dilate and brings on contractions. Strong-mother-fucking contractions-that-just-keep-coming-at-you-non-stop. I screamed the entire night- really, and truly, no exaggeration SCREAMED. The next day you will feel like someone punched your uterus from the inside out, and bruised as fuck, and empty, and exhausted. It's not worth it- just say no.

5. There aren't many appropriate words for a loss, and so many inappropriate.

-Tell the person you are sorry for their loss. Maybe offer to help them as needed. Everyone avoided me like a leper, making me feel more lonely and isolated. And while I was on bedrest, A- was feeding me fast food all the time because he couldn't cook. Probably would have been nice if someone had offered to make us a meal, especially since he was having a hard time with it whether he showed it or not.

When I was mourning freshly, I would have liked someone to sit with me even if we didn't say a word. Sitting at home, alone, day after day, thinking about what I'd lost and what I'd never have again- probably wasn't good for me. I was severely depressed and lethargic after each loss. So if someone you know loses a baby, don't be afraid of them and of "making it worse"- as long as you are sensitive and don't have a case of foot-in-mouth disease, you should be fine. Just don't be an asshat :)

-Here just a few inappropriate comments:

"At least you can get pregnant." Umm, not always so. And besides, it doesn't help to minimize their pain.

"It could have been worse." They just lost their baby, it couldn't be worse for them. Don't minimize their pain.

"Well, (insert name) had 5 miscarriages, and then they had their baby. It will happen." Don't minimize their pain (seeing the trend here?) And they aren't ready to move on just yet, they are mourning this baby, this pregnancy, this loss.

-Bottom line, don't minimize their pain. They are grieving, let them grieve. Support them through it, ask what they need from you, be there for them, acknowledge what they are going through instead of pretending it isn't happening. It's harder than most people think it is to go through this.

6. Pregnancy is never the same.

-Especially after my second one, I have been absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again. Which I'm sure is hard to tell, since I have continued undergoing fertility treatments. For me, I can't leave it up to fate of whimsy, because I quite frankly don't make eggs on my own. I am a barren field without using treatments. I have had to make the conscious choice to continue trying to have a baby, and each time I do make an egg (or two, or three) I get terrified- of getting pregnant, and of not getting pregnant. I lost that naivety, that simple joy, in pregnancy- and I won't ever get it back. It's another thing I have to mourn now.

7. Feelings towards other pregnant women change.

- I know I have trouble looking at pregnant women the same. I am both happy for them, and jealous. Jealous because I will never have that, because I lost that, because I know all the things that can go wrong that they probably aren't even aware of. I feel like the elephant in the room when I'm around pregnant women, like I am avoided again like a leper because no one wants to face what I've been through. I'm excluded from all that mom and baby talk anyways, because what would I know about that anyway- I'm not a mother (the hardest words to be told after a loss by the way) Happy for them because they don't know what it's like, and if they do I'm happy for them because they're finally in a place I have never been, and might never be. I recognize that pregnancy is a miracle more precious than people give it credit for, it is a miracle I tell you. And I am so happy that other people can have that... but so sad for me, because it's one miracle I had ripped out from under me over and over.

8. With miscarriages it is not just the lost pregnancy that has to be mourned, but all the lost possibilities that went with that baby.

-The unfulfilled due date, knowing you won't be pregnant during that big event, knowing you won't be celebrating with your baby this holiday season, all the little things you lost. And most people won't even understand.



Anyways-
I'm sure there is plenty more I could say, but I think this is enough for now.
I hope it was helpful or informative to someone out there.