I've just been thinking about a lot of things.
I am disenchanted with my job, and ready to look for greener pastures. I should have probably done this already, but now there's a lot more drama and budget cuts, and I know I can't take much more of this crap. Really, I should be looking for a full-time position where I can utilize my degree... but finding a place locally that is what I'm looking for, well, it's a joke. One of the many drawbacks for living in a small city. I'm not interested in commuting either, so that doesn't help. I really need to get an entry level positions somewhere else and continue to build up experience in other fields.
So there's that going on. I was going to wait until spring, but with the way things currently are at my work... I don't think I'll last that long, I'll probably explode or have a nervous breakdown before then.
My dogs are old. And it's starting to sink in just how old they are. The medium sized dog is at least 13. My large Labrador Retriever is turning 12 on the 28th. That's really old considering her breed/size. Not to mention, last year she started tripping down a few steps at a time going down the stairs. The other day she tried to follow me up the stairs, and fell down at least the lower 1/4 of the stairs. She snores heavier and sleeps harder... like, sometimes shaking her doesn't even wake her right away. I have had each of these dogs pretty much their entire lives- my big girl since she was four weeks old, my little old man since he was maybe a year, maybe two. I got him when I was 13, and my girl when I was 14 (a birthday present). You can't really tell he's that old, except that his muzzle is almost entirely white now and it used to be golden orange like his fur. But he's certainly ageing too.
Watching them grow old, watching her decline in physical ability, forces me to think about what's going to happen... specifically, what's going to happen sooner than I want to admit. Ever since the recent incident on the stairs, it's been on my mind. They're getting old. Someday, they won't be here with me. I've just been emotional off and on, watching her struggle with the steps really sets me off. Watching her struggle with anything really sets me off actually.
I also have a cat that's about her age. That girl looks the oldest of the lot, and I really worry about how much longer she'll be around. She's lost a lot of weight, doesn't maintain her body weight effectively, and just clings a lot. This cat used to be feral, and she's had several litters of kittens before she was fixed, so I know she's aged a bit faster than some cats... but man, it's hard. I can't give her medicine or anything... her name is Demon Voure- Devo for short- if that tells you anything... nice lap cat, seriously, but she has an attitude about touching her/picking her up/doing anything she doesn't like. I tamed her from being feral, but I don't think you can ever take all the wild out of a cat. Like, sometimes when you pet her she'll like it but she'll growl as if she doesn't, but usually only if other cats around (she apparently has an image to uphold), if you're all alone with her she purrs. She has a broken meow, and a broken purr- I joke and say her meow box is broken, because in the eleven years I've had her, I heard her meow normal once. I think she's faking it, haha. But seriously, my girl is old. And this worries me.
My animals are my family, they aren't really pets. They all chose to stay with me, actually they wouldn't let me put them out or leave them even if I wanted to. If they sneak out, they hang around and wait for me to call them and I've literally had them jump into my arms to be brought home. So I know I'm rambling, but I've had these three for half my life. Literally. And I know my time is limited now; it's hard. I could have many more years, I know... but I might not. And that's something I hadn't wanted to acknowledge.
The holidays... not looking forward to going to the in-laws for dinner. They'll be playing pass around the baby, and probably starting on on sister-in-law and her new fiancée. I hope they don't ask us questions, some of them know about our situation, and some of them can't put two and two together. And not a single one of them know how to handle the situation. They usually pass over us anyway, and while I feel slighted that they ignore us... I am also thankful that they do.
I did buy a bunch of presents for the nieces/nephews. I can't wait for them to get their presents. I get a bit excited about these things sometimes, haha. I, ummm, also employ this philosophy that as an aunt it's my job to buy them the noisiest toys I can find. In my defense, the kids like them. And also... it's great revenge on the siblings who may have picked on you growing up (*ahem, like all of mine*). Muahahaha! And here's the upside of being infertile, they can't get revenge on me. I'd love it if they did, and not mind at all (I mean, c'mon, I would love to have kids period!) but since it's going to be awhile until we have kids... we don't have to worry about revenge for awhile. Can I get another Muahahaha!
I also bought and sent in my gift for the giving tree project at the local store. I picked a 14 year old girl, there were a lot of un-picked older kids on the tree and that always makes me sad. Everyone would rather pick a baby or smaller child, but really? It's the older children who are going to notice the lack of presents the most.
That's just my opinion and experience though, I guess. When I was younger I didn't notice when our holiday gifts were lighter than usual, but I still remember the year when I was fifteen and I got one gift (from anybody at all- just one gift total). It was a hard winter for a lot of other reasons, but that made it even harder I think. Buying gifts for the girl made me feel better, especially that I am able to give back, and that hopefully her holiday will be a little brighter. But it also brought up a lot of memories and emotions from where I was younger and we were a lot poorer than I am now. Which was hard too. Sometimes it feels like all that stuff that happened to me, happened to someone else instead. I know it shaped me into who I am, but when I'm sitting at home all snug and warm, it's easy to forget about the nights I froze because we didn't have heat. Or with a fridge full of food, it's easy to forget counting down the days until my mother either got paid or got her food stamps. When my husband buys me almost everything I want for the holidays, it's easy to forget that sometimes I had almost nothing.
I will have another post up soon, right now I'm just kind of here and there.