Friday, April 16, 2010

Anxiety-

I am testing this weekend. I will be 11 days past ovulation (dpo) on Saturday, and with all three of my previous pregnancies I always had a positive test by 11dpo. I am not supposed to test until the 21st per my doctor, but we all know I can't wait that long.

It's not that I'm looking forward to either possibility right now- how sad is that- but rather that I want to know what I'm up against. Am I facing a quick end with a fairly boring cycle, or is it to be riddled with a positive and then the dread of another miscarriage. Should I prepare for the worst, or prepare myself for the possibility of more heart ache.

A positive test for me is not sunshine and rainbows like it may be for some women. For me a positive test is now riddled with sentiments that run more along the lines of "fuck, now what?" Because a positive makes me wonder if I am going to lose another month from my life, am I going to end up doubled over in pain screaming, am I going to lose another baby and another chunk of my heart?

The possibility of a successful pregnancy flits about in my mind, but it doesn't settle. It doesn't last, because I know- I know- how the odds are against me. Memory eats away at that far fetched idea of me pregnant this summer, me giving birth to an honest to goodness living child, it eats away at thoughts of a growing belly and ultrasound screens that show heart beats- No, memory offers me other things to fill my thoughts with. Condolences, dropping betas, no heart beat, no yolk sac, contractions and a perfect golf ball sized gestational sac passing while I scream alone in my bathroom.

Sure, I would love to get pregnant again- if you can give me a guarantee, a promise that this time would be different- that this time I would get a healthy living child out of this- my heart would explode with joy then. But only then.

I know- I don't have a guarantee that it won't end that way either. What I have is a history and statistics that say it very well could. And the weight of those are overwhelming.

I'm not looking forward to a positive test, but I am not looking forward to a negative test either.

I know most people don't understand this, I barely do- but I still don't know what I want. But I wanted to give it a try, and put it out there for the universe- I wanted to take a chance, to make sure I knew I have done everything I could. I didn't leave a stone unturned in this pursuit, I have given it my all.

And soon enough, we'll know where that's taken me this month.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

I TOTALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! The last time I saw a positive pregnancy test I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and crying. No one understood why I reacted that way since it is what I hope for each and every month but the truth is a BFP is just the beginning of the fight.

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.

Celia said...

I agree, I did not relax EVER during my pregnancy. I am praying that whatever happens, you can handle it.

CeCe said...

Good luck. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Penny said...

Don't test. Wait another day, or 3, or however long you can move along in the bubble of not knowing. But you will test, so: very best of wishes your way. Truely. We hope for you, even if you have trouble doing the same for yourself.

PFM said...

Just popping in to say Hi. I have been reading up as much as I can. The fundraiser is over and now I can get back to a life. Wishing you the best. Hang in there.

Celia said...

I am freaking out for you. I hope you are ok.

Kristin said...

It sucks to have all excitement and hope stripped away from (possible) pregnancies, doesn't it? I'm praying hard for you and I really hope the changes in how things will be treated will make a difference.