Saturday, June 13, 2009

Horror Stories

When I picked up Go.od Gri.ef, by Loll.y Win.ston, I thought it would be nice to escape my own reality for a bit and see someone elses. I thought it would be a sad chik lit novel, something easy to read, but I wasn't prepared for what it really was.

A horror story so far. I was fighting tears as I turned the pages.

It wasn't just that the main character was an English major, or that her husband was a Software Developer (Like Myself and A-) Or that they were married for as long as us, and had tried to have a baby for as long too... and that they too were infetile.

I think what finally set me off was his death, and how many times I'd imagined myself in the main characters shoes. I honestly don't know what I would do without A-, and reading this book feels like it was taking me down the rabbit whole of "what if" because, how many times had I imagined just this? How many times I have worried and fretted when he left the house, every little ailment he won't see a doctor about. Because I can't lose him. It's not just, "I don't want to lose him," it's really, "I can't lose him."

I'm not even done with the book, but reading it, I let lose all those suppressed tears last night. I let myself actually feel what it would be like. I didn't just cursory think of the "what if"; I actually experienced it with the main character. There's a lot of grief when you go through infertility, a lot of scars. And then, the character has the scars from the loss of her spouse... it hurts even more. It's a scary place, and I hope I never have to go there.

I'm not even half way through. It was just so hard, reading it. It was interesting, a truly good book, but it really hit home. I guess I should go finish it now.

Have you ever been broadsided while you were reading something, or watching a movie? I mean, totally unexpected like that? I know a lot of people didn't expect it in the new movie, Up, and I saw a lot of comments on the internet about that. But this, this really really hit home. And as much as it hurts, it also feels good to let those emotions out; to feel the sadness, and ackowledge it.

Anyways. I am going to go pick the book back up, it took a lot of effort to put it down last night.

4 comments:

Kristin said...

I think those moments are attribute to the author or the artist because they have to make it seem very real to trigger those emotions in us.

WiseGuy said...

AD...yesterday evening I was watching Feast of Love, and one of the pairs was Oscar and Chloe...Morgan Freeman's character advised Chloe to go for a kid immediately after the marriage...and then go for a second again. Have two, he said.

His advise sprung from the loss of his only child.

Woops...I was crying.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Wow, talk about a book with similarities!

I hear you on the imagining the worst happening and losing dh. It's a strange thing to even consider but I understand how overwhelming the feelings can be.

I read a book in a long time series I'd been reading. Bam! It hits me as I'm reading- one of the main characters had a miscarriage and was about to have another. What?? Seriously?

Yeah, been there. Finish the book. That's my advice. It's really really hard but also very cathartic at the end.

G$ said...

This is such a real, tangent fear for me. Losing him too. Whenever I see a movie, read a book, etc, with that... no kids, no more husband, I lose it in a big way.

*Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb*

Sorry had to sing to get those thoughts out of my brain.