Friday, March 12, 2010

A year ago-

It's been a year already since the second miscarriage- how crazy is that?

I still miss her, and all the hopes that died with her. I regret the pain, the suffering I went through with that loss. The weeks of agony after it all crashed down, the physical pain that kept me up all night- six hours of contractions that seemed like they would never stop. Mentally I try not to think about that night, because as obsucure as it is now- that pain is still too vivid, what I went through, how I cried out- too haunting still. It was the pregnancy that made me never want to be pregnant again...

and yet I kept trying. And had another loss- and was so thankful it was so early on, so I wouldn't have to go through that all over again.

No, I don't really look foward to ever getting pregnant again. Not now, nor will I ever. If I do get pregnant, we'll see how it goes- but I refuse to hold my breath ever again.

I won't even count on ever getting pregnant again- since we know what a tall order even that is.

And oddly enough- I do feel better now that I've given up hope.

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Just an FYI: I've been having a lot of computer issues, and ended up having to buy a new computer- so we're in a transition phase. I may not be online commenting or responding so much this weekend as I get all my ducks in a row. Rest assured I will be here off and on, and will return in full force soon enough.

7 comments:

elephantscanremember said...

(Hugs)

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Holding you in my heart, sweetie.

Melis.sa said...

((HUG))

i can relate to the last couple of lines.

every time hope rises a little i just have to remember two losses, no ovulation,it all cycles back into pain for me.

Michelle said...

Thinking of you and sending hugs. I know how hard it is!

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} I so wish I could make it all better.

iamstacey said...

I wish I could just give up hope. It keeps sneaking back in, argh.

WiseGuy said...

If. Only.

I don't know what is more painful. To give up on hope. Or to have hope give up on you.

Hugs.