TWW symptom?

What, excessive vomiting isn't a TWW symptom? Are you sure?

Oh, ummm... don't read the rest of this post if you have a faint stomach.















I don't know if it's a stomach virus or food poisoning, but it really ruined my beauty sleep.
Have you ever woke up because you threw up on yourself?
Oh, c'mon, I'm not the only one am I?

Yeah, I said it. I didn't just wake up because I felt like vomiting... no, I woke up because I did it in my sleep.

And that set the mood for the next half hour, where I violently lost everything I ate on Friday. I mean everything. And when I say violently, well... I was screaming, while vomiting, because it just kept coming up so suddenly, and I couldn't stop it. It was like a volcano eruption.

And I have asthma, so I was starting to have an asthma attack mid spew. And it was awful because I honestly thought I was going to pass out because I couldn't breath. I mean, it kept coming so quickly that I could barely breath between it's comings and goings.

Awful. Absolutely awful.
I haven't ate anything yet, I'm actually terrified of food right now.

And I am 7 days past ovulation now, roughly.
I hope this little detour doesn't mess with things.

The long road less traveled

I've been at this for awhile now- it's been 29 months, October officially marks the 2.5 year mark. I find that the longer I travel this long dark road, the harder it gets. Not just with finding the inspiration, the courage, the strength to continue- I mean the motivation, finding bravery in the face of all this loss, failure, and fear.

See, so far I have ovulated 3, maybe 4, times. I have experienced that positive pregnancy test twice now. I have experienced that excruciating pain of pregnancy loss twice as well. I have learned that fertility treatments can make dreams come true, but for some of us they feed false hopes.

There are a great many things this journey has stolen from me, things I will always miss. I will never again look at a positive pregnancy test with a sense of joy. I will never feel excited and carefree as I tell people that I'm pregnant; I never even had that, and I never will. I will never have that naivety in pregnancy back. My first pregnancy will not be remembered with joy. I will never feel confident that I am having a baby until I have a living breathing child in my arms. Holidays are filled with dread, because I fear that someone will happily announce their good news- and I will have to hide in the bathroom because as strong as I am, I am not strong enough for that. I resent that I can't be happy for other people the way I used to be, because I feel too sorry for myself and I can't seem to get past that anymore.

Our family relationships have been forever changed- I will forever resent the way my family decided to treat me after my first miscarriage, and how hard it was on me. I will resent how my husband's family act like all this is so easy, how all of them knew about the miscarriages and that only my mother-in-law said anything, and how even she did not speak to me after the second one. I will resent their insinuations that we should adopt even though they can't begin to understand how difficult that really is- and how they seem to think that we will just let them in our lives when we have children, even though they have nothing to do with us at all as we suffer. I'm resentful because they love their grandchildren so much, and they dote on them so much at Holidays that I feel even worse, because I can't give their son a child. And because I know they didn't like me to begin with, I can't help but wonder if they hate me even more now because of this.

I'm resentful because I am so bitter. I don't want to be.

I used to be confident that I would be a good mother. The longer I walk this road, the more I doubt this. I haven't changed personally- I mean, I'm more weathered and my life situation has improved since we started- but I doubt my future parenting skills now. And it all boils down to this- the longer I have to think about what it means to be a parent, the more terrified I get.

I mean, watching my niece run around like a wild-child who doesn't understand the word "no", and getting worn out from just spending an hour with her- I have to ask myself, do I have what it takes? When I actually think about my entire life focus would shift (Well, not entirely- right now it's all focused on becoming a parent. It would just shift to being a parent.) I mean, afternoons watching television with my husband would be out, sitting on the computer and playing online as much as I do would be out, reading books and being absorbed in an art project, going out on a whim... all out. How would I handle situations that come up? What about stitches, school issues, babysitting, etc... We don't have a good extended network of family, I have to figure most things out myself. Illness, weaning, potty training, child safety proofing my house, an active toddler getting into stuff, and the horrible horrible teen years... it scares the beejeezus out of me.

But then I remind myself, it all comes in it's own due time. You adapt, you trade off. A night sitting in reading a book, becomes reading and learning time together. Working on an art project becomes arts and crafts time. Going out on whims becomes date nights, or family trips, or family nights in. Life would become different, but in a way you have (if you're like me) desired for years. You learn as you go along- most people don't have it all figured out before they become parents.

