First OB appointment-

So things went well, she was very reassuring and she has put in a request for the peri to schedule a consult with us. We discussed a lot, and I left feeling very reassured. We also got another scan, and while the hiding baby was hiding we did get to see them both moving, and we could see their hearts beating strongly. Things looked good! I go back to see my OB again on the 28th, but I'll probably see the peri before that for our consult. We also discussed testing for issues, so A and I are discussing options and deciding what we want to do.

Here's the babies: The best angle we've gotten so far with both of them in it, even if the bottom one is blurry!

I am relieved that everything is still going well, but it does still make me anxious. I'm trying to stay positive and hope that maybe it's just my time for "easy." I don't know. So much went wrong with V that this has been... different. I don't know. It leaves me a little disjointed.

We announced on FB... yikes. I'm nervous about that of course, but we did a cute photo that was a homage to a photo we had done with just V and us. I never got to do something like that either, it's all new territory.

So far so good. I just keep reminding myself that nothing bad has happened yet, and I plan to continue being as proactive as I can.

Two years old!

V turns two today. It's a little surreal. I mean it's believable, but where did the time go? I don't know, but it's awesome. He is definitely my rainbow after the storm, my little dream come true.

It's been such a busy week, with Christmas and birthday preparations. I have to make cupcakes for his party tonight, get everything together, and figure out a few last minute details. I also have a cold so I don't feel like moving, I've been sick since the 23rd but feel a little better today... in some ways. Right now the kid is in gift overload and he's still not done. It's chaos. But it's good.

I get all sentimental when I think of his existence, his conception, his time within me, his birth... I spent so long just hoping to get there, and then the moment (while things did not go as planned and it was scary) was still his, and it was the most wonderful moment. My little mischief maker, charmer, dreamer, and lucky star. I love him so much.

I'm also 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today, hopefully with two viable and healthy babes. Our appointment is Monday so I can't wait for that, I am getting anxious. I had another nightmare last night, which seems to happen as we get this close to an appointment. Hopefully nothing happens and all is well though.

Anxiety

I've been having really bad anxiety lately. It's not that things haven't been going well, it's just that... well, they've been going so well.

Let me start over. We told our families. Cue panic attack. I got to do a cute announcement, for the first time in our life, and instantly wondered if we're going to regret that. We didn't get to do that with the first three, obviously, since we lost them so soon. With V things just went wrong from implantation, and it was one bleeding crisis after another, and all I could do is write up a thing about spending the night in the ER, morphine was helpful, and oh yeah we're pregnant. So far this pregnancy, while physically demanding, has been going so smoothly. Maybe too smoothly? I don't know, but we announced. Most people didn't get it, but it was cute, and now it's out there.

And oh god, what it something goes wrong? Now they know, and I'll have to put up with all the well meaning, asinine, or apathetic reactions should they go wrong. Oh, you lost one? Could be worse. Oh you lost both? Just try again. Or here's the most familiar reaction- silence and a complete erasure from their memory like my babies never existed. So it's out there... it's not the end of the world, but oh god, it's out there.

What else? Oh yeah, the appointment at 12w4d (STILL ANOTHER FLIPPIN' WEEK AWAY) which if I don't get the answers I feel comfortable with means I'll have to start hunting for a new OB rather late in the game. I'm working on my list of questions/demands, and trying to rack my brain for more, but it's making me so anxious. I always get anxious before appointments, but this is worse. I feel like waiting three weeks to get in has been excessive and I have no way of knowing if it's from the holidays or their attitude towards pregnancy. I'm just worried I won't get the care I need, or I'll be hopping around struggling to find a doctor for too long. I'm just... ugh. I really hate they made me wait this long to get in, and I've been cut loose prematurely from my RE so I could get in with an OB who COULDN'T EVEN SQUEEZE ME IN ANY SOONER.

So, I've been feeling a little anxious off and on. Obviously I can't tell people any of this... because not only would they think I was bat shit crazy, but they totally wouldn't understand. Hell, they're already asking if we know the sex of the babies yet and when we're finding out (jokes on them because we're NOT). They simply can not understand, they've never been through what we have. I'm still worried we won't have live babies to take away from this. We should be 11w4d today... are they still alive? I don't know. And they have no idea about the risks with twins, and won't listen to anything I have to say. I just... ugh. I needed to get that out somewhere.

This week has been long. Wait, we're onto a new week. This week is going to be long. Our third family Christmas thing, then actual Christmas, then V's birthday, and then V's birthday party, and THEN finally the appointment. I just have to survive until then, and try not to overdo it.

Alls well-

I'm 10 weeks + 5 days and alllllss well*... as far as we know. Still no bleeding or anything, so that's good- right? I don't know. Probably. I stopped Crinone at 9w6d and have been taking 200mg pharmacy compound progesterone a day since... but ran out last night so we'll see how that goes. I've been getting headaches from wearing my glasses, so every night I'm just done. I haven't been getting on the computer as much. I've had such horrible digestive issues that I've barely been functioning, it was really bad for awhile. But things are getting better there, I think, with the help of medicine.

So, I feel better than with V's pregnancy but also worse.

I still have two weeks until I get to see my OB. Which feels like forever. In the meantime I'm building a list of a hundred questions (which may be an exaggeration) about my care with twins:

- Are they still alive? And then...

- My biggest thing is being referred to a Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist for joint care with my OB. I'm worried she won't do it, and I feel like this is imperative. It's not that I don't trust their care, but I'm not a normal patient with a singleton pregnancy... heck, I'm not even a normal patient with a twin pregnancy. They can be a little laid back, and I feel like I need a lot more monitoring than if this was another singleton pregnancy- I have learned that being pro-active is always better than wondering what if... and I plan to push this issue or switch doctors if I have to.

