Emotionally I'm trying to process some things right now. As each week goes by, the reality of my life hits me more and more. V is growing so fast. It's insane. I packed up the new born stuff, and I realized that in 2.5 more pounds he'll be too big for his bassinet... which means moving him into his nursery. And out of our bedroom.
I am not ready for that.
Which leads me to wondering what we should do with his baby stuff. More specifically: do we get rid of the bassinet? We don't know if we'll ever get pregnant again: intentionally, on accident, against all odds... I mean, at all. We planned on preventing for the next, oh probably 5 years, as a matter of fact. Trying to conceive was hard on us emotionally and financially. It took four years of our life away from us. Pregnancy is hard on me, between the clotting disorders, the subchorionic hematoma (which I am highly likely to get again), all the medication, the c-section... and honestly, financially it was very draining because of all the medication and extra monitoring I needed.
We just need some time to recover emotionally, physically, and financially. And honestly, I don't want to go through another miscarriage or uphill battle again so soon regardless. And while we are very open to adoption, it's going to take us more than five years to be ready for that too. So, the plan isn't to even think about things for a few years while we pull ourselves back together. Our words were, "We'll re-evaluate in five years."
I know in my heart this is what's best. I know this is something we need. And I will wait, but I can't stop myself from processing my emotions that come with this. I had many siblings, and while we aren't very close now, it was a wonderful experience growing up. I always wanted my children to have that. V was born on my older brother's birthday, the one who is 13 months older than me. I can't help but think about how close we were as children, what a wonderful experience it was and how I wish V could have someone like that. It's true he's got a cousin just 3 months older than him, and hopefully they'll get to know each other, but it's really not the same thing.
So I keep thinking about that bassinet. I know it's just a bassinet, but it means so much more. It means moving our baby into his own room, it means putting that part behind us... and never knowing if we'll pick it back up again.
Who would have thought it would be so hard to get rid of stuff. I mean, I got what I wanted after all this time, but things still feel like they've been left hanging. And while I'm cool with that for now, eventually I'm going to have to make a decision. I told A after the c-section that I never wanted to do this again. It was wonderful, but it was so hard. I mean, there are no words for how amazingly difficult pregnancy was on me. I've been pregnant four times... and I just don't know if I have it in me to try again. But then I look at V, and I think... maybe I do after all. Someday. If the fates be willing.
For now, I think we'll just put the bassinet in the attic. Out of sight, out of mind. And in time, we will revisit the issue. The bassinet can wait there until then.