So, V turns one today! It's still hard to reconcile that much time has passed. This year he's taught me to smile again with my whole heart, without reserve. Yes, there's still pain, there's still grief, still moments of despair, but it doesn't echo in every second of every day. He didn't heal me, that's not his responsibility, he didn't mend all the hurts or replace what I've lost- but he gave me a new reason to smile. He taught me to hope again.
Last year, hearing his first cry was the most amazing sound in the world. It didn't really hit me, until that very moment, that we were actually going to have a baby this time. I mean, I knew, I prepared, I hoped, but part of me never fully believed he'd be coming home with us. It wasn't an intentional blocking or self preservation, I just couldn't bring myself to believe with all my heart. Hearing him cry, after the silence in the operating room, shook something inside me.
Today I'm going to make his cupcakes, let him open some of his presents, and have a small intimate celebration with just A, myself, and V. I'll make his cake, finish all the little touches for his decorations, all his treats, and the shopping, tomorrow. Then, this weekend we'll have a party for family.
Then we'll welcome in the New Year. I'll go see the neurologist for the EMG of my leg. Then we'll say goodbye to Dr. J, and figure out what's next.
But that all comes later. Today, today I'm just thankful that he's here and we survived the first year. It's been amazing watching him grow, watching him take off and learn something new each week, holding him close and soaking him up. Here's to many more years or such joy.