The talk-

So, A and I had the talk already. We had already decided that waiting 5 years would be too long, I really didn't want to wait that long to decide our next course of action. If we were going to try biologically again, I wanted to plan for that. If we wanted to move on to adoption, I wanted to start planning and saving for that sooner than that. So we said we'd talk about it in the next year or two, and we were like, "Okay, that's cool." Then we both had insomnia the other night, and started talking about it again. We discussed the possibility of another biological child. I said that it might be better to try again in a year or two if we wanted to go that route. I was leaning more toward two years from now, he was thinking more of trying again next year.

It surprised me how enthusiastic he was about trying again. He was really excited about the possibility of having another child, talking about how it would be a friend for V and how awesome it would be. We talked about the benefits of trying again sooner, and the drawbacks. In the back of my head, I was thinking how if things worked out easier this time, it would be nice... but what if it didn't?

Then the next night he held me tight and said, "I really hope we're able to have a baby next year." And things were more sombre.

Having V is wonderful. He is the highlight of my day. But, having more children is something I always wanted too. A and I always said we wanted two children, although I used to try and coax him into the idea of three. That was before infertility and the losses. I still want more children though, I just worry about how everything might affect V: the cost of treatments, the cost of pregnancy, my physical state, and my emotional well-being.

Before we had him, it was easy for us to risk everything. Now, it's not so simple.

The other problem here is that I feel like we've deluded ourselves into thinking it will happen. I mean, we know it could happen, V is proof of that. But the four years we struggled, not to mention the three miscarriages we went through, are proof that the odds are not in our favor. We don't really know what worked this time, when nothing worked the first three times. We don't know if it was the Thyroid medication, the Lovenox, the Progesterone, the cycle itself, or what exactly! We don't know why the SCH developed with such vengeance, but we do know I have a high chance of it happening again. The first half of my pregnancy with V was hell. The last half lulled me into a false sense of security, it was so normal.

If we're totally honest here, it was my successful pregnancy that was the fluke- not my miscarriages or failed cycles. I only carried 25% of my pregnancies to term. For most women, that statistic works the other way around. And I know that. I know it so well. But now I know that it's possible. I know I can carry a baby to term. I've done it once, but.. that by no way guarantees that I can do it again.

That's where the rational part of my brain sits. I'm afraid that it might not be possible. I'm afraid that if we wait too long, we could lose our window. I'm afraid that it could take years and years all over again.

I really want another child though. It isn't the same as our need was before.The thought of failing hurts, but it's not like it was before. The need for immediate success isn't as powerful. But it's there in my heart, the desire to do this again despite the fear and hardships.

So, we talked. And we tentatively decided that sometime next year, we'll try again. We won't do as many cycles, we won't be as wrapped up in trying, but we want to try again.

7 months-

Well, my little guy is 7 months today. It's amazing how fast he's growing. We're having eating/sleep issues, issues with him pinching and kicking me too, but we also have cuddles and laughter... there's really nothing better.

He gets on his hands and knees now, mostly he just rocks back and forth when he does that. He's trying to figure out how to move forward, and I have a feeling it won't be much longer... then he'll be crawling and I'll be chasing him everywhere. Oh, and he discovered the joys of hitting his toys on surfaces for that nice "bang" sound.

He LOVES petting the cats. I think that his biggest motivator towards crawling is his desire to catch them. Toys? Pfft. Oh look, there's a kitty! Only one of the cats likes him though, poor kid!

I'm still making his baby food, that seems to be going well. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen preparing healthy meals for us and for him, and it feels good. It's definitely cheaper to make his food this way. Of course, he'll be moving on to thicker stuff soon, and things to chew. Yikes.

I held him today and it just hit me how large he is now. He's so much heavier, and longer... a huge difference from that small baby I brought home. I have to put away his 6 month clothes tonight because they're getting too snug... the 9 month stuff fits him perfect. His swing is getting packed up too, since he's outgrown it. He uses his Jumparoo a lot now anyway. He's going to outgrow his infant car seat soon too, so we we're on the hunt for a convertible one. It's just as well, he's getting heavy and he's started sitting up in the grocery cart and using high chairs in restaurants anyway.