And then I stop hyperventilating.
I want to be a mother- even if it scares me now more than ever.

I wonder if most people even think about what is really involved in becoming a parent- I mean truly think about it- before they take the plunge.

I am thankful for some things on this journey- I know that I will be a better parent now, I have had plenty of time to prepare, plenty of time to be more gracious, plenty of time to acknowledge that this isn't going to be easy at all. I have longed and suffered so much in pursuit of this dream- I know it will be worth it. I now understand how much my husband truly loves me. I count my blessings, and mourn my losses, and keep walking- I have become stronger, more resilient, because of it. I've realized that my life really is wonderful, and even if it doesn't work out the way I want it too- I can still be happy.

Am I glad I have infertility?

No- but life gives us what it gives us, and we have no choice but to either work with it, or to give up. So, I keep working with it- even if each step feels like agony.

A closer look at IUI

The IUI really was the simplest part of this whole process. We dropped off our specimen first thing in the morning, and then came back an hour later.

When we returned, we got to sit in the room for about ten minutes while we waited on the doctor. After she arrived, she got the catheter and specimen ready to go, inserted the speculum and the next think I knew- she was done. Didn't feel the catheter at all. I got to lay for ten minutes, and then we left.

Afterward there was some cramping but that was manageable with my trusty acetaminophen- and it passed quickly. So, overall the IUI was pretty simple. Of course, I have to question why the thing costs so much, but everything about infertility costs a fortune- so it doesn't surprise me.

I guess my main issue with IUI for us, is that I just don't think it's neccessary. I mean, maybe it will give us an extra 1-3% chance of getting pregnant... but the sperm meeting the egg hasn't been our problem at all. Our problem is egg production, and losing babies. So, the IUI- although simple- seems wasteful. I mean, I'll be glad if it works out, and it was certainly less stressful for me than trying to have intercourse when I didn't want to (2.5 years of infertility and I'm just now finding minor issues with getting in "the mood") But I still felt it was a waste of money.

I don't know- maybe it's my psychosis with believing that everything was for nothing.

But I have to tell myself that, really, because I don't want to get my hopes up. Not right now.

I started the progesterone supplements last night. They are gross, but I'll do what I have to in order to give this cycle a fighting chance. I owe it that much, I suppose.

And we are now 2 days past ovulation. I am pretty positive I ovulated the day of my HCG trigger shot, or the day afterward. Just judging my my body's reaction, my basal body temperature, and such. I could be wrong- I mean maybe I didn't actually ovulate at all.

Who knows. I certainly don't. I'm just making wild assumptions.

And now

the wait.

We went out early, got the deed done. I must say, it was interesting to drive down the highway with a cup of my husband's sperm shoved in my bra. But, had to keep it warm... or maybe, I just felt it couldn't hurt. His numbers were "excellent", per the doctor. I believe the stats were like 79 million swimmers with 65% motility...

At least one of us has working parts.

The IUI was pretty painless, just like a pap.
Except for the mild cramping afterward- that was annoying.

Afterward I had my husband stop at the dollar tree where I purchased several cheap home pregnancy tests, which I will use to test out the trigger shot... I may be a little O.C.D. But, you know, testing it out is one of the few things I have control over.

At this point, pretty much everything is out of my hands. I have some old fashioned baby making to tackle, but other than that... it really is out of my hands. Thank goodness- I finally get to relax.

The cashier probably thinks I was a nutjob because of how many I bought, ha ha ha.

And now, since there were far more witty things to say... and they just aren't forming into coherent thoughts, probably due to sleep deprivation... I am going to take a nice Saturday afternoon nap.

Surprises-

are not always good.

Do you remember how awesome Righty was doing? Yeah?
Well, Righty surprised even the doctor today.
Righty gave up. What a slacker.
That nice 14 and 16 from just two days ago? Gone. Shrunk.
I totally didn't see that coming.

Shame on you Righty.

Now lefty- at least- decided that enough is enough.
Lefty took it upon herself to go ahead and make a 17, a 16.6, and another 16.
If you recall, just two days ago all Lefty had was a 12 and a 15.

