I've been having really bad anxiety lately. It's not that things haven't been going well, it's just that... well, they've been going so well.
Let me start over. We told our families. Cue panic attack. I got to do a cute announcement, for the first time in our life, and instantly wondered if we're going to regret that. We didn't get to do that with the first three, obviously, since we lost them so soon. With V things just went wrong from implantation, and it was one bleeding crisis after another, and all I could do is write up a thing about spending the night in the ER, morphine was helpful, and oh yeah we're pregnant. So far this pregnancy, while physically demanding, has been going so smoothly. Maybe too smoothly? I don't know, but we announced. Most people didn't get it, but it was cute, and now it's out there.
And oh god, what it something goes wrong? Now they know, and I'll have to put up with all the well meaning, asinine, or apathetic reactions should they go wrong. Oh, you lost one? Could be worse. Oh you lost both? Just try again. Or here's the most familiar reaction- silence and a complete erasure from their memory like my babies never existed. So it's out there... it's not the end of the world, but oh god, it's out there.
What else? Oh yeah, the appointment at 12w4d (STILL ANOTHER FLIPPIN' WEEK AWAY) which if I don't get the answers I feel comfortable with means I'll have to start hunting for a new OB rather late in the game. I'm working on my list of questions/demands, and trying to rack my brain for more, but it's making me so anxious. I always get anxious before appointments, but this is worse. I feel like waiting three weeks to get in has been excessive and I have no way of knowing if it's from the holidays or their attitude towards pregnancy. I'm just worried I won't get the care I need, or I'll be hopping around struggling to find a doctor for too long. I'm just... ugh. I really hate they made me wait this long to get in, and I've been cut loose prematurely from my RE so I could get in with an OB who COULDN'T EVEN SQUEEZE ME IN ANY SOONER.
So, I've been feeling a little anxious off and on. Obviously I can't tell people any of this... because not only would they think I was bat shit crazy, but they totally wouldn't understand. Hell, they're already asking if we know the sex of the babies yet and when we're finding out (jokes on them because we're NOT). They simply can not understand, they've never been through what we have. I'm still worried we won't have live babies to take away from this. We should be 11w4d today... are they still alive? I don't know. And they have no idea about the risks with twins, and won't listen to anything I have to say. I just... ugh. I needed to get that out somewhere.
This week has been long. Wait, we're onto a new week. This week is going to be long. Our third family Christmas thing, then actual Christmas, then V's birthday, and then V's birthday party, and THEN finally the appointment. I just have to survive until then, and try not to overdo it.