Three years ago today-

Three years ago today I lost my second pregnancy. Well, I'd lost it before then; my body just refused to let it go. Three years ago today I finally went through the horror of passing the pregnancy, of taking Cytotec to induce my miscarriage. That began one of the worst nights of my life.

I used to say that it was six hours of "mini-labor" or contractions, and then I'd make a disclaimer that I didn't know what contractions felt like so I could be mistaken. I knew it was awful, I was in more pain than I'd ever been in before, but I thought labor was surely harder. I take all that back. It was labor, it wasn't less-than-contractions... it was full blown contractions, and I know that now.

The reason I knew I was in labor with V, was because I'd felt those same contractions before. I screamed, I cried; I'd felt that ripping pain already. Three years ago I went through six hours of hell, and just two months ago I went through nine hours of the same... but with a happy ending.

The reason I was able to labor so long without an epidural was because I knew I could; I'd done it before. I kept holding that in my heart the entire time I labored. It wasn't anything I hadn't felt before, so it became no big deal. I survived it when I lost my second pregnancy, I knew I could survive it to deliver my son.

Of course, then he became stuck, things didn't progress, my contractions started to come without a break, V's heart kept decelerating... and I needed a c-section. And that's fine. It was for the best, and I'm at peace with that. It was the labor experience I'd wanted, even if it didn't end quite the way I intended it to.

But the whole time I labored, I thought of her. I thought of my son, V. I thought of all the ones who passed before him. I thought of how far I've came, how much we've struggled, and who I've become. I knew I could handle anything, and I did.

And today, I think of her again. I miss her, and everything she might have been. It's gotten easier, but I'm still the mother to children who went before me. That will never change.

Working through life-

It's been over two months now since I had V. We had his well baby check-up the other day, and he's weighing in at 13lbs and 11oz already. He's grown another inch too. His size 3 month clothing is getting snug already. Yikes.

He has a blocked tear duct that's been causing issues, but hopefully he'll grow out of that. He favors laying on his head one way, so it's created a bit of a flat spot there, so that's another thing to keep an eye on.

Watching V grow is wonderful but it's hard too. He's getting so big so fast, and on one hand I love all the little milestones and I can't wait for him to get older so we can do so much more. I can't wait to take him places, to show him things, to let him see the wonders this world has to offer. But then, I want it to slow down because he's never going to be this small again, and I might never have someone so small and beautiful again. I got lucky, but I know that we might not be so fortunate next time. Not knowing if we'll ever have more children weighs on me a lot. I can't help it. I feel like a broken record, but this is something I'm dealing with and trying to process. Infertility didn't magically vanish, it just burrowed into another part of me.

Speaking of things I'm dealing with... My mother has been very trying. As I've mentioned, she is mentally ill. We don't know what she has, since she admits to being on disability for mental illness but then will change her story in the same breath. I wish her social worker could talk to us, I'd really like to know what her diagnosis really is. So, she comes over and visits V a lot now, forgets things, and rambles on like normal. She swears V likes things that I tell her he doesn't, but she thinks she knows better. Yeah, the woman that comes over for an hour once a week knows better than me, the woman who's only been away from him for 2 hours total since the day he was born... right. Anyway, the other day she was holding him, he started crying because of the way she was holding him, and she said that she knows he likes it and kept holding his weird. Which made him cry more. When I said, "Here, give him to me." and held my arms out to take him back, she jerked him away from me.

I almost went off on her, I really did.

I love her, but sometimes it's hard to be around her. Now, with V being here, she's around a lot more often so things get tense more often. With every passing year, her behavior gets worse. She gets frustrated because she doesn't understand things, so she starts getting angry, she gives up and fumes about it for awhile. It can be something as big as political issues, or as simple as buying something. I remember when I was pregnant, she got mad at a drive thru window person because my mom didn't understand that "two separate orders" meant the same thing as "a separate order" and she ended up screaming about the drive thru operator being a stupid bitch, yelling at the poor girl, and then driving off. Because she couldn't understand that it was the same thing, even though I tried to explain it to her. Then she yelled about it for awhile, about how dumb that girl was and so forth. It was bad. I mean, really really bad.

I don't know how things are going to play out in the next couple of years. I know that she thinks she's going to get V for sleep overs, and I can tell you that won't ever happen. She hasn't said anything about it, and I haven't either, nor do I plan to unless she brings it up. But I'm under the impression that she thinks I'm going to hand him over like my brother does with his kids. I just can't do that in good conscience. Just, no.

I know, not really my normal blog content, but something that's been weighing on my mind a lot. Sorry.

I'm just trying to navigate these new waters. I'm a stay at home mom now, no more worrying about work and everything. I love it, really. But it is not without it's challenges, such as seeing my mother more often, or needing more adult interaction (and getting my mother instead ha).