Go Lefty.

Of course, my doctor was concerned that maybe I was getting ready to surge on my own. So, rather than allow that craziness to happen, we went ahead and triggered. (*sigh*) I would have liked them to be a mm or two bigger, but I guess I should be thankful that they're even still there at all.

So, we go ahead with the IUI tomorrow morning.
Then I start the progesterone suppositories (ick) Sunday night.
And then, everyone (except me) will just have to hope for the best.

I'm definitely not optimistic about this cycle.
I may have had an inkling of hope before (that rat bastard)-
but I think I have thoroughly squelched it out now.

And so, the wait begins.

Hope-

that dangerous, devlish, thought.

Don't let me dare breath it out-loud.
Help me repress it, please.

Things are progressing just as they should be.
I don't have my E2 for you yet, but here's what I have:
A 14 and 16 on Righty & a 12 and 15 on Lefty.

If things continue like this, I will be able to trigger by Friday.
And a possible IUI on Saturday.

I was given the option of a back-to-back IUI, but we pay out of pocket and have no known sperm issues (Not that we bothered testing, but with three ovulations resulting in two pregnancies, and this far into our journey- I'm just not that interested. I know, I know- I should, it's good to know... but I prefer not to.)

So, since I am guessing I respond quickly to the HCG, I opted for the 24hour IUI, rather than the 48 or 36hour. My doctor is okay with this, though she recommends doing two. But, I am still not sure that we will even have one. I can loosely plan on having one, but that doesn't mean we will. Many things can go wrong- follicle insubordination, inability to perform from pressure, the car could break down (I will bum a ride in this scenerio, so it's the least worriesome!)

The bottom line- I don't want to allow myself to get too hopeful. Yes, there are follicles. Yes, I may actually (for reals) ovulate this time. The pieces are falling where they should- but we all know that this could still mean nothing.

So, I'd just rather not be hopeful.
Suppress, suppress, supress...

Where we once were

Sunday my blood work got messed up- apparently there wasn't enough serum to run my estradiol level? Yeah, I don't get it either- the women took half a vial. Apparently that was half a vial too little.

So Monday, we had to get it re-done. So we went to a lab that was closer, but is still part of the lab corporation, so it should have been processed- right? No, they didn't send it out like they should have. So, I had to wait until today to finally get my E2... a nice 271.
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So, let's re-cap where we are this cycle, compared to my last injectable cycle... shall we?

This cycle I had an E2 of
34 on CD3,
then 52 by CD 6,
271 by CD10.
I also already have a 10 and an 11 maximum this cycle, per my ultrasound on Sunday.
I was upped to 225iu by CD6.

Last time I had an E2 of
34 on CD11,
then 86 by CD17,
160 by CD20,
and 296 by CD23.
I had an 11 finally on CD 20 that cycle.
I didn't get upped to 225iu until CD 23... and even then, he only thought I was on 187.5iu.

What a huge difference.
I wonder what tomorrow's ultrasound and blood work will show?
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Oh, yesterday was my husband's birthday too. So, he enjoyed getting up early on his birthday/day off work, and going with me for some needle-sticking-fun. I made up for it by letting him eat wherever he wanted for lunch, which was a mistake- a big one. I don't mind burritos every now and then, but they upset my tummy big time. I think I ate too much of it, or it had too much lime... because yesterday I was nauseous all day. I'm glad he enjoyed it though.

We actually celebrated his birthday on Friday, because my little brother was here to share it with us.

My little brother still stays with us on the weekends, he is insistent... and I am not going to argue, because I love him and enjoy our time together. I can't believe it will be his birthday in another two weeks- and he'll already be 14!

I bought my husband some computer-geek t-shirts, and made him a tacky computer cake with binary on it- see? The binary was supposed to read, "Happy Birthday" but I ran out of room.

I know, it's not very good looking- but it was delicious and unexpected. So he liked it.

I am older than my husband, by 8 months (that's almost a year!) so every year I joke with him about how he finally caught up to me- and then the cradle robbing jokes begin. See, he was two months away from his 18th birthday when we actually started dating- and I was already 18, obviously.

Oh, I know- terrible.
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I should have a cycle update tomorrow- let's hope it's a good one!