- Asking about the frequency of cervical scans and growth checks; requesting that they start at 16 weeks.

- Dietary needs (protein, iron, calories, etc...) and testing for gestational diabetes (GD). I'm assuming I'll be tested earlier because of my PCOS and twin situation, I remember getting a random glucose draw at 17wks or something with V in addition to the 1 hour GTT. I stayed on Metformin with him and barely passed, so who knows how that'll go.

- Whether we'll be switching to Heparin again at the end, and discussions of how things will play out with a recurrent c-section (RCS).

- I don't really know what else to ask... so, suggestions are welcome! I would really appreciate it. I've been doing my own research, but I'm a fan of utilizing all my resources. I don't mean that in a bad way either- I've learned so much from people out here on the internet, in this community, and I truly value it. So anything you have to offer, I'd love to hear it. Thank you!



*I hope someone out there heard that in the voice of the vulture guard from Dis.ney's Robin Hood. It's always been one of my favorites :)

9w4d

They're still thriving. Insert HUGE sigh of relief. It was still hard to see the second baby because it's hiding behind the first really really well. I'm talking if we didn't know it was there and hadn't dug around to find it, you wouldn't even know it exists. Whew. So two babies, two heart beats, two very blurry views... but we're good.

I have officially GRADUATED from my clinic. For serious. Hopefully for the last time in my life. With V I walked out of there with my one special baby spoon, today I received two. I can hardly believe it. If all goes well with this pregnancy and these babies, our family will be complete.

Wow.

Here they are... not a great shot, but as I said they were hiding from us. I bet we probably could have seen more with an abdominal scan, but then the measurements wouldn't have been as accurate. A took a video of them and the HBs this time... we didn't do that with V and I always regretted it. The video is a lot more amazing than the photo but here you are!

Hoping so much that things continue going well.

On the lighter side-

Ditching my pregnant after a loss brain for a moment to talk about what else is going on. Today I'm 8w5d pregnant. Yesterday I had tons of cramping and pain down below, seems my round ligament pains are already kicking in. No spotting or bleeding still, and I am clinging to that. It was scary given the timing though, as we were that far along with V when the SCH struck.

Whenever I get hungry (which I am like all the time) I get nauseous, then I get dizzy and everything sounds disgusting. Yet I'm hungry and eating makes it better? It's weird. I have a major aversion to pasta sauce right now, so no spaghetti or lasagna (which happens to be V's two favorite meals). I'm okay with salsa and pizza sauce though, since I'm actually crazing pizza and nachos. Ground turkey, a staple in our diet, sounds disgusting lately. So, anyway... finding food that doesn't make me nauseous is a challenge. I haven't had full on morning sickness, it's just the all day on/off nausea and heart burn. I almost threw up a couple times, I'll admit, but I have a really strong reflex against that. I never had morning sickness with V, it was just this persistent nausea/heartburn.

I also have really bad digestive issues from the high progesterone, but I'm trying to balance it out with Colace.

With the weight gain, which I wouldn't say is pregnancy related, none of my old pants fit me. I have some maternity pants I picked up at the thrift store, and found some "fat" pants in the attic I'd hung onto. Score! The fit, a little loose, and that works great. It'll help me get through a bit longer anyway.

My ovaries still get caught and cause pains from the cysts, but there's a huge improvement in how I've felt since the fluid in my abdomen dissipated. I feel a lot better! When the OHSS initially set in and worsened early in the pregnancy it was bad, and I definitely don't want to repeat that again. I am just very thankful mine was mild. Sometimes it hurts to clear my throat or cough while laying down, it makes the ovaries tug/twist, so I have to be careful of that, but I'm doing good.

Our next appointment is less than a week away now, which is a relief for me. While I hate having so many appointments, with my loss history I am so so paranoid of history repeating itself. I am thankful for doctors willing to coddle me.

Still here-

Almost a week until our next ultrasound. Not that I'm counting down the days or anything. Thankfully this past week went quickly because of the holidays and the fanfare it brings. I had trouble hiding my bloat, but I think most people just assumed I gained some weight back so they didn't say anything.

Monday I'll be 8w4d. I had started relaxing by that point with V, we had a great scan at 8w1d... then two days later everything hit the fan thanks to my subchorionic hematoma (SCH). Then again at 9w4d. This week is going to be a long one, I'm telling you that now. We don't know what causes SCHs, just that certain populations seem to be at increased risk (read: ME). Will I get another one? I don't know... but I know it can happen at any time and it's completely out of my control. There's nothing I can do to stop it, nothing that can predict it, nothing that can help me recover from it if it does happen, nothing I can do to stop it from causing damage.

I feel like with two in there it's more risky should I get one, and that scares me. I specifically remember a conversation with my mother last pregnancy, she said "Too bad it isn't twins," and I looked at her and said, "I'm glad it's not. The SCH is huge, it probably would have detached the other ones placenta." V's was massive, and if there had been more than one in there it probably would have. My REs both (old and current) thought I had a high chance of getting another one this pregnancy, and they both told me, "Hopefully not as bad."

We didn't discuss the risk with multiples and we haven't discussed the possibility of another SCH since. Maybe I'm borrowing worry, but it's a very real possibility and I just want to prepare myself. I wasn't prepared with V, I saw the blood and assumed the worst. With that amount of blood, I don't know anyone who wouldn't! And I know there's a good chance it can happen again.

So far I haven't experienced any spotting or bleeding, but that can change at the drop of a hat and I know that. Things can go from happy to harrowing without notice. You can go from pregnant, to limbo (or simply not pregnant) before you know it.

Pregnancy is such a fragile condition.

Sigh.

Nothing bad has happened yet- may it stay that way.