Monday, August 5, 2013


Yeah. The water main was not fixed properly, so it started leaking again. We spent most of last weekend without water while that got resolved (hopefully for the LAST TIME).

 My brother had his baby, and much mocha was drank. Lots of sappy things were posted. Some felt abrasive to my heart, not through any fault of his own. Just bragging about how she managed the pregnancy, with no medical issues, worked till the end, how it was the longest pregnancy, and so on and so on. I know he was praising her, but in the process he was making light of what others may have went through. I'm just being sensitive, and he's a proud papa, which is why I'm not saying anything.

It's yet another reminder of how my reality differs from almost everyone I know.

Speaking of which, many pregnancy announcements were had. Some made me so freakin' happy! While some made me happy, but also reminded me... you know, that is never ever in a million years going to be me. I'm not saying I'll never get pregnant, I mean announce early, be giddy, have it come without massive medical intervention and demand upon my person... ain't gonna happen.

I feel resentful that not only did treatments fail to work so far, but that we have to wait before we can even try again. I'm not resentful against anyone, I mean it's not anyone's fault my body is stupid and our finances leave something to be desired... I'm just mad at the universe I guess. I'm mad at our insurance. I'm mad at life. I guess you could say I've reached the anger stage of the grieving process?

Maybe it's just the hormones. My BCP is back to the "ya shall bleed one week, then not the next, but then the next week, and not the next..." And I want a dozen cookies, hosed down with a glass of milk.

Pfft... whatever.


Celia said...

I always feel that way too. My cousin bought her dream house, and it was my dream house too. Except we don't live in it. We live in a crappy house because it's what we could afford along with infertility treatments. I wish I would not feel that tug of jealousy I get when other people march along with everything going the way they planned. I had plans too. I certainly never planned to be an older parent. Obviously I am thrilled to be ANY kind of parent, but still. I know you know. said...

First, BCP are f-ing awful on their own.
Second, I can't read posts like that on FB at all. My second cousin announced her 2nd pregnancy on FB at 7 weeks. Then went on and on about wanting another girl. Found out it's a boy (so now she'll have one of each). It didn't stop her 21 yr old self from complaining. Cue wanting to scream at her :)

Kelly said...

I understand completely.

St Elsewhere said...

You really need some appliance voodoo in your house - something is constantly breaking down!

And Congrats on becoming an aunt, but so sorry about the silly bragging that went on with it. Some people have it very easy fertility-wise, and it does not make them understand that the miracle was not just the safe pregnancy, but the conception itself.

Take care of yourself.

iamstacey said...

As wonderful as they are, I think for me pregnancy and birth announcements will always come with a bittersweet mix of joy for them and longing for me. Even now, as we approach the end our our journey, and we have been so blessed, it's still hard to see those announcements. Even the stupid celebrity pregnancies give me a pang.