Thursday, April 1, 2010

it's the little things-

The other night I was at work getting extremely flushed- hot flash central. Oh. My.

I got so desperate for something cool to put on my face that I went and got a wet paper towel. I was about to get ice, but I was cleaning the office and had a can of air to use on the key board. Mmm, those things get nice and cold. I was totally holding it to my face for a bit, before I looked up and noticed one of the women in the shelter walk by. Heh. Ignore the hot-flash-riddled-25-year-old-might-as-well-be-menopausal at the desk... I'll add that to my interesting stories related to infertility. Not as much fun as shooting up in the Starbucks parking lot, but still- awkward.

Those seem to have subsided now, I'm 3 days out of the Clomid haze- still getting my ass kicked by the Clomid migraines though. Ick.

Yes, it's cycle day 10. How exciting. (*crickets chirping*)
I am leaving tomorrow (unless something happens) and will most likely be off the grid (*evil grin*) until Sunday.

When I get back, I will be sure to update about the infamous ultrasound pronto. It will either be riddled with cuss words, or point blank with shock- I won't bother telling you which one I am expecting. Although, if it worked worked I would be over the moon- but I am trying not to bother entertaining that option at all.

You'll notice I changed my profile picture- here it is if you want to see it clearer:
It's from my favorite park. The man that owned the property was divorced twice, and never had children. He built this massive mansion and garden back in his heyday during the 1920's- when he died, his property was donated to the public for everyone to enjoy.

It is 47 acres covered with trails, brick paths, ponds, fountains- it's magical. There are several statues, and I believe I've seen them all now. This one I saw for the first time this year, it looks out over the lawn. It's a lady, or a servant, I don't know which. To the other side of her was a lord or other man servant- he was hunting, she was gathering flowers apparently. But they were both looking out of the front lawn waiting for something.

There was just something about this image that struck me, and I had to capture it. Here she is, crumbling, losing half her face to time- yet here she stands, forever looking over the yard waiting. Always waiting. And the sun keeps rising, falling, rising. While she waits. I don't know- I saw sadness and hope in this photo. If it was a real person standing there like that, it could be seen as hopeful since they are looking out before them and the sun is shining and things are beautiful. But here, she is a statue- and nothing changes for her, no matter what. Frozen in time waiting.

In other news- yeah, sister-in-laws pregnancy dealt me another whammy. Guess when she's due? Well, it's anywhere between her birthday and A-s birthday (they were born a year apart, their birthdays are two days apart) Yup- she's excited about how this is going to be the best birthday present ever.

I wish mine had been- the second one that I conceived on my birthday made me so excited. At the time I was over the moon and hoped it was a sign of good things to come-

Don't get me wrong- I really am happy for her, I am glad that she doesn't have to go through any of this. It's just hard having to face absolutely everything I don't have, never have, and might never ever have. Watching her go through all this just reminds me how it should have been. I should have gotten pregnant as soon as we started trying, my bleeding should have been nothing, I should never have miscarried, I should have been able to make plans and announce without worry about losing it, I should have... but I didn't. I don't. I can't. And things will never ever be like that for me.

It's the first real-up front-shoved in my face at every turn-pregnancy since the diagnosis and losses. And it's the first younger sibling since the diagnosis. I'm sure that isn't helping things at all. Even further reminding me how much older I am than when we started trying, and how very long we've been trying. It's one thing to say three years, than to really see it.

Three years. Officially this month, we've been on this path for three years.


Kristin said...

Lots of {{{Hugs}}} sweetie.

That statue and everything you wrote about it are beautiful.

Michelle said...


Unfortunately, the longer you are in this thing it does not get better. Going on 10 years and I feel further away then ever!

I love the statue! I hope all goes well with the ultrasound. Fingers crossed.

Celia said...

Three years. I remember when we hit The Big Three. It was really depressing. What was odd for me was that we started trying to get pregnant in March four years ago, lost our first baby in March three years ago and Peter was born this March four years almost to the day of when we started trying.

Have a good weekend, I will be waiting your update.

WiseGuy said...


And all we do is stare at pregnancy tests cooling in disuse in the refrigerator.

I am so sorry that Clomid is kicking you full-on. It also sux that you have to deal with a pregnancy that will always remind you of the could-have.

Good Luck!

CeCe said...

Best of luck to you this cycle!