Monday, March 15, 2010

post-op and moving on-

We had the post-operative appointment today- so that was good I suppose. We talked more about this elusive septum, and I was able to ask some coherent questions. It's a wonder how much more things make sense when you're not doped up post-operative (hahaha- I know, small wonder).

So, the septum was .5 to 1cm in length actually. And it was resected, not removed. That helped a lot with clarity in and of itself. She explained it to my husband after the surgery, but he didn't understand it and we were all sorts of confused about that. But it's clear now. She doesn't usually recommend re-checking it when it's that small, but said she would be willing to if I desired it. I told her I would pass. We're at the end of our 'trying to conceive' rope, and it's just another expensive invasive procedure I just do not want to bother with. I mean, who's to say I would even ovulate ever again or get pregnant anyway- we're at three years trying and I am pretty much done.

So, then we discussed the game plan coming up. I finished my Estradiol last night, and I'm starting Provera tonight to start a new cycle. I get to keep taking my Metformin, and restart my low-dose aspirin and prenatal vitamins. After this we will be doing Clomid, with Dexamethasone. We agreed to a ultrasound mid-cycle so she can see what exactly is going on, so around cycle day 13 we'll have a look-sie. If things do look good (which I am not counting on) we will trigger. If I ovulate (big 'if') I will start Progesterone supplements again. If I get pregnant (ungh) she is still offering to let me try Lovenox if I want to.

So that's the game plan for certain, and this is me moving forward. Except for not. I'm just going through the motions, with no hopes or desires. I don't really care anymore.

I think the apathy is the worst part of all this these days- this not giving a damn anymore, not having any hopes or desires for my future. Accepting that nothing will ever work out as I plan, and that resistance is futile. I can do nothing more- but I can do a whole hell of a lot less. And I will have to... soon.
My information and website links are still being transferred so I am still not online completely yet. I swear I will be back to commenting soon. It's just taking longer than I expected.


Shay said...

((**HUGS**)) PCOS sucks, infertility sucks, and god knows miscarriage sucks. Don't let the apathy suck you in. Take a break if needed and to give you a fresh outlook.

Kristin said...

I can sort of understand the need to separate yourself from this last cycle. I know I did that some when we kept having loss after loss. Since you are at that point, I'll hold onto hope for a miracle for you.

{{{Hugs}}} and I hope you find peace of mind soon.

Anonymous said...

I can totally understand your having little hope. The ovarian drilling and septum removal may have a positive effect on conceiving, but I get that you have to protect your heart and that getting hopeful could be devastating. Like Kristin said, I'll hold onto hope for you.
I'm hoping that your ovaries have had their asses kicked into gear, and that the septum removal has made a nice cushy space for implantation.

Michelle said...

I TOTALLY GET IT! I am sorry that you have to go through this. This whole thing sucks and I would not wish it on anyone...EVER! I will hope for you! Sending you lots of hugs and baby dust!

G$ said...

The numbness and indifference settles in for a short visit, here and there. Hang in there hun.

Resection is what I had too, that is really the only thing they do with septums from my understanding. (Or the only right thing to do...) I still have hopes that it makes all the difference. I had lining issues (too thin) for a few cycles after as my uterus recovered, just as an fyi.


MrsSpock said...

I don't blame you for feeling blah about cycling when you've tried practically everything to no avail. There comes a point when you have to protect yourself.