4 months out-

V is four months old today. I really don't know where the time is going. He started rolling over the other day, just a couple of times but it's a start. He's definitely started grabbing more. He likes his Jumparoo- it's really good for him since he likes standing, and it's got the toys/music/lights to keep him playing. He continues to fight sleep during the day; some days it's not so bad, others it's very frustrating. He blows raspberries, squeals, and laughs a lot more. It's awesome watching him grow.

I'm really excited about this coming year. I've spent so many years in uncertainty that I'm really enjoying the moment and looking forward of things to come. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

I keep thinking about how awesome next Christmas will be. Last Christmas was the best one in years- before that one, we'd given up all hope of a biological child. I remember that Christmas, we'd filled our "Wish" ornament with our wishes, and then we told them to each other. Our wishes were the same- that we'd get enough money for adoption, and for a house. While neither of those wishes came true, I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world. Things aren't perfect- far from it- but they're wonderful.

Don't Ignore Your Resources

When it comes to infertility, I think one of the most important things you can do is utilize your resources. Resources come in many shapes and forms, it can be a family member, a friend, social networking sites, online forums, your local library; they all hold knowledge. Now, you shouldn't be your own doctor on this journey, but I find it crucial that you be your own advocate. Know what questions to ask. Be your own advocate, even if it makes you uncomfortable, even if you're afraid of confrontation, ask questions anyway. Doctors are not gods, they don't hold all the answers as much as we want them too.

When I started out, I didn't even know how the female reproductive cycle worked. I read books like Taking Charge of Your Fertility and remedied that. I didn't know about the latest treatments available, I talked to my doctor, I read books, I asked online, I met up with women who've been through this. I felt less alone, and I felt empowered. By learning what I could, I was able to make an educated decision to leave my former reproductive doctor and search for one better suited to my needs. If I has stayed with him, I might not have my son. I was able to ask the right questions of my new doctor, to suggest treatments that I was more comfortable with, and work together with my doctor to meet our goal.

I spent those four years on a quest for knowledge. In return, I've been able to advise friends and family about what they should ask their doctors too. I've taken from others, and I've given. But my biggest piece of advice has always been this: Be your own advocate. Use the resources you have available.

Today is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW),
for more information please visit Resolve.org

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

A month down-

It's been about a month since I planned to start working on weight loss, and the first month hasn't went so well. It had a really bumpy start, but since I stopped nursing I've done much better. I've been religiously watching my calories since April 1st. I'm doing pretty well so far, I try to keep it below 1800cal/day for right now, but eventually I'd like to take it down to 1500cal/day. In the past, 1500 has been my magic number, but 1800 is working pretty good for now. So far I've lost about 4lbs, if my home scale is to be believed.

As for exercising... still not much going on there. I really need to get on that, but little man is so clingy and he fights sleep like a master. At night, he gets extremely cranky because he gets overtired, from the lack of naps, then at midnight he passes out for the night. Whew. Once the weather gets better, I really do want to start taking him for walks but right now I feel very strapped for time. The most exercise I get day to day is walking V from the living room to the kitchen, and back and forth, back and forth, all night... and if I'm very lucky, cleaning! I try to look at cleaning as multipurpose- I burn calories, and the house looks better. It's truly a win-win. Still, I would really like to get back on the treadmill.

I re-measured my waist/hip/neck to compare to last year to see where things stand. Surprisingly, my neck and waist are the same... but my hips are 2 inches bigger (from the pouch I have on my lower belly). I guessed as much, since my pants fit different there (and I have eyes that can see it) but I didn't realize it was 2 whole inches larger. It's so weird being the same weight but having a different body shape. Well, I take that back... I'm now the same weight, I'm 4lbs lighter now. Ha.

I started regular BCP to control my PCOS. I almost didn't get them because of my clotting issues, but since mine are minor and I take a low-dose aspirin a day it should be fine. BCP has always helped me a lot in the past. Besides regulating me (since I don't ovulate) it also helps with pesky PCOS symptoms. And it works wonders at preventing my cysts, and getting rid of existing ones. I really don't want to worry about cysts right now. So, here's hoping it does it's thing.

I would post a progression picture, but there really isn't much progress. I look exactly the same in each photo. Yuck. Hopefully next month I'll see some changes...

Little steps-

So, I stopped breastfeeding. After I finished the Reglan, my supply dropped so low that I couldn't even nurse him in the morning anymore. I made it to 1 day shy of 3 months, and I know that's the best I could do. What I was pumping really wasn't worth the time and effort it was taking, so I am at peace with this. Honestly, I spent too much time getting frustrated and crying over it, so it was a huge relief when I stopped. I still miss it, but I know it was time to let it go.

Allowing my milk to dry up sucked. It was painful, and I kept second guessing myself, but it's over now.

I'm switching from the mini-pill to a regular estrogen/progesterone pill now.* Hopefully that will help with my PCOS symptoms, goodness knows I need it. I'm still on the Metformin, but that only helps me so much. Meanwhile, the pill should prevent cysts for me at least and give me a regular cycle since I don't do that on my own.

As for the weight loss... yeah, I haven't been on the treadmill in awhile. But, since I stopped breastfeeding, I've been watching my calories. I'm in week one, otherwise known as the hunger stretch! I always find the first couple of weeks the hardest, as my body adjusts. I feel hungry all the time, but it's not a bad hunger. It's bearable, I mean I'm not starving, I'm just wishing for more. I know that once I adjust, it'll be fine. Getting there can be tough though! So no real progress to report but I'm taking it a step at a time.

I really need to get motivated on the exercise. Maybe schedule out some time for A to watch V while I work out- and then, no excuses for not getting it done. I really want to start jogging regularly again, and I do miss yoga too. The weather is starting to get nicer, so I want to start taking V for walks in his stroller too. I think he'd like that anyway.

*eta: I don't know if I'm switching now. The nurse was concerned about my clotting disorders and taking estrogen pills. I think since mine are minor clotting issues, and I'm on low-dose aspirin, it should be fine, but what do I know. So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to talk to them again Monday. I may need to consider other options there.