Saturday, November 15, 2008

More CloMOOD ranting

Darn you Clomid, ye fiend!

How dare you bring me these headaches, and ovary pains... and yet still not deliver an egg. I am not your fool, I know your whiley ways. You trick, you over-compensate, you are a villain yet.

What I won't miss most about Clomid... all the signs that I might ovulate, and then I don't ovulate.

Sure won't miss that. Not the stabbing ovary pains either, or the headaches from hell... or the wasted months.

Now, I know... I'm only on cycle day 14 of this fiasco now... but with my track record? This was a "just for the hell of it" cycle. A, "Whatever... not like I'm going to ovulate" cycle. I don't care... which is a lie. Because I do. I care that I don't ovulate, month after month after month. It hurts to fail so absolutely, so miserably, to the point of "I'm trying, but not really trying" because if you don't ovulate you don't even have a shit chance out of hell. Not without absolute miraculous conception. It's not just a failure of the cycle, but a failure of the body, of hope, of chance. It's absolute failure, like shooting blanks. Well, not blanks... more like shooting a gun with no bullets. I have the guns, but no ammo. It doesn't matter how much I try to materialize bullets out of thin air... I can't. So the gun is ready, always at the ready... but then nothing happens. Ever.

I'm already trying to figure out how the husband and I can squirrel away massive amounts of money each month, so that we'll have enough saved up for injectables and IUI. It's going to be hard, I know that much. But I'm hoping it will be worth it.

Ungh. I need to stop thinking so far ahead. My psyche only reaches so far before it gets smattered from overstepping it's limits.

7 comments:

angrycanrn said...

Can't your clinic give you a trigger shot (Ovridel or HCG) to get you to ovulate? I know they don't usually do that for a clomid cycle.... but why not?

I'm sorry

Another Dreamer said...

I tried that last cycle... I didn't have any follies to trigger. I can't afford monitoring this month to find out if I do have follies... and decided to take what extra money I had this month and save it to put towards injectables instead of towards a cycle that the doctor didn't even think would work. He just wanted to give us the option to try it because you never know... maybe it would.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Hi, I found your blog through soulcysters. I totally understand about the frustrations of not ovulating on clomid. I did seven cycles of it, and the last two cycles I didn't ovulate, and they lasted forever (40-50 days), but my doctor kept wanting to try a higher dose. I had to take provera and of course didn't get AF until two full weeks after the last pill. I haven't had a chance at ovulating since July. We are now starting our first injectables/IUI cycle, and I have to say, the thing I'm most excited about is that it will speed up my cycle. Even if I don't get pregnant, it won't be two months before we can try again. The money part is giving me nightmares though, as insurance isn't covering anything this time, and I have no idea what the final cost will be for this cycle.
Anyhow, I know what you are going through, and it sucks ass. I'm sorry. Try to do some nice things to pamper yourself during this waiting period.

Dora said...

I'm sorry. This sucks! Side effects, but no results is the worst.

Do you drink? :-/

Michelle said...

Clomid side effects are the worst!!! I thought my head was going to explode!

I nominated you for an award. Go to my blog to check it out.

janis said...

This is so hard!! I wish it ain't so... I am so sorry. xoxo

Penny said...

My opinion is that clomid is for fertile people that have run out of luck. It is an awful drug and while it did eventually make me ovulate, it was far from a party, and with obvious crap results. I never failed to hope either. I'm sorry it's giving you such a hard time.