Getting back on track-

I've been failing at my diet for months now. I went out and bought healthier snacks and lunch options over the weekend, and began a new drive for fitness this week. Day three, and so far so good. Today I had cereal, then for lunch I had a veggie pita and grapes (yum). For dinner, Tilapia with rice and broccoli. We eat a lot of broccoli, since it's like the only veggie V will knowingly eat.

Later I'm going to chow down on some mulberry pie though, because my tree is going nuts and I'm swimming in berries. It's actually really good! I was surprised, because I'm not a fan of baked fruit. I'm hooked now though, a warm slice with a little cool whip is awesome. I'm freezing berries for later too. It's a little tedious de-stemming them, but worth it. And hey, they're free, so can't beat that! We never get any cherries from our other tree, since the birds/bugs beat us to them every. single. year.

I can eat more on my jogging days, up to 2,000cal usually, so I don't struggle there. The days when I don't work out though, I'm limited to 1,500cal... and I do struggle with that. Like I said though, so far so good this week. I just gotta keep it up! I planned out my meals for the week (Friday is a free day since we'll be out of town) and that's been going great so far. It helps streamline things at night. It's really helping me sit down and plan my meals/snacks for the day too.

I have regained some weight, about 4-7lbs depending on the day I weigh myself. I've regained an inch on both my waist and hips. That's from two months of failing on my diet, but maintaining my workouts. Sigh. So, my clothes still fit but they're a little more snug. Hopefully I can get things moving soon. I bought some new running shoes, I've increased my jogging pace (legs are killing me), and I'm taking more walks- so that's something. This morning the weather was beautiful so I went for a half-hour walk around town, then "relaxed" in the yard with V. Relaxed, as in sat for a minute, then chased him away from the rose bushes. And bees. Repeatedly.

I feel a little more focused. I do need to watch my weight, or else that bridesmaid dress isn't going to fit me in September. And, I would like to be closer to a healthy BMI before we start TTC again. Bottom line though, I'm slowly releasing the emotions that had been building over the last few months: the unworthiness, the low self esteem, the feelings of failure, sadness. Just focusing on today, not next week, or next month, helps.

I think a lot of the emotional stuff is related to my (seemingly) unattainable goals. I tried to lose these last 25lbs, and instead gained some back. I tried to get pregnant, but instead wasted $2k. I know I could have tried harder at the weight loss, so I can own that, but by doing so I blame myself. Even when I settled with trying to maintain, I failed at that. Trying to get pregnant, well we tried our best for that and it still didn't work. Both goals seem so simplistic, and yet they're not. There's no logic to them. You can put in x amount of effort, follow the formula, and yet you come up with completely random answers. Calories in vs calories out don't always work to lose weight. Having well timed intercourse, with multiple eggs, doesn't always achieve a pregnancy. It leaves me feeling helpless and weak.

I'm trying to reassert what control I can. I'm taking control of my diet (again). I'm going back to the fertility doctor on Friday to see what else we can do. I can't make things happen, but I can help them along. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.