Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ignorance is... ignorance.

The other day a family member posted about how she was buying presents for her nephews, and how she thought it would be more fun if there were nieces. She proceeded to say that we should have girls next time, in all capital letters, and tagged A and his other siblings in it.

I don't know if there are adequate words for how this affected me. I know it might not seem like much, but this is just another drop in an already full bucket of gender-biased/taken-for-granted crap.

In all fairness, she is younger than us. However, she's not completely ignorant. She knows, just like all of our family, exactly what we went through. They might not all know the specifics, but they know that we had several miscarriages. They know that we had to utilize fertility treatments. They know it took us four years. They also know I was on bed rest for months and there was a serious risk of losing him.

But hey, whatev's. Apparently a vagina makes a baby more fun.

I get that there is a lot more adorable girly things you can buy. I often find myself cursing the stores for having this huge section of dresses and shoes, accessories and other goodies, then the boy section is... limited. I like buying cute things for my little man, especially an assortment of cute hats, but I don't like having to hunt them down across various stores and the internet. I get that there is a marketing bias. Really.

But this isn't just about a marketing bias. This is a bias that our families have had since before we even conceived V. This is about a blatant disregard for what we went through, a willful ignorance and insensitivity. Furthermore, every single time they bring this up it's like a punch to the gut because I was pregnant four times... who's to say I haven't already had a daughter, and lost her? Who's to say I'll ever be able to have more children? Having one may prove it's possible, but it is not a guarantee. Every time they bring this up, it's a reminder of how different our reality is from their own.

It hurt my husband, having such willful ignorance coming from so close to home. He ignored the tag, rather than have that show up on his profile. I ignored her and didn't comment, preferring to seethe and talk to my friends about it. I needed an outlet, because honestly I've begun to give up correcting our families. No matter how many times we try to explain what we went through, they choose to ignore it. Or rather, conveniently "forget." I'm tired of fighting, tired of explaining, tired of having to constantly remind... but most of all? I'm tired of being ignored.


An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

Sorry about those ridiculous comments. She was being totally inappropriate. I get that people who haven't been through infertility don't "get it"... but surely people have sense enough to realize the things that come out of their mouths (or the things that they post for the world to see) are horrible.

And for the record, in my experience, baby boys are wonderful whether your family gets that or not.

Also... the gender marketing bias is annoying but has probably been a good thing for me. I'm a sucker for little guy shoes that look like grown-up shoes. And hats. And sweater vests. You'd think for as little selection of boy stuff as there is, I wouldn't have bought that much, right? Wrong. Total lack of restraint. said...

I think family is the worst when it comes to this stuff. Being here again I'm getting a ton of "oh I hope it's a boy" because having two girls means that's what we want?? I want HEALTHY. ugh.


Jennifer said...

There are some things people just can not and will not understand unless they've lived through it themselves. Clearly your experience falls into that category for your family.

Mrs Bishop said...

People are so...I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry for her ignorance and making you feel badly. We hear the same things, since my family has almost all boys. We also get the advice that we can't just have one baby because only children are spoiled. People need to start keeping their advice to themselves!

Rebecca said...

I remember when you were going to find out the sex of the baby and how disappointed his side of the family was that it wasn't a girl. Ugh! I so wish they would stop already. V is a miracle.

Ducky said...

I definitely agree, families are the worst about this stuff. I don't know why they don't take the time to think about what they say. They're the ones who should care most about us. I don't get it.

Stacy said...

My husband's family says stuff like that also, now that I have 2 boys. It took me 3 yrs and 2 miscarriages. It just annoys me...I really hate it when people ask me if I will "try" for a girl. Ummm... I just hope for healthy babies, period.

Your pregnancy was stressful, even my husband would randomly ask about how u were doin!

Celia said...

My side of the family is kind of split. My awesome stepmom is a bit wistful, because she had two sons, and four grandsons. My sister is kind of wistful too. Most of my side of the family is realistic about how active Peter and James are and think I would be crazy to try for a third. My mil-hole when I told her we were having a second son said "Oh". I will let you imagine the deflated tone she had finding our that our MIRACLE FREE BABY SPONTANEOUS PREGNANCY had a penis. I am with you 100%on boys getting screwed with clothes. So aggravating.

We are on the fence about trying for a third, I admit that girl things are adorable but accessories are no reason to bring an entire person into the world. We would welcome a boy, or a girl. I was actually really relieved to find out James was a boy because then I did not have to worry about passing on my PCOS. Like..."Sorry sweetheart those cysts that make you want to die also make you infertile. " So avoiding that was nice, I did not realize how afraid I was of passing that on.