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a family get together, which is going to be awkward because of strained family relations. So cheers to that. Then Saturday we plan on getting a new family portrait done. I actually am excited about that. Then we're going shopping for V. The makings of a super busy weekend... hopefully the good will outweigh the bad.

Sleepless nights-

I've been having a few rough nights; I'm tired, and I sometimes feel like crying. Heck, sometimes I do. Here lately V's hit a rough patch where around midnight he has a breakdown and all he does is cry. Not just a little, but heart wrenching sobs and screams. And the only thing that consoles him is me holding him and swaying or walking around. And it has to be me, A is not an acceptable alternative. Eventually V falls asleep, and I hold him for as long as I can but eventually my arms get tired (and let's be honest I need to sleep too) so I lay him down. And then he wakes up within minutes because he realizes what I did. And we're back at it again, until his next feeding.

Just a week ago he was sleeping through the night. I don't know if we've just hit a rough patch, or he's going through a growth spurt, or what, but we're trying to figure it out. In the meantime, I am EXHAUSTED.

I've been wondering if it was related to his formula (we've had to supplement more and more as my supply TANKED)... but I don't think it's that. Not gas either, I've given him gas drops. He just has this intense need to be held, and it goes on allllll night.

As for the breast feeding... well, there's a distinct lack of that going on. I've talked to a lactation consultant and my OB, and the general consensus is blame PCOS. Alright, I can do that. We decided to try and increase my supply first, since it's incredibly low, then (maybe) address the latch issues. So, I've started medication to increase my supply, and it's made some difference. I'm still not making enough, but it's the difference of supplementing a little bit of formula and supplementing a lot. I still don't know how much longer I'm going to breast feed, but I have my prescription for now and supplements on hand, and we'll go from there.

So that's what's not so great lately.

But on the other hand, he's started to acknowledge his mobile above his bassinet. He absolutely loves that thing. When we turn it on, and he just smiles and starts laughing. He giggles and "talks" to it, and when it turns off he starts crying... then we turn it on, he's good again. He talks to those bears way more than he does to us. I don't know what's up with that, but it's ADORABLE.

I live for moments like that.

Life is changing-

Emotionally I'm trying to process some things right now. As each week goes by, the reality of my life hits me more and more. V is growing so fast. It's insane. I packed up the new born stuff, and I realized that in 2.5 more pounds he'll be too big for his bassinet... which means moving him into his nursery. And out of our bedroom.

I am not ready for that.

Which leads me to wondering what we should do with his baby stuff. More specifically: do we get rid of the bassinet? We don't know if we'll ever get pregnant again: intentionally, on accident, against all odds... I mean, at all. We planned on preventing for the next, oh probably 5 years, as a matter of fact. Trying to conceive was hard on us emotionally and financially. It took four years of our life away from us. Pregnancy is hard on me, between the clotting disorders, the subchorionic hematoma (which I am highly likely to get again), all the medication, the c-section... and honestly, financially it was very draining because of all the medication and extra monitoring I needed.

We just need some time to recover emotionally, physically, and financially. And honestly, I don't want to go through another miscarriage or uphill battle again so soon regardless. And while we are very open to adoption, it's going to take us more than five years to be ready for that too. So, the plan isn't to even think about things for a few years while we pull ourselves back together. Our words were, "We'll re-evaluate in five years."

I know in my heart this is what's best. I know this is something we need. And I will wait, but I can't stop myself from processing my emotions that come with this. I had many siblings, and while we aren't very close now, it was a wonderful experience growing up. I always wanted my children to have that. V was born on my older brother's birthday, the one who is 13 months older than me. I can't help but think about how close we were as children, what a wonderful experience it was and how I wish V could have someone like that. It's true he's got a cousin just 3 months older than him, and hopefully they'll get to know each other, but it's really not the same thing.

So I keep thinking about that bassinet. I know it's just a bassinet, but it means so much more. It means moving our baby into his own room, it means putting that part behind us... and never knowing if we'll pick it back up again.

Who would have thought it would be so hard to get rid of stuff. I mean, I got what I wanted after all this time, but things still feel like they've been left hanging. And while I'm cool with that for now, eventually I'm going to have to make a decision. I told A after the c-section that I never wanted to do this again. It was wonderful, but it was so hard. I mean, there are no words for how amazingly difficult pregnancy was on me. I've been pregnant four times... and I just don't know if I have it in me to try again. But then I look at V, and I think... maybe I do after all. Someday. If the fates be willing.

For now, I think we'll just put the bassinet in the attic. Out of sight, out of mind. And in time, we will revisit the issue. The bassinet can wait there until then.

Life-

Baby boy is almost 7wks old. Still trying to make sense of that. He's also like 12lbs, and in 3 month size clothing. I had to set aside the first newborn outfit he outgrew a week and a half ago. And now, I've had to put away pretty much all the newborn stuff.

