Thursday, July 17, 2008

Exile

I'm going away for the weekend, so no new posts for me.
I'll be isolated, with my DH and my little brother, and he dogs, an hour away from home.
Wonder if this will be good or bad for me.

I've been isolated of late, and I know it's a combination of factors, but it still hurts sometimes.
I am not attending school this quarter, I am not working this year if I can help it, I am not close to any family, and my friends are all busy and live away from me for the most part. I don't make friends easy, and I know I should work on it, but I don't. I am not a social butterfly.

But I miss a pooling of collective minds.
I miss discussing literature, authors, movies, music, and whatever else may enter our pliable minds. I miss arguing, persuading, agreeing.

I guess I should get used to it, or join a book club, or maybe even a writer's group.
Now that would be the ticket, that would be motivating.
Maybe someday.

Okay, I am done talking about that.
I wanted to say something else.

The sorrow, the emptiness in my arms.
Someone posted on one of my loss forums this thing, this statement that made me ache.
They said that sometimes they hold out their arms, just hold them out as if to hold their angel babies, and they feel the sorrow.
And I pictured myself doing this, and I almost cried.
I can feel the emptiness in my arms without even physically holding them out.
I can not bring myself to hold anyone's baby, I can't even imagine the many levels of falling apart I would go through... I can see myself breaking...
Furthermore, when the day comes and I have my own child, I know I will fall apart in much the same way, only the sentiments will be so much different.

I have to push these images from my head... images of what it would be like to hold a baby, to hold a small child... else I start crying, and sobbing. I can't handle the lone thought.

I have a cat that likes me to pick him up by his front arms so he can stretch them, of all things, and then he likes to be held like a toddler. He likes to nuzzle his head by mine, his arms on my shoulders, his body nestled in my arms... and I can't help but wonder if this is it. Is this is as close to holding a child as I'll ever get? Is this what I'll have the rest of my life? Is this all my arms will ever hold?

1 comment:

Portraits In Sepia said...

No, it's not all your arms will ever hold. I just know it's not. God Bless you!