Saturday, February 18, 2012

Life is changing-

Emotionally I'm trying to process some things right now. As each week goes by, the reality of my life hits me more and more. V is growing so fast. It's insane. I packed up the new born stuff, and I realized that in 2.5 more pounds he'll be too big for his bassinet... which means moving him into his nursery. And out of our bedroom.

I am not ready for that.

Which leads me to wondering what we should do with his baby stuff. More specifically: do we get rid of the bassinet? We don't know if we'll ever get pregnant again: intentionally, on accident, against all odds... I mean, at all. We planned on preventing for the next, oh probably 5 years, as a matter of fact. Trying to conceive was hard on us emotionally and financially. It took four years of our life away from us. Pregnancy is hard on me, between the clotting disorders, the subchorionic hematoma (which I am highly likely to get again), all the medication, the c-section... and honestly, financially it was very draining because of all the medication and extra monitoring I needed.

We just need some time to recover emotionally, physically, and financially. And honestly, I don't want to go through another miscarriage or uphill battle again so soon regardless. And while we are very open to adoption, it's going to take us more than five years to be ready for that too. So, the plan isn't to even think about things for a few years while we pull ourselves back together. Our words were, "We'll re-evaluate in five years."

I know in my heart this is what's best. I know this is something we need. And I will wait, but I can't stop myself from processing my emotions that come with this. I had many siblings, and while we aren't very close now, it was a wonderful experience growing up. I always wanted my children to have that. V was born on my older brother's birthday, the one who is 13 months older than me. I can't help but think about how close we were as children, what a wonderful experience it was and how I wish V could have someone like that. It's true he's got a cousin just 3 months older than him, and hopefully they'll get to know each other, but it's really not the same thing.

So I keep thinking about that bassinet. I know it's just a bassinet, but it means so much more. It means moving our baby into his own room, it means putting that part behind us... and never knowing if we'll pick it back up again.

Who would have thought it would be so hard to get rid of stuff. I mean, I got what I wanted after all this time, but things still feel like they've been left hanging. And while I'm cool with that for now, eventually I'm going to have to make a decision. I told A after the c-section that I never wanted to do this again. It was wonderful, but it was so hard. I mean, there are no words for how amazingly difficult pregnancy was on me. I've been pregnant four times... and I just don't know if I have it in me to try again. But then I look at V, and I think... maybe I do after all. Someday. If the fates be willing.

For now, I think we'll just put the bassinet in the attic. Out of sight, out of mind. And in time, we will revisit the issue. The bassinet can wait there until then.


Celia said...

I was pragmatic. I figured we should keep everything juuust in case since I knew money would be tighter for us if we did have another baby since we would be one one income. In fact, tonight we folded and sorted a bunch of Peter's clothes for the new baby. I would say keep it if you have the room. I decided when we are done to have someone make a quilt out of some of my favorite outfits and then I can keep them for the boys when they are grown. That way I am not hanging onto a bunch of clothes forever.

It is always bittersweet to move forward, but hopefully you will find as we do that seeing your baby grow and change is so exciting that you don't have time to miss the previous stage.

Crystal said...

I don't know, keeping stuff doesn't mean you're keeping it for you. You might just be keeping it for V. My husband doesn't want any more children, but he doesn't want to get rid of most of our daughter's things. Why? So she can have them when she's older. Or something.

Missy F said...

I think it's still so soon to decide...I had a wretched vaginal delivery w/ my icsi pixie (including grade 4 tears & a blood transfusion) so needless to say in the immediate time after both DH & I said NEVER again, ever. I even sold some baby stuff right away (looking back I think I was in a ptsd/hormonal haze) and now wish I hadn't done it. I have kept some of the nice clothes (and have shared some w/friends) and am now more selective about what I donate, but am now keeping ; ) 20months into this journey and am willing to consider and discuss the possibility of future FET's..Give yourself time to heal (on all fronts) and in the mean time save what you really value & pass on what could help others ; )

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I hear you. Currently most of our possessions are in a storage unit back home. Soon they will be moved to my in-laws to help us cut out a bill we can't really pay. When we had to give up our apartment, we had to choose what to keep, what to give away and what to save. It was really, really, hard! I kept some of the newborn things, since I know at some point in the future I want another, but who knows when that will be. Who knows where we'll be. Shipping overseas is insanely expensive and we can't afford it. So likely, if we had a baby over here, we'd be starting from scratch anyway. But it's hard to even think about giving up some of her things.

jessiwallace said...

If you're not ready for him to be in his own room, use a pack n play. You should be able to find a pre-owned one for really inexpensive. We moved Z into her own room at 3 months, but we were ready... plus she was right across the hall. If you're not, it's perfectly fine to let the little guy sleep in your room longer. As for what to do with the bassinet, I'd hold onto it. If it's in your heart to keep it, it's fine to keep it. As long as you have the space. ;)

Rebecca said...

Hold onto it and re-evalute in a year if you want to keep it past then. You could use it to store a few of his baby toys or clothes that he is currently using.