Monday, November 17, 2008

Drifting through a fog

I'm having a hard time tonight. This Thursday will mark the one year mark since we had a doctor confirm I was not ovulating. One year since I was told I probably had PCOS. We'd stopped using protection 7 months prior to that, in the hopes of concieving in our own time.

Yeah, right. Here we are, one year and seven months later... still childless.

I should be due in a little over a month. I wish I was... the New Year is like a ticking time bomb. It's ticking, "Not yet, not yet, not yet. Too bad, too bad, too bad."

I want my baby back.

It's been a long year. Diagnosis', fertility treatments, pregnancy and loss, empty month after empty month. Failure, failure, failure.

I can only try to hope that next year will mark something different, a new beginning. But not tonight, I don't feel that way tonight. I feel like it's just getting worser the further I go down this rabbit hole. The emptiness, that hole in my heart, keeps growing bigger.

I wish I could go back to that naive woman, one year and seven months ago. I wish I could still feel exhilarated about the thought of making a baby. I wish I could still hop into bed excited, expecting that this time... maybe this time... I would get pregnant. I wish I could go back to that girl who left the spare bedroom empty, full of hope that soon it would be a nursery.

I don't like the routine of sex anymore, knowing that I have to do it this day and that day in some vain effort. I don't like feeling completely hopeless all the time. I don't like that the would-be-nursery is now my office/art room. How I would rather it be full and ready for my baby, due a month from now. But it's not. I'm not pregnant, I haven't been for almost 7 months now. And that naive woman is long gone.

I miss her. I miss those hopes, those dreams, those feelings of joy.

I have my CT scan in the morning, and my follow-up appointment on Friday. Thursday, the day the shit hit the fan... I'm going to a concert. I hope it's a good enough distraction.


Penny said...

The one year was especially hard on me too. Hope you get good and sweaty, or drunk, or both at the concert. Hope you have some fun.

Dora said...

I hear you. There's just no getting around the suckiness of this.

This really is a rollercoaster. My experience has been that almost every time I've been feeling particularly down or had a disappointment, next thing I know something comes my way that restores my hope. Sometimes just a little bit, but hope nonetheless.

What's the concert?

Tara said...

My year has been almost identical to yours. My mantra has been - 2008 has not been great. I should be due in less than 2 weeks. It's devastating to think about. We've been on this road since December 2006 when we tossed on BCPs. Diagnosed in January 2008.

I hope the concert is fun and a much needed distraction!

MrsSpock said...

When I was at the same point I was pretty much a basket-case, crying every day. Even after our success, our sex life is still crappy. IF pretty much ruined it.

Cara said...

It sounds draining on every part of you: your psyche, your emotions, your relationship, your sexual connection and your energy.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I pray for success and the return of spontaneous sex!

Jodi said...

I'm here with ya hun.

janis said...

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

Michelle said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs!!

Dani said...

It sucks. Period. It is horrible losing hope and dreams. I will keep you in my prayers.