Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Years reflection

I never thought I'd learn so much from living in perpetual incompletion. I always thought it was by solving our problems that we would grow, the resolution was the key. As times goes by I learn even more how wrong I've been, it's by weathering the storm, not surviving it, that we learn to appreciate the calm that comes afterward. Even if the calm never comes.

The past two years have taught me a lot about life. I've learned the beauty of today, despite the horrors of yesterday. I've learned that my husband truly loves me more than I ever imagined. Love can win, if we let it. Some things in life really are worth fighting for, and I am strong enough to put up a fight. I've learned that losing the most important things in my life will not kill me, even it feels like it should. I can survive. I've learned that hope is both a curse and an eternal blessing. It can lift or crush, and it doesn't even matter what the outcome is.

In the coming year I hope I can learn to have more faith and patience. I hope I can learn that though some things are immovable, there are some things that are fluid and change with our lives. And sometimes that's okay. I hope I learn that I can have a life outside this horrible tragedy. I hope I can learn more about dancing in the rain, and spend less time waiting for the storm to pass. I hope that I can learn acceptance. I hope I can come to embrace that acceptance doesn't mean giving up, but that is means living each day to the fullest, instead of in mourning something I can not control.

And so, where did 2008 lead me?

- Down roads of birth control pills for a couple months while I got my mind straightened out after discovering I was a 21 year old newly wed who may never have a child (Novemeber of 2007 can kiss my ass.)
- January brought me to quit smoking (and May brought me to picking it back up due to the loss of my baby, and then it was back to quitting.)
- Then onto to herbal remedies to try to aide with ovulation
- I found my new ob/gyn
- I found the joy of pregnancy
- I discovered firsthand the horrors of pregnancy loss
- Two weeks after I lost my baby I found out I won three literary awards
- I lost my last living grandparent in May (Cancer at the age of 85.) This happened about one and a half to two weeks after I lost my pregnancy
- Somehow while all this crap was happening in May, I still passed all my classes with A's
- I did my first public reading of my work
- I was published in the campus' literary journal
- I started paying out the ass for my first RE, whose office is an hour away from me
- I met failed cycle after cycle of pills that did absolutely nothing but give me headaches and money down the drain. And discovered that injectable may be our only option
- My damn cat got knocked up and had kittens
- One of my best friends got pregnant, and had an uneventful and happy pregnancy. I went to her son's baptism just last month
- My brothers mom accidentally got pregnant, with twins boys. Which she carried and delivered uneventfully, right on schedule
- My car broke down a couple of times
- I became a second year senior in college
- I got a new job, again. But I actually like this job for the most part, so it's okay.
- I ovulated a total of two times this year, go me...
- Lots of people got married, had children, and went on with their lives. I feel like I've been stuck in time as everyone evolves around me, they follow some divine natural order. I stand deaf and mute, but not blind. I am paralyzed and forced to watch everyone that I know follow this natural order that I am unable to follow myself.

All I got to say is, 2009 better be better (Or else I'm going to drop kick it right in it's stupid face.)

1 comment:

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I so get this! It's so often the journey that reveals the most growth.

I hope we both have a better year. And I second the dropping kicking motion. :)Happy New Years