I still can't wrap my head around how big he's getting. He's smiling more, especially in response to us. It's definitely less random. He absolutely loves it when I say, "I love you," in my baby talk voice. He loves having his cheeks touched and his hair ruffled. He's started trying to chuckle, it's a breathy noise right now, but he's getting louder with it. It's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. And the other night, we discovered that he's now ticklish. My husband can not get enough of that! Poor V, haha.

He's going through a growth spurt, so he's eating a lot. But he seems to be sleeping through the night more. I feel bad, I set alarms to wake up and feed him (still should be feeding him frequently since I'm primarily breastfeeding) but I sleep right through them. I have two alarm clocks for crying out loud! But I don't hear either of them? However, I wake up the instant he starts squirming. I mean, he can make the quietest noise and I am UP. But, he's growing just fine and everything so it must be okay. I still feel bad though. I probably should just count my blessings and be grateful for the sleep... but you know, parenting guilt and all that.

Of my 3 brothers and a sister, and A's 3 sisters and his brother, only his brother has came over to visit the baby still. I'm a little miffed about this, but at the same time- I keep reminding myself that it's their loss.

My siblings, I understand. My sister lives across the country, one of my brothers lives in another country altogether, one is in high school, and the other... well, we have a strained relationship right now. So, eh. A's siblings though... they all lives within a couple blocks of us. I mean, most of them live two streets over. LITERALLY. One sister keeps saying she wants to visit him, and says she's going to try to... but she's asked the past 4 weekends and then never showed. That is getting old. If you don't have any intention of showing up, then don't freakin' ask! End of story. All the rest, well they never even asked or tried. So I guess they at least have consistency going for them?

I know, so is life. It's a kind of petty thing to be upset about, but still... we made the trip out to visit all of his sister's after they had their children. All of them. No matter where we were emotionally, we toughed it out because those are our nephews and we do love them.

I just need to get over it, I know. It's really not a big deal. But as I said, I'm just a little miffed. They've done a lot of things over the years to make it clear that I'm not really family to them, and this just kind of feels like an extension of that. I'm probably just reading too much into it. Regardless, I need to deal with it and just ignore them. Not worth it.

A's brother did come out. He's scared of babies, so he didn't hold V, but it was nice of him to visit. He bought V a little stuffed video game character, which was sweet of him. I know A liked it; it was from one of his favorite video games haha.

We are soooo going to submerge this kid in geeky wonderfulness.

We did take V to meet my little brother, and we all went out to dinner for my birthday (well, belatedly). It was nice to get out of the house for something other than a doctor appointment. And it was nice to see my brother, I hadn't seen him in awhile; I miss him. Man, he's growing up fast. It seems like just yesterday he was a little baby and I was chasing him around. He'll be 17 this year! So surreal. Time is just flying by.

My sister sent the most amazing wall hanging for the nursery. I edited the image for the blog, but she made it herself, it's got V's full name down the center. The little birds I sat on it in the photo are for hanging elsewhere (I need to find a nice branch or something, I think!). On the backs of the birds are the dates of our miscarriages (the brown, blue, and gray ones), and the birth of V (the red one). It was such an incredibly sweet thing to do. I love it so much, it's just a perfect representation.

Oh, and before I forget... I'm finally done with my Lovenox injections!!! Definitely cause to celebrate! I had to take them until 6 weeks post-partum... but now I am done and I am so grateful.

Comfort-

Thank you for the condolences on the loss of my dog. She saw me through so much; it's been hard losing her.

I got her as a birthday present when I was 14. She was so small. She slept in the bed with me, followed me everywhere I went, protected me, and comforted me. When I had my miscarriages, I came home and petted my dogs. I cuddled my cats. Pokey would sit by me, with her head on my lap. We would just sit together, and that was enough. She gave me a shoulder to cry on when so many others wouldn't.

I had always wanted her to know my children. She loved children so much. As the years of infertility wore on, I realized that she never would. She wasn't a young dog anymore, and even if we had a child they probably wouldn't even remember her. And let's face it, she was never going to play with them like she had with me as a child; she wouldn't ever tumble in the grass with them, swim with them, or roll down hills chasing them. Those days were far behind her. But she sat at our feet, watched over us, and loved us- and she would have done those things for V too. She lived a very full life, she saw a ripe old age, and she gave so much love and light to my life... she was wonderful. I'm glad she lived long enough to see him home, but I still wish we had longer. Don't we always though?

Rough morning-

I had to say goodbye to my dog, Pokey, this morning. I got her for my 14th birthday, and she went with me as I left the nest. We had 13 years together... 13 years. She gave me so much happiness, and I hope I gave some back to her. God... I miss her so much already.