He rolls over all the time in his sleep. He likes sleeping face down or on his side, and it scares the hell out of me. I know there's nothing I can do about it, and the risk of SIDS is lower now, but it still scares me. I flip him back, then he flips back... repeat. Hopeless. The side sleeping I can deal with, but when he lays on his belly he likes to lay face down (like his father, I might add). I don't like it. (*sigh*)

Saying good bye to an era-

For a very long time, I've had dogs. Specifically, two special dogs in my life. When I was young, we were given Babies by my grandmother, he was already a year or two old. When I was 14, my mother got me a wonderful black lab puppy, and I named her Pokey. She was my girl. On December 28 last year, she turned 13. In February, we had to say goodbye.

Today we said goodbye to our other dog, the old grumpy man. He was 16. We often joked about him living forever, because despite the years nothing seemed to slow him down. It's true that his face has turned white with age, but his spirit was still that of a pup (a very disobedient and ornery pup, albeit). But, despite his spirit, his body was slowly failing him. He was 16 after all.

Having senior dogs hasn't been easy. I missed the days when they were young, when they could get around with ease, when they weren't in pain, when they weren't incontinent, when they still played chase with us. I loved the docile nature that age brought with it, the sleeping at my feet, or resting their heads on my lap at peace, staying near me just to be near me. It was different, but it was nice too. If it wasn't for their bodies failing them.

In some ways, losing them hasn't been as hard as it could have been. I take comfort in the fact that they lived long and wonderful lives. They chased horses and squirrels. They swam in lakes and ponds. They ran in fields and woodlands. They ate pig ears and cookies, snuck into the trash, and chewed up their fair share of children's toy! They lived the stereotype of what a dog should do. They lived their lives to the fullest. And for that, I am so thankful.

It's weird coming home to a house devoid of barking. To see the food bowl sitting, with food still in it that will probably never be eaten (the cats have taken a liking to dog food, so we won't count that out). But what I'm saying is, to a bowl that he will never eat from again. That she will never fight with him about again. That will never be used by our dogs again. It's been such a huge era of my life, and now it's gone.

It's true, I could get another dog. But I don't want another dog. I want my dogs, I want them how they were when they were young and full of spunk. I want them when they were at the height of their youth, bursting with excitement and love. I want them when they weren't in pain. When they weren't suffering the effects of old age. I want them from when getting up and down wasn't a chore, but a given. I want them back the way they used to be.

Someday we will get another dog, but not now or anytime soon. The last few years have been so hard. It's one of those things you don't really think of when you get a puppy. You don't imagine how hard it's going to be when they can't get around anymore, when they can't control themselves anymore, or how hard it's going to be to say goodbye.

Rest well my sweet puppies.

I'll always miss you.

Blurbs-

Since I stopped the birth control pills it didn't take long for the bleeding to stop. Funny how that works. When I stay on them I keep bleeding for as long as the pack is, but I stop them and BAM it's okay. Thank goodness for small favors.

I'm getting really close to 200lbs, just a couple of pounds to go. I'm really excited about this... which sounds ridiculous, I mean how off is it to be excited to be 200lbs? Well, it is for me. And I'm going to jump for joy when I get to 199lbs too. It might not seem like big milestones, but they mean a lot to me. When I reach 200lbs that will mean I've lost 50lbs total, and I'm halfway to my goal of 150lbs. I am counting down the days!

I've been thinking of starting another blog for focusing solely on weight loss stuff. I'm trying a Wordpress blog for now, but I'm not sure I'm going to stick with it. I don't like the format as much as Blogger, and it doesn't always do what I want it to for some reason. It's just kind of frustrating me. I wanted something separate though, because I wanted to post more personal stuff and photos. I'm afraid to post stuff on here sometimes because I want this is private from my family, it's always allowed me to really vent and work out my emotions/reactions in an open space and get feedback. During the heart of my journey that was really important, and it still is. But for my weight loss blog I wanted more freedom, I wanted it to be in the open. Anyway, I'm over here (for now) if anyone wants to check it out.

I'll still be posting some stuff on here, like my monthly updates, and little things here and there, especially as it pertains to my PCOS. But the new blog will allow me to post about more health related topics, updates, stuff to keep me motivated.

July weigh in-

Last week I slacked off pretty badly from my workout and calorie restrictions. A was on vacation and we were running around a lot, so I feel bloated and out of shape. The scale hasn't shown a huge setback for my slip up though (so far) so I need to just get back on the horse. Especially with the jogging, because I paid for my slacking when I got back on there Sunday. I only missed one jog last week, but it was enough to make that jog feel like an impossible feat. Ugh.

