Bittersweet

Today was TAs baby shower.

I went, bracing myself for possible pain and uncontrollable grief.

I found only bittersweetness and open arms.

I love my friend, and I am so happy for her and the little one striving away in her womb.
I am so thankful that she does not have to endure the pains that I have.

But I do wish my little one were still with me, instead of me starting a new cycle.

I made my way in the house, and found her mother. She quickly hugged me and asked me how I was doing. She wouldn't let go, she kept holding me. Longer than she hugged anyone else. She always treated me like one of the family, and I felt her love in that embrace. Finally she released, and looked at me again and smiled.
And then we parted.

I was fine at the shower, well composed, until mid gift opening.
That's when my mind began to wonder.

I started cramping as I stood there watching, and I started wondering if I'll ever be there, surrounded my loved ones, preparing to usher a new life forth from my womb.
Or will I always be there, frozen against the walls, grasping my empty womb, on the outside, looking in.

I didn't stay for the games, or the cake, but I stayed long enough to feel the love and my loss.
I still haven't cried. I want to, but I can't. I just feel... I don't know.

It's almost been three months since I lost Sebastian.
I don't cry everyday, not anymore.
I stopped counting how many weeks I would be if I still had him.
I still think about him everyday, but it's not an overwhelming grief anymore.
It's a bittersweetness of would have beens and could have beens.

All that's left is to keep moving forward, one way or another.
I start a new round of Clomid in 2 days. An upped dosage.
Hopefully it can at least make me ovulate, if not get me pregnant.