Sunday, January 4, 2009

Time

Time has passed me by since I had my miscarriage. I know that. It's just been hitting me hard lately. See, I have been on a forum thread for woman who lost babies due around the same time as mine. We have supported each other well. But, time has passed us by.

We are still very close, and I love these woman. Words can not express how much I love these woman, how I care about them. But I am being reminded almost daily about how much time has passed us all by.

I am so happy for each and every positive pregnancy test they get. I send my heart out into the universe, I beg for it to let these woman have happiness at last. Let them carry to term. Please.

But it also reminds me of how much time has passed, and how I am not yet closer to having a baby of my own. I don't want to be misunderstood. This is so hard to put into words. I am so happy for them, but I am hurting.

I want to hear everything, I want to know they are doing well, I want these babies, these pregnancies, to make it. I want it with every fiber of my being. But, I feel sorry for myself.

I keep reminding myself that someday... someday I will get the positive test myself. And if I don't? I will become a mother, someday, somehow. I can have a child, a living breathing honest to goodness baby. Even if adoption is the way to go.

Time just keeps ticking on by. Tick, tick, tick. And I still have these aching empty arms, and worthless barren womb.

I feel like a downer all the time. I'm always going on about the negative. But it's so hard to stay positive, to see the sunshine with these infertility blinders on my eyes. I'm just getting tired of fighting so hard for something that is starting to feel like it might never happen.

I'm sure we all feel that way from time to time.

I need to buck up, and look on the bright side of life. I am alive, I have a wonderful loving husband, I have a home, a job, my animals; life is good today. I need to smile for the beauty of today, instead of looking for something worthwhile in tomorrow. Today is here, tomorrow is just a dream.

5 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

No matter how much we sometimes want to look 'up'...this shit is hard...and sometimes we're just 'down'...and that's the way it is. Hope the dark cloud passes quickly...I'll keep you company either way.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

(((HUGS))) I agree with Murgdan, sometime down is just where you need to be for a moment. If you need a hand up, you know we're here for you.

Michelle said...

I too agree. It is just very hard to see the good when you are dealing so much with the bad. And then we just beat ourselves up about how we are feeling. There is just no other way to say it other then it SUCKS! I am sorry and I hope you feel better soon. ((HUGS))

Jodi said...

I wish I lived near you so I could give you a big hug hun. You will have that beautiful BFP so very soon, I can feel it in my soul.

Lori said...

Your commenters are very wise.

There are no "shoulds" in grieving. I found it helped to let it have its way with me for awhile. The fear is that it will never stop (!) but it does.

Abiding with you.