Unfinished

It's been a week since I got the letter from my reproductive clinic, and I was choking on a decision about to call or not to call. I froze, unable to decide if I should pay the money for one last conversation with my current doctor (who has been amazing- a real godsend to us) or to wait until February and schedule an appointment with our new doctor instead. I hate making decisions like that. I know it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it felt so heavy.

Ultimately I knew I needed this last appointment. I won't get a second chance to talk to her, to pick her mind, to listen to her recommendations. I brought the number up on my screen, and promptly closed it. I brought it up again, and managed to press send. My stomach has been in knots ever since. I have the appointment (January 4th) but I feel so anxious now. I don't know if it's more because I'll have to rehash what went wrong, think about the possibility of it happening again, or because I'll have to say goodbye. Maybe it's all of that, and more.

There's a lot of emotional trauma tied into my reproductive clinic. There's also a lot of wonderful memories. There were times when we were able to laugh hysterically while I waited in the stirrups, and times where all I could do was hold in the tears until I could reach my car. There was a time when they confirmed another miscarriage, and a time when they confirmed there was finally a heart beat. There was that look in Dr. J's eyes when she told us that it was just a matter of time as she urged us not to give up, and the day she said good luck and good bye.

I never really said good bye to any of it though; for me it was always on hold. Even when I didn't know if I was ever going back, I took comfort in the fact that if I did- they would still be there. My clinic has 4 branches across my state now, it seemed pretty certain. And while I knew my doctor might move on at some point, I liked to delude myself that she wouldn't. It was such a shock for me, although it really shouldn't have been.

I've never really said good bye to her because she was still within reach. I mean, I just sent her a greeting card/letter earlier this month. When we planned on trying this coming year, it was with the assumption that she would be there. We thought, "Well, in February or March we'll just schedule an appointment and it'll be no big deal."

Now, I feel full of so many unknowns. I don't know who can help me through the first trimester (assuming I can even get pregnant at all.) I don't know if they're going to give me the same emotional support, or the same understanding. I don't know if they'll be able to handle (or even understand) my neurosis of "oh my god, did I lose another one?" My utter panic at the object of my desire- another pregnancy.

I feel nervous about the appointment, because it means going back. Because it might not offer any answers. Because I'm not sure where we'll go from here. Because it means facing the fact that I am losing the most amazing doctor I've ever had in my life- the woman that never gave up on me, who helped me realize my dream.

Because it means saying good bye.