Sunday, April 18, 2010

Fail-

So, 12dpo and the tests say no. Not just any normal tests, these are new super sensitive ones, they can detect HCG at levels as low as 10 (I know, that's nuts) And since that test says no, I feel confident that I am out.

I should get a new cycle started tomorrow or the next day, even on progesterone it should start up. Soooo... I guess we'll go from there. I will probably have a baseline, and if things look okay we will probably do my Clomid-combo cycle again.

How do I feel about this... pretty sad, honestly. I expected it, but still- it's disheartening. A positive would have made me nervous and anxious and stricken terror in me, made me cry for all the possible ways it could turn out. A negative can only turn out one way, so while that is easier- it is still a negative.

Even if it had been positive I wouldn't have had any guarantees- I know this. And I would have a totally different emotional spillage today.

But it's been 3 years and I am just so tired of all this. I look back and I can't help but take a moment today, and cry it out- how much longer will I have to wait? how much more heartache and failure must I endure? I'm not just talking about trying biologically to conceive here, I mean in the broader spectrum of things, the bigger plan, how much longer? Even if we adopt, that's years off. I am so tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

8 comments:

MrsSpock said...

Crap on toast. The waiting and not knowing is the worst part. If we had a finite time, and knew that in 40 months our wait would be over, at least it would be bearable.

Celia said...

I'm sorry boo.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}}...I am so sorry.

Shelby said...

I'm so, so sorry. :( The dichotomy of the dread of a positive but the disappointment and heartbreak of a negative is the cruelest kind of roller coaster.

Michelle said...

Sending you lots of hugs. I know every month I expect to et a negative but then act surprised when I do. I never learn.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix this for you...


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Al said...

I'm sorry for the negative :-(.

Flying Monkeys said...

I think those tests are a curse. I watched them darken then lighten and I would bring stark white tests to the window to see if maybe I could eek out a line. The line never brought a sense of relief.
I'm sorry that you're going through this.