I finally bought new shorts. First of all, a little rant. I had to shop at 4 different stores before I found a single pair of shorts in my size. They all told me they got their summer clothes in March, and that they start getting fall clothing in June. Okay, but that's just ridiculous. They stop carrying summer clothes before summer even begins! Seriously, we have two months left of summer and shorts are a rare commidity. The heat index today is supposed to be 104, and we've had this same weather for the last month (drought, extreme high temperature and humidity) and it doesn't have an end in sight! But, no, we totally need to start buying winter boots RIGHT NOW.

They told me I should have bought them in March... I did buy some in March, but I lost weight since then and they don't fit anymore. So, argument fail?

Anyway, I was lucky and found a couple pairs on clearance, that were actually in my size. I felt pretty good in the dressing room. I started in a size 22 in March, and now I'm in a size 18. WOOT! It was a pretty nice ego boost. It's been a hell of a long time since I've fit into a size 18... a good 7 years. I'm smaller than I was on my wedding day now. Not bad! Now if I can just keep going.

I weighed 211 last month, this morning I weighed in at 204.6lbs. So that makes a 6.4lb loss this month.

Since March 17, 2012:
Weight loss: 22.4lbs
Inches off hips: 5
Inches off waist: 4.5

Resetting-

I talked to the nurse today at my ob/gyn's office. I'm rescheduling my appointment for the end of August, and until then I'm just giving my body a break from the pill. I honestly have never had these issues with the pill before. The nurse kept calling it "breakthrough bleeding," and I was like, "Sure, if you want to call it that." Technically it is, since it started when it shouldn't have but it's heavy, and it doesn't just last a couple days, it lasts until I get to the start of a new pack... not my idea of "breakthrough bleeding." I'm almost bleeding more than I'm not.

Maybe giving my body a break will be a good thing. I don't know, it's worth a try. Until then, I guess we'll just use a different method of prevention and hope my body behaves itself.

Frustrations-

I switched to regular birth control pills after I stopped nursing for a lot of reasons. I mean, with my PCOS I needed something to regulate my hormones and make sure I got a period, otherwise when/if I would was unknown. Remember, I stopped ovulating when I was 21, and never got bleeds without using progesterone or fertility treatments to induce one. Now, maybe things are different since I gave birth, but PCOS doesn't go away. So, I also wanted to make sure I didn't get cysts, which I was prone to. Plus, regulating my hormones so that if we decide to TTC again it will be easier, as well as helping maintain my other PCOS symptoms. So again, birth control pills would help me there.

And finally, I do not want to risk getting pregnant right now. Which is weird after spending so many years struggling to bring home a baby. But see, I don't want the emotional or financial drain that another pregnancy would bring right now. I don't want another miscarriage, I don't want to do daily injections, spend over $100 a month on Lovenox, or god knows how much on monitoring and other medications, not to mention my high risk of developing another SCH... I just can not do that right now. I would love another child, but I don't want to deal with all those risks/complications at this point in my life. I think that if things had been easier, if I hadn't went through all the miscarriages, the months of bed rest, or had all these issues that make my uterus hostile, I might be more open to trying again sooner... but this is my situation. And as much as I want another child, I really just want to enjoy the one I have right now.

So, for the last four months I've been on regular birth control, and I've been getting my bleed earlier than I should. The first three months it was a week early, and it lasted two whole weeks. They told me to give it time for my body to adjust, but I've never had this issue in all my time using the pill.

This month, it was two weeks early... and I am going to scream if it lasts three weeks. I swear to you I will. I'm sick of bleeding. I used to go months without a bleed because of my PCOS, and I went on pills to regulate that... so now this is happening? I am at a loss. I don't want to do anything long lasting because we may consider trying again in the next two years. I'm afraid to try anything else hormonal at the point, and starting to think maybe I should just give my body a bit of a break. Then comes the worry about cysts and everything else if I choose not to use something hormonal. I don't know. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on the 18th, so I think I'll just talk to her then. But I have to do something else, it's obvious my body isn't "regulating" here.

I feel bad ranting here or to anyone else about this. I know it's irrational, but there it is. I feel like such a phony when I complain about my birth control issues, like a hypocrite. I mean, I spent years complaining about my infertility and now I'm ranting about how my birth control isn't working right? I feel like such a whiner, but I am so fed up with bleeding so much.