A year ago-

It's been a year already since the second miscarriage- how crazy is that?

I still miss her, and all the hopes that died with her. I regret the pain, the suffering I went through with that loss. The weeks of agony after it all crashed down, the physical pain that kept me up all night- six hours of contractions that seemed like they would never stop. Mentally I try not to think about that night, because as obsucure as it is now- that pain is still too vivid, what I went through, how I cried out- too haunting still. It was the pregnancy that made me never want to be pregnant again...

and yet I kept trying. And had another loss- and was so thankful it was so early on, so I wouldn't have to go through that all over again.

No, I don't really look foward to ever getting pregnant again. Not now, nor will I ever. If I do get pregnant, we'll see how it goes- but I refuse to hold my breath ever again.

I won't even count on ever getting pregnant again- since we know what a tall order even that is.

And oddly enough- I do feel better now that I've given up hope.

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Just an FYI: I've been having a lot of computer issues, and ended up having to buy a new computer- so we're in a transition phase. I may not be online commenting or responding so much this weekend as I get all my ducks in a row. Rest assured I will be here off and on, and will return in full force soon enough.