Darn you Clomid, ye fiend!
How dare you bring me these headaches, and ovary pains... and yet still not deliver an egg. I am not your fool, I know your whiley ways. You trick, you over-compensate, you are a villain yet.
What I won't miss most about Clomid... all the signs that I might ovulate, and then I don't ovulate.
Sure won't miss that. Not the stabbing ovary pains either, or the headaches from hell... or the wasted months.
Now, I know... I'm only on cycle day 14 of this fiasco now... but with my track record? This was a "just for the hell of it" cycle. A, "Whatever... not like I'm going to ovulate" cycle. I don't care... which is a lie. Because I do. I care that I don't ovulate, month after month after month. It hurts to fail so absolutely, so miserably, to the point of "I'm trying, but not really trying" because if you don't ovulate you don't even have a shit chance out of hell. Not without absolute miraculous conception. It's not just a failure of the cycle, but a failure of the body, of hope, of chance. It's absolute failure, like shooting blanks. Well, not blanks... more like shooting a gun with no bullets. I have the guns, but no ammo. It doesn't matter how much I try to materialize bullets out of thin air... I can't. So the gun is ready, always at the ready... but then nothing happens. Ever.
I'm already trying to figure out how the husband and I can squirrel away massive amounts of money each month, so that we'll have enough saved up for injectables and IUI. It's going to be hard, I know that much. But I'm hoping it will be worth it.
Ungh. I need to stop thinking so far ahead. My psyche only reaches so far before it gets smattered from overstepping